Water Cooler Talk 4-16-14

Weekly random thoughts. Since I’m self-employed it’s my version of water cooler talk: no one to talk to so it goes out to cyberspace.

I’ll bet clown fish really resent the association.

What phrase has replaced ‘broken record’? Corrupted file just doesn’t make the same point.

Bananas are sluts, it’s so easy to get their clothes off. Just peel it right off.

Each Easter season, Americans buy more than 700 million Marshmallow Peeps and no one takes the time to figure out if those are male or female and if the species can survive.

I am regularly bummed that my small feet don’t allow me to get as “Footloose” as I’d like.

How come no one’s ever made wind chimes that play an actual tune?

If penguins could fly, would they still dress as nice during the flight?

I’ve been eating beans for six straight days and still can’t get a different tune to come out. It’s always that same sound.

When the house is empty are coat racks lonely, warm or relieved?

Just think of how many people, during this week before the first Easter, saw the injustice against Jesus Christ and then went home and colored eggs.




A Conversation Between Angels LXXXII

“Hello Everyone, welcome. For those of you that are new I’m Pontius Pilate but I prefer Phil now. This is a very big week for me, I said I would spend eternity atoning for my sins so here we are.”

“Yes, Mr. Pilate?”


“Yes, Mr. Phil?”

“No just Phil.”

“Ok, I’m new here, do we all atone forever?”

“No, No, just my choice, but mine was a big one.”

“Oh, ok, thanks.”

“Anyways, I am always making it up to Jesus this week so we need people for breakfast in bed. If there’s any one new that is a stylist we want him looking good and smelling good. Of course everyone loves him but it never hurts to have that reinforced.”

“Is there anything special for Sunday?”

“Yes, thank you. Our Father likes to lead us all in a chorus of ‘For he’s a jolly good fellow.’”

“He deserves it.”

“Yes he does.”

The Real Breakfast

There is currently a commercial playing for a restaurant serving a new dish, Cinnamon Swirl Brioche French Toast.  I don’t want to say the name of the establishment for fear of getting “words” from their legal department, but if I was playing charades the clue would be kangaroo.

It doesn’t really matter what the restaurant is or what the food is because this is about my trying to understand why people do things. It’s the topic I’m most fascinated by—how people think. And that’s one of the primo benefits of blogging–sharing my thoughts and seeing what others think.

In the commercial there are three couples pictured in a pristine restaurant enjoying this new dish and commenting on it. An entire blog could be devoted to the absurdity of this sugar coated, calorie stuffed breakfast dish that is contributing to the obesity of our society and the eventual catastrophic effects on our healthcare system but the simple fact that the overwhelming majority of the population doesn’t want to take responsibility and recognition of the effects of said food item on their physical and mental health makes it both funny and sad and therefore temporarily excuses the corporate chains. Phew. Let me catch my breath.

Ok, again, I’m teetering on getting too far away from my original intention. In this commercial there are three couples, a thirty-something couple consisting of a white dude and an asian woman, who look to me to represent the modern cool couple of mixed race, judging from his t-shirt he probably works in tech, and judging from her beauty, class and dress she’s corporate. But yeah, they would eat there.

Then there’s the African-american couple, very clean, very nice and intelligent, and sitting next to each other, not across, obviously in love. And yes, they would eat there, on their date night, without their kids.

And lastly there’s the slightly younger, can’t quite tell if they represent the hipsters or just slightly younger version of the first geek couple, but they both have glasses, a little bit unkempt hair and thrift store dress. And hell no, they would not eat there!

Unless it were four am and they were either drunk and thought french toast would still be good or they thought it would be “ironic.” I don’t think that any of the couples pictured would go there, only the actors portraying them because they really don’t have the disposable income because this is the only national spot they got this year and the residuals run out quick. Plus actors are by definition terrible with their money, so it’s already been spent.

I’m not dissing the place, I’ve gone there, will go there or similar again, but I want to know why they make commercials like this? Do they think those kinds of couples are going to watch and want to go?  Do they think the people that really love to go there but haven’t been for a while will want to go there because now cooler, more attractive people will be there? Do they think that the American public is that dumb, and in fact, is the American public that dumb? BECAUSE RESTAURANTS LIKE THIS ARE NOT FILLED WITH HAPPY, SMILING, ATTRACTIVE AND CLEAN PEOPLE.  Really, neither are expensive restaurants.

And it’s not just them. It’s the friendly staff at the superstore that I’ve never seen. It’s the polite, attractive and courteous patrons at the pharmacy I’ve never seen. And my favorite, it’s the people that eat too much fast food, drink too much beer, and take too many anti-depressants with too many side effects yet they’re ecstatic, living the perfect life, and in the case of the beer ads, getting all the really hot girls.

Having studied the history of magic as a performing art, I know that it’s time when the public gets too smart and the illusions have to get better. Come on folks, let’s all up our game.


Water Cooler Talk 4-9-13

Weekly random thoughts. Since I’m self-employed it’s my version of water cooler talk: no one to talk to so it goes out to cyberspace.

I’ll bet jam still regrets that it passed on teaming up with peanut butter.

If a dog farts in the wind does he have to chase his tail to smell it.

When the pot calls the kettle black, do the other appliances whisper “racist.”

When it was first published, I wonder how many people thought the Theory of Relativity had to do with their Uncle Phil?

If diamonds really are a girl’s best friend, I wonder how many women should be in therapy because they’re not had healthy enough relationships?

If things were reversed and the helium was on the outside, would the balloon be sad when we floated away?

I’ll bet animals don’t really like being made into crackers considering they’re already in the food chain once.

I think the person that created the banjo modeled it after Jiffy Pop. Or vice versa.

What the heck is the point of the number zero anyways?