“You know what Peter?”
“Now that I’ve been here a bit I know what the world needs.”
“And what is that?”
“More toilet paper?”
“And why is that?”
“There’s a whole lot of poop down there?”
It is a strange day in southern California when you wake up and the temperature reads 46 degrees. I’m not complaining, I spent 40-plus years in the Midwest and I still visit there regularly and prefer the softness of the air mattress over the possibility of being banished to the back porch to “suck it up and be a man you California wuss!”
Because we are wusses. People who are native Californians will try to tell you there are seasons here, but the sun does strange things to your head so I think it’s just the long term effects. I have never seen a more fearful expression on a human being’s face than when a young woman asked me what winter is like, she was considering going to Northwestern University, and I said “do you have any idea what a wind chill of twenty five degrees below zero feels like.”
The horror crept into her face the way a smile creeps onto the face of a Scrooge. She had to let it seep in, she had to calculate the fact that she probably has to wear a heavy coat when it hits 50 here so how many layers were required to insulate her body from that temperature. Now that I think of it, maybe her face looked that way because she was trapped in a math loop carrying the decimal.
But you see “business casual” in Los Angeles means shorts and a t-shirt. So it is just strange not to don that in the morning. Yes, yes, I know you’re going to react with “come on!” I’m just saying that I love a life lived in shorts. Easier footwear selection, easier to wash, you never even consider ironing shorts, and one pair of khakis goes with everything. And it’s just what I’m used to.
Really that’s all. It’s just what you’re used to. And we want it perfect. When it’s cold, people want it warm, when it’s hot people want it cooler. The fact is, we’re all wusses.
But…I wrote a blog on Tuesday about how my inner Christmas jukebox only plays two songs and this morning I’m humming “White Christmas.” And it’s probably all due to the cold.
Weekly random thoughts. Since I’m self-employed it’s my version of water cooler talk: no one to talk to so it goes out to cyberspace.
If money doesn’t grow on trees, can someone point me to the correct bush?
I was going to write a love song but “Nobody’s Ever Loved Me and Nobody’s Ever Gonna Love Me” just seemed too wordy.
I wonder if panda bears think they’re cuter than other bears and taunt them?
I’ll bet tuna are really mad they were ever paired with mayonnaise.
I wonder if eskimos would like the world to know that yes, they do like the beach.
I think the phrase “apples and oranges” was invented by peaches to take the focus away from the constant comparison to nectarines.
Plaid was invented so people didn’t know whether the person was slimmer or taller.
If there’s a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow why do people just stare at them and take pictures to post on Facebook, why aren’t they running to find the cash?
I wonder if life on another planet is trying to decipher the smoke signals created by people burning leaves?
I wonder if Bingo was the first name they came up with or were there a number of rejects?
Right around this time of year my Inner Jukebox starts playing Christmas music. But what I’ve discovered over the last few days is that my selection is very boring.
It seems that I am tuned to a very poorly run station that really likes to repeat the same two songs. These songs are “Christmas Time is Here,” which I know from the Peanuts classic Christmas special and “The Most Wonderful Time of the Year,” which I know because, I guess, it was written the year after I was born so I’ve been hearing it since the formative years. That might also explain why I’m always very suspicious because the theme from the Pink Panther was also released that year.
Of course, it’s more likely I’ve heard the song a gazillion times and it brings up the warm-fuzzy feelings the Holidays inspire and I enjoy. I do like that people can seem a little nicer this time of year and say “Merry Christmas” or “Happy Holidays” instead of “Bwahh.”
So really I don’t have a complaint about the music selection, it’s just that I don’t know the lyrics so it’s really just the chorus that repeats over and over. Now one might say, “why don’t you look it up?” to which I would reply “why don’t you look it up?” because I would use the only defense possible when faced with an obvious question. But the thing is, I have, but they don’t stick.
Which is not like me, because I look up lyrics and I know a lot of songs. It’s just those two seem to be stuck. Oh well, things could be worse. At least I have two really nice things reverberating in my brain. So I’m good until the 26th.