Water Cooler Talk 4-23-14

Weekly random thoughts. Since I’m self-employed it’s my version of water cooler talk: no one to talk to so it goes out to cyberspace.

I’ve never looked at the labels, I wonder if any of the furniture at IKEA is made out of recycled Swedish meatballs?

I’ll bet plain and chunky peanut butter really don’t like each other, and not like the plain and peanut M&M’s have a friendly rival—I mean really don’t like each other.

It would be great to be a bird, no one could ever know for sure—”I’m sorry, I had to go, it was just a coincidence that you were there.”

Why is a Super Gulp smaller than a Double Gulp? That just doesn’t sit well in my mathematician/superhero fan brain.

I’d love to see one of the fish laying there in the supermarket with their face still on talk to the people. “Take the shrimp, they’re so cute and much more delicious.”

When a pen runs out of ink, I wonder if the pencils on the desk laugh and laugh, “ha, I might break but I’m gonna be around a lot longer.”

Funny how there’s competitions for how much we can shove into our bodies but never for how much can come out in one sitting.

Birds are already looking for food so why can’t we train them to pick up our trash and then reward them with food. It’s probably easier than doing it ourselves.

The Stillness of Society


I was walking down the beach one day, watching all the dogs as they frolicked in their area while all the owners just stood watching, talking and snacking. It seemed that  for many it was an effort to throw a ball or a frisbee. And I got to wondering, why is it that evolution has advanced our minds and yet our bodies, not so much?

Sure we stand erect, but it’s no secret that our society is lazy and fat. That’s just a fact. But how does it come about? How can a dog be so excited about the idea…

“We’re going out? You’re kidding, where? It doesn’t matter! In fact, I’m gonna run around like crazy for a while just in celebration of this event. Be back in a minute.”

One minute later.

“So what again? Oh right, we’re going out. I call shotgun! Can we got lots of places for lots of time because I like the different temps on my nose when I stick it out of the window? And you know what else, would it be ok, if when we get to the place, or places, or whatever, can I run around some more until I’m like spent, and then rest for about a half a minute, maybe have some water—from a toilet is always nice—and then run around like a madman hopefully with other dogs and you too?  Can I?”

And then there’s us…

“What? Ahhhh. Just let me finish watching this. Where’s the remote? Can’t I just stay here and eat? And speaking of that, it’s been an hour and a half since I’ve had something fried!”

So what happens? We’re not born that way, you see little children anxious to go out, happy to frolic and excited to be alive. But it also seems to be happening at a younger age as evidenced by childhood obesity. So where’s the chink in nature’s armor? How come all other living things are naturally active, working, playing, moving about when needed—including flying and migrating to other countries and for us it’s a struggle to get out of bed? Has it just been the change of diet and sedentary lifestyle derived from modern technology or is this the natural evolution?

Or is it cats?

Yes, cats are the only ones that are content to sit around all day. Cats don’t want to be bothered. Cats are arrogant, unfriendly, dismissive and stand-offish. Cats are trying to take over the world. They’re using videos to lull us into thinking how cute they are and then we’ll act more like them.

We must stop the kitties. It’s the only way! Who’s with me?! Come on. Come on, let’s go.

Ok, move over. Wanna order a pizza?




A Conversation Between Angels LXXXIII

“My Lord, he’s in a good mood!”

“Isn’t that redundant, My Lord and he?”

“Well I’m Jewish so to me it’s just an expression. What do you think is making him so happy?”

“Well you do realize what today is don’t you?”

“Yeah Sunday.”

“Yes but it’s Easter Sunday.”

“Again, Jewish.”

“Right but you know what the Christians believe.”

“I do, they tell me all the time.”

“No I mean that Jesus died and rose from the grave on Easter Sunday.”

“Oh yeah right, that old chestnut.”

“So every year that he doesn’t have to go through that again, he celebrates like it’s 33 AD.”

“Ah, get it. That’s nice.”

“Nice? Look at the joy, the hoopla, the music.”

“Obviously you never went to one of our bar-mitvzahs.”

The Second Time Around

I’m a big fan of Jesus Christ and I think most people agree that his teachings are all poignant and valuable to us as human beings and the guy got a really bad rap. Different religions have different views of his precise role and whether he was the true messiah, but having been raised Catholic and knowing the story of this weekend, I got to thinking about what would happen if the Second Coming of Christ occurred now.

First of all, where would he start? Two thousand years later, there’s a lot more people, there’s a lot more cities, there’s a lot more stuff. Would he want to go with the same kind of teachings or want to first right all the wrongs we’ve committed since we didn’t listen the first time?

And what about location? Jerusalem again? I don’t know, is that the best place to start? Many speakers know that you should start small, so it would seem really practical to warm up in a more welcoming environment before attacking that part of the World? I hear the Swiss are really nice.

But what if Jesus was on a get in—get out mission? I mean, you can’t blame the guy, he’s gotta be a little gun shy. Between what happened the first time around and the expectations that people would have it’s gotta make the best of the best nervous. So what if he skipped the whole preaching to individual groups and just used the full power of video and headed straight to the source—Hollywood. Maybe hit the major talk shows, maybe record an hour long special. If Scientology can get all kinds of volunteers I’m sure he could manage to attract some interns to create and manage the website and social media campaign to keep it going. And that way he wouldn’t be misquoted and he’d get the message out on a large scale.

So let’s talk wardrobe. The hair has got to be trimmed and something better than the robes or he’ll look like a homeless person and no one will stop to hear a peep. No matter what he said, they’d hear “can you spare some change?” or think it was another pro-marijuana legalization advocate. A nice suit and he looks like millions of other media personalities or infomercial hosts.  Who gets attention? I don’t remember any mention of his singing voice in the Bible so not sure if he could try to get notice that way, but he could always rap. Having firsthand knowledge, I know that this society is not going to be as awed by the types of miracles he performed the first time, so the whole magic thing is out.

My solution is he has a partner, and I mean a cat, puppy or baby. Does something incredibly cute and catches us when we temporarily drop the cynicism and stress of our daily lives and we’re at our purest. Catch us the way we’re supposed to be and maybe enough of us will listen.

That could be the coolest thing to go viral ever!

The Aliens Are Among Us


For years people have speculated on the existence of life on another planet in the Universe, and what it would be like if they visited Earth, would they be friend or foe. And I think they might be right under our nose. They are the young celebrities. Think about it. Just like all great science fiction movies, we think they’re cute and harmless and then they destroy the planet. The only thing is, how much time do we have?!

I’ve been trying to figure out why people are so fascinated with the celebrities that are famous for being celebrities. Why is Kim Kardashian so famous, admired and popular? Because she’s luring us in. As are Justin Bieber, Miley Cyrus and a host of up and coming youngsters on YouTube who are endearing our young people, making them idolize and mimic the actions of these individual’s (and I use that term loosely) attitudes, style and dress and them KABLAM they take over the planet. They steal what little natural resources we have and fly off into outer space in the ships that are hidden in the basements of The Gap and Old Navy. If you don’t believe me about that fact, just tell me how many times you’ve asked the sales clerk if they had any more of your size than was on display and they said “they’d look in back” but always came up empty-handed? That’s because it’s sealed off and they know that, but any kid knows that any excuse to get off the sales floor is to be taken advantage of.

And look at what these celebrities and non-celebrities are famous for. First of all, they all have great gobs of money and jewelry and expensive cars and shoes and it’s like swinging a shiny object in front of the youth of America, thinking they can have it. It’s no accident that these talents (again I use the term loosely) have come along when the economy has been in poor condition. Second, they don’t stand for anything or seem to have a point of view so there you go, more of the population to attract to their web. And lastly, they are all masters of modern technology, social media and trending—and everyone knows from all sci-fi that the aliens might be shorter but they have far bigger brains and are really quite intelligent. Case in fact—the whole Miley Cyrus thing was to make it look like she was a crazy Twerker but it was just because there was so much about the NSA and the hacking of our privacy they wanted to make sure no one would dig where they shouldn’t.

Cause that’s how it’s gonna happen. Not with some giant lasers but from one single tweet. These folks have loosely based themselves on real talent because they know that people love stars and when they amass just the right amount of Twitter, Facebook, Instagram and blog followers, they’ll just know where to strike. And we’ll all stupidly open some link like we can’t resist a cat video and we’ll be lulled to sleep.

And they’ll be off with what’s left of valuable stuff here on planet Earth and we’ll be sitting on a big rock that’s got a little bit of mud and leftover Twinkies cause enough people hoarded them and they last forever.


Water Cooler Talk 4-16-14

Weekly random thoughts. Since I’m self-employed it’s my version of water cooler talk: no one to talk to so it goes out to cyberspace.

I’ll bet clown fish really resent the association.

What phrase has replaced ‘broken record’? Corrupted file just doesn’t make the same point.

Bananas are sluts, it’s so easy to get their clothes off. Just peel it right off.

Each Easter season, Americans buy more than 700 million Marshmallow Peeps and no one takes the time to figure out if those are male or female and if the species can survive.

I am regularly bummed that my small feet don’t allow me to get as “Footloose” as I’d like.

How come no one’s ever made wind chimes that play an actual tune?

If penguins could fly, would they still dress as nice during the flight?

I’ve been eating beans for six straight days and still can’t get a different tune to come out. It’s always that same sound.

When the house is empty are coat racks lonely, warm or relieved?

Just think of how many people, during this week before the first Easter, saw the injustice against Jesus Christ and then went home and colored eggs.