“You know Stu, I miss the smell of peanut shells on the floor.”
“Not to mention the crunch.”
“No I’m serious, I miss smells. Pizza, burgers.”
“I hear ya.”
“And this week means another Thanksgiving where I don’t get the smell of turkey, mashed potatoes…I miss the smells.”
“We’ve been friends since we were six years old, and you know what, if I could fart right now so you’d have something to smell I would.”
I haven’t spent enough time in other cities besides Chicago and I don’t remember them in that city, but here in Southern California we have the little button you press to let it be known that a pedestrian would like to cross at an intersection with a traffic light and they’d like to do it without being killed. That’s not the subject of the blog, that’s its own. This blog was inspired by my observation yesterday that people press it a gazillion times hoping that will make the light change sooner.
Ok, not really a gazillion but it’s a funny word. Not even 27 like the title says, but again that’s a funnier number than say 8, which is in fact the real amount. People will also press the button after they’ve seen you press it, as if their fingerprint had the magic touch. I’ve had hispanic women press it after me and think to myself, “maybe they think it’s a language thing and they are more powerful in Los Angeles after all?”
Kids do press it a gazillion times, but they’re kids and I excuse them because they’re kids. But we don’t give it up as adults. And it’s not just these buttons. We used to do it with the old landline phones that hung on the wall, clicking repeatedly in the hopes that would get the dial tone faster. We press return again and again when our computers don’t respond quick enough for our needs. And we use it endless in the attempt to “send, send, SEND.”
We have at our disposal the most amazing, fastest, farthest reaching technology and we’re still not satisfied. The other day when I walked to the post office a compact bodybuilder slammed at the traffic light button with such force, at least five times, to get it to change quicker. I thought maybe I’d actually see someone accomplish what so many try be sheer power but man’s muscles can’t overcome technology. Neither can his brain. We need to work with it. They’ll get the text in time.
Weekly random thoughts. Since I’m self-employed it’s my version of water cooler talk: no one to talk to so it goes out to cyberspace.
How come no one ever does a selfie caricature?
I would never expect a young woman named Penelope to have a tramp stamp.
I wonder if goats wish they had a Yelp for the best garbage reviews?
I’ll bet if you walked a cow through the grocery store, past the milk, butter, cheese and then ice cream, it would stop there and think “now that I can understand.”
If trees have to go through the whole phase of ‘dying’ each winter, they must be thinking “hey, maybe throw on a blanket?”
I hope the GI Joe’s I had as a kid are getting their veteran’s benefits.
I’ll bet around this time of year reindeers really wish they didn’t know how to fly.
“Hey, you know I was thinking…”
“Ah it’s stupid.”
“Come on, no thought is stupid.”
“Well I just miss take-out food.”
“Heh, that’s not stupid.”
“You know the pizza wrapping all ripped up and the cardboard frisbee with the slice indentations.”
“And the cheap styrofoam from a sandwich at work.”
“And of course, the stack of Chinese food containers, the little houses.”
“That is one of those little things we miss.”
“I tell you what, tonight I’ll bring your dinner and I’ll be late and make sure it’s cold.”
In just two weeks one of the most exciting and busiest shopping days of the year will be upon us. Are you excited? Are you ready? I can’t hear you above all the others that are ready! But I’ve got two weeks to get you in shape, and everything you need is right in front of you.
First off diet. Now others might say that the Thanksgiving meal is like pasta for a marathoner but even as a vegetarian I know I don’t want to do anything the next day, so I suggest you start over-eating right now. That way your stomach and system will not be so taxed with stretching and you’ll be more inclined to be used to the feeling of being incredibly full yet getting out of bed and actually progressing beyond the couch.
Mental training is key and so for the next two weeks I want you to watch the news, read the headlines on CNN.com and Huffington Post WITHOUT ANY REACTION. Prepare yourself to be disappointed by things not going the way you want them to so that you’re not side-stepped by any emotional attachment to any specific purchase.
Last and most important, start taking the train during rush hour and position yourself directly at the point where the doors will open so that you can get used to the pushing of those people getting off the train as well as those from the back who are trying to get on. If you really want to “max” your training go to a Taylor Swift concert so that you can both feel the pressure of the bodies as well as the shrill of the crowd, that way you can really learn to tune out all your surroundings and focus on your goals.
It’s a big day, there’s a lot to accomplish and a lot of people doing the same thing, but YOU CAN DO IT.