Ladies and gentleman, I apologize to you, my readers, and in particular to those I have offended. I have strived not to insult anyone in my writing, it’s just not my style and has been a conscious choice. Many years ago when I began in comedy and worked in clubs filled with adults and alcohol, I could have gone the way of the bitter, insult comic. It’s easy, and in our society that is ridden with politicians that show their Weiner and the craziness of what the media finds to be news, it is highly relatable to complain and voice your frustration. But that’s just not the way I want to go, I like to find the funny and find the positive, or at least just try to make you think instead of offending anyone.
So it is with a heavy heart that I issue my first retraction of a blog, published just yesterday on August 19, 2013. I was uninformed, thought something was funny and I deeply apologize if I hurt someone’s feelings or those close to them. Mummies are, in fact, not gay. I assure you that I am not homophobic and I merely thought it was just a silly passing thought.
But I was set straight by a troupe of mummies last night. They barged into my place all “unnghhhh,” “unngghhhh,” for about fifteen minutes until I could finally get them to shut up and speak English. So, it seems that the mummy movies were really hard to make because they had to wrap them up because people expected them to be that way, which didn’t leave a lot in the way of action or even facial expressions. The Wolfman jumped around like a crazy person and Dracula had the whole eye thing. So they figured the Mummy had to attack the men because the men were either old slow dudes or they were sure they could beat the mummy so they didn’t run screaming like the young ingenue might. So that righted my mistake in thinking. Then they said that really it was only the Egyptian princes that went for the make-up and that was just because they were princes and bored and so they used to let their young nieces paint their faces. They went along with it thinking that if they should die at any moment, because the life expectancy was really short back then, at least maybe they wouldn’t scare the bejeezus out of someone who might unwrap them.
There you have it, my mind has been set straight and once again I apologize to mummies everywhere.
Now Zombies, they have to be at least bi, because they’ll eat anything.