I Wish I Was Important Enough for Bluetooth

I wish i got calls all the time that necessitated having to wear a headset like that constantly; it’s so sexy.

I wish I could talk into one with my face turned so that people didn’t see it and they thought I was talking to them.

I wish I could walk from the 7-11 parking lot into the store yelling into my phone, but people thought I was crazy.

I wish I had bluetooth because cell phones are so heavy to have to hold to your ear.

I wish my girlfriend had one so she could wear it all the time like an earring. I wish I had a girlfriend.

Exciting New Study

A recent study in England has revealed some exciting results: It’s not our fault. Scientists found that a blow to the brain has been passed on from generation to generation. When parents in the earlier part of the 20th Century would smack their kid on the side of the had and say “what’s a matter with you”, this caused a blow to that part of the brain responsible for manners and consideration.

So you see it’s not our fault that we talk too loud on cellphones, drop litter carelessly, throw cigarettes out the car, leave things for others to pick up and fail to say please or thank you. All the rude and inconsiderate things we do were caused by our grandparents and great-grandparents. But the researchers behind this study have published that we should still leave flowers on their graves and remember them fondly. Those generations didn’t know it was wrong to give a kid the occasional smack, it was perhaps caused by their relatives.

The Demands of Pre-School

sign advertising skills learned in pre-school

The pressure!

This blog is sub-titled “A comedic perspective” and I’m so glad to have found the above photograph to display just how my mind works.  I apologize for the blurriness and perhaps if enough people support this website Apple will send me a new iPhone with the better camera.

I’ve tried to highlight the two key words “COMPUTERS” AND “POTTY TRAINING” that caught my eye on a billboard advertising the benefits of this Montessori school. First of all, and speaking of Apple, I want one of these computer stands (or would that be sits) that you can work with while sitting on the toilet waiting for things to happen. Such advantages: it must be really comfortable so as not to disturb the training and magazines have been on the way out for the last fifteen years anyways. But I’m not looking at it from a three year old’s side.  This is like the workhouses of the twenty-first century! These poor children are trying to figure out the mechanics of pooping and their teachers are demanding they edit a film (it is Montessori after all, they should know basic Math at this age.) Then again maybe I’m not looking at it from the perspective of trying to aid a child in reaching it’s potential. I know that I always found it fascinating that while I’m juggling my left brain is occupied with the pattern of the objects and that releases my right brain and stimulates me to come up with some of my most creative ideas. Perhaps the creative activities they are pursuing on the computer, like editing, writing, or playing Angry Birds frees up their left brain to go about its duties and assist with the basic bodily functions almost without the child’s knowledge and soon the muscle memory takes over.  Maybe these kids are out of their diapers before they’re even two.

Which brings me to the other reason the sign made me curious.  Since when do children have to go to school to be potty-trained? Are parents that busy? Are they too weak to lift the child as our country reaches forty percent obesity? Is there a new method that I’m not aware of that can’t be taught at home? Is it European, cause that usually accounts for the latest craze. From my involvement with Montessori schools as a professional magician I picture it going something like this:

Teacher: Trevor, do you have to go?

Trevor: No.

Teacher: Trevor, I’d like to invite you to use the potty.

Trevor: No.

Teacher: Let’s discuss your feelings.

I don’t remember being potty trained, my only memory of that age is the ducky that I eventually had to throw away because of my having drooled all over it. Perhaps if I’d gone to Montessori school I’d still have it. But we didn’t go to any pre-school, we just started in plain ole kindergarten where we took naps and pushed trucks around. I don’t think I could handle the pressure these children face today.

The Brotherhood of the Traveling (Down) Pants

Far be it for me to criticize the fashion sense of a teenager, but I am now concerned for their future. When I was in high school we wore black concert t-shirts until the holes in them were either too big or had replaced the lettering of our favorite bands. REO SpOOdwagon was just not cool. So although we had what can also be considered a ridiculous trend by someone of my age, we also had our reasons. We were announcing our allegiance to the popular music of the day to both our fellow males and the females we wished to impress.  Which brings me to the title of this blog.

Who does it impress to wear your pants hanging down below your butt? Is the kind of underwear now worn more important than the jeans, therefore a status symbol much like it was depending on which band we had seen?  Does Calvin Klein compare to Jockey as Led Zeppelin did to Rush? Who was the first guy to do this? Someone who had lost an inordinate amount of weight and it looked so ridiculous it became cool (sure I’m dating myself by saying cool.)

But let’s tackle the bigger question. Do girls really like this? Cause let’s face it, that’s why teenage boys do anything.  That’s why men in their 30s do anything.  That’s why men of any age do anything. So is this some kind of reverse baboon red buttocks thing. Are these young men displaying themselves in heat, cause I got news for you fellas, everyone knows. So that can’t be it. Is how low the pants are worn the equivalence of danger once reserved for greasers wearing leather jackets and riding motorcycles? OMG, did you see that, they almost came off. He’s such a bad-boy. Or maybe the color or pattern of the boxers is a status symbol.

I really don’t understand, but then again like I said before I am not here to criticize but to caution them for their safety. You see I am without a car right now and so take public transportation from Long Beach to Los Angeles and have seen some very disturbing things. For one, these guys can’t walk right. I’m sure my grandpa would have wanted to know which horse that young fellow just got off of. As a yoga practitioner I can only be concerned that their hips will need to be replaced by forty instead of eighty because of the rotation. And even though they seem to be comfortable with this “display”, they are constantly pulling up their pants and that’s got to do a little damage to the spine with the constant twisting to one side; I don’t think they alternate.

So gentlemen, I know I hated to hear it when I was sixteen, but think about the future.

Oh and there is one thing I can criticize without hesitation: if you’ve graduated high-school, pull up your pants!