Olympics Bring out the Nasty

Olympic Rings


The Olympics bring out both the fitness enthusiast and the patriot in me every four years. But it also brings out the nasty in me;  that of my lust for the female gymnasts and divers.

Now one might say, especially if one were male and called themselves “one”, “dude, what about the beach volleyball players, they’re wearing the skimpiest of bikinis and there’s always great shots of their butts when they’re bent over waiting for a serve?”  I would respond by saying, “don’t call me dude.”

Also, the simple fact is, they’re taller than me. At 5’7″ and most of them being closer to six feet, I just never want a woman who can pat me on the top of the head. And no matter how gorgeous a taller woman can be, my interest just never develops. I have had guys punch me and point at a girl, the universal symbol since caveman days, to check her out. I turn, survey her height, then turn right back. Nothing, not a single synapse of lust fires in my brain. Because no matter how unattainable a woman is because of celebrity or wealth, I find it a waste of time to fantasize about anyone taller; I just wouldn’t want it anyways.


And so that brings us to the opposite: the female gymnast. They hardly ever pass 5’4″, so even if they wore heels, we’re good. And they have my two favorite features: great legs and great butts. And they can do all kinds of bendy and flexible things that make me say huherssooooyeeeeh. Plus they almost always have ponytails and I totally dig ponytails. (As opposed to my disdain for pigtails in anyone over the age of twelve.)

Which brings me to the major problem. Every four years I get older and further away from these gorgeous young women. Well, girls for the most part. So my nasty thoughts are truly confined to just a quick “wow”, I promise, and I am not sitting in my sweatpants making lewd comments at the TV in the voice of Bill Murray from Caddyshack. I don’t own a TV.


In a close second are the divers. They still have amazing bodies and they can quite often have the flexibility and strength of the gymnasts, as well as the legs; and they look really great wet. They’re also often older, so even though they’re still far too young for me I don’t worry so much about having a morsel of a dirty thought before I discover their age.

The only reason the gymnasts win out is that I did, and still do, some gymnastics and I love the sport. I did dive off the ten meter platform as a kid but now I would totally get vertigo.

All the athletes are beautiful, dedicated, courageous and strong individuals and I wish them all the best in their pursuit of their dream for Olympic gold.