Just a White Guy

In 2010 I was a crew leader for the US Census. At every dwelling we had to go through the list of 15 different races so the resident could determine which category best described the individual. You could also write it in. And as the Census employee, you had to go through this list for all the members of the family.  So everybody got all kinds of choices, except for someone like me: just white.

Now I’m not complaining about the classifications and I’ve had no trouble adapting to the changes from the basic descriptions of individuals as black, yellow or brown when I was a kid to African-American, Asian-American or Hispanic American. I’m all for respect. But how about some love for us milk-toast, cracker folk?

How come we never got any sub-categories? How come no one ever took a moment to think that maybe we don’t want to be called white?  We didn’t even get caucasian on the 2010 Census!

Personally I prefer tan. And in fact, wish that I had more Italian blood so my skin would be more olive. It looks better when you’re bald. There are gradients, the only real white people are the Irish. And they sure wouldn’t want to be included with the French. From what I hear, nobody wants to be included with the French. At least that’s what I learn watching British TV shows.

Why is there no European-Americans classification to distinguish oneself from the Scandinavian-Americans. You’d have a better menu to choose from if you could automatically identify the former. And wouldn’t the marketing geniuses like to target the Redhead-Americans from the Blonde-Americans since there’s no photos on the Census. Hello Coppertone, time to lobby government, 2020 will be here before you know it.

So next time I’m going to remember to write it in. Italian-Norwegian-Polish-Middle Class Suburban-Moved to the City-SBF 15-American.

Water Cooler Talk 8-30-12

Weekly water cooler talk for the self-employed, no one to talk to so it goes out to cyberspace. Please feel free to comment, it would be nice to talk to someone other than myself.

That a company that delivers portable toilets is called Oui Oui Enterprises makes me laugh out very loud.

Santa oversees production and the elves make toys all year, what do the reindeers do? Just play their reindeer games, the lazy sob’s?

If you keep farting, can you blow up your underwear like a balloon?

If you Journey to the Center of the Earth are there upside down fountains?

I’m surprised the dove is the symbol of peace. I had doves as a boy magician and they pooped all over the place, threw their cage fillings haphazardly and cooed all night long. Kind of the opposite of peace. Then again it was caged. But then again then again that’s how we like our peaceful people to be, quiet and contained.

 

I saw a sign that read “No Dogs Allowed During Concerts and Festivals.” Makes sense, they might touch someone inappropriately, puke up something they ate, pee where they’re not supposed to and bark too much when people are trying to listen. Humans would never do that.

Ok bear with me on this one. They have those accordion “blinds” things that you put on the inside of the front window of your car to keep the dash and interior from becoming too hot. Now in the movies “Cars” and “Cars 2” automobiles have feeling and personalities. So would they not like the tan lines?

According to wiki-answers the difference between momma and mama is “Mama is Spanish and is emphasized on the second syllable- maMA. Momma is MOMma.” I would say the difference is about 25 pounds.

Anybody watch The Republican National Convention? I didn’t figure they had anything new to say.
If fences are meant to keep people out, why is the nicer side facing out? I’d think it would make people think “I want to be in there.”

 

What If We Were All Superheroes

 

Sitting on a plane for four hours, in a relatively small seat (and I’m only 5’7″ and 150 lbs, I can’t imagine being six foot and chunky) I drift  to two thoughts: I really want to make more money so I can always fly first class, or, I wish I could fly myself.

But what if we all flew ourselves, super-hero style? Is it possible that we could all possibly navigate air travel without hourly fatalities? I’m not able to walk the six blocks from my house to the train without having to swerve wide to avoid a couple who obviously paid extra for their all-encompassing use of the sidewalk. So what would happen in the air?

Now one might argue that given the ability to fly, the other powers would exist and our super-human strength would render the bumps and bruises meaningless. But if we are all men and women “of steel” then um, ow. I’ve heard metal hit metal and it doesn’t sound like fun.

You may argue further that we would also develop a tremendous power of perception and awareness of our fellow human beings, but I would snap back with “you’re rubber and I’m glue”…no wait…I’d say that we would still be human and therefore selfishness would trump and we’d be smacking into each other left and right, dropping like flies and making more potholes.

So I’ll plug the earphones in and open my book. The movie is another one based on a Nicholas Spark’s novel and I’ve already seem The Notebook.

Truth in Journalism

Ok, Mr. Michael Moody, Publisher of American Airlines’ American Way magazine, how can I trust that anything you, as publisher, allow to be featured in your magazine, has any credibility, when I open it, turn to YOUR article, and it starts out with a lie!?

You see Mr. Moody, if that is your real name, you begin your story entitled “The Bucket List” with the phrase, WE ALL HAVE, and go on to say that everyone has a bucket list either on paper or in their head.

Well Mikey, I Have Neither!

Better check your facts next time.

BTW, Thomas Horton, CEO, on the page before says “We’d love to hear what you think” and gives the URL address for comments. While you’re in editing mode you may want to change that to “We’d love to hear what you think, but don’t be a silly goose and expect a reply.” I know I’m still waiting for a answer to my question.

Blogfest

Blogfest and Book Fair Giveaway during the week of Labor Day!

In honor of Melynda Fleury’s close call to losing her eyesight because of diabetes, Wayman Publishing is throwing a ALL ENTRANTS will have unlimited access to download any of Wayman Publishing’s Top 10 Books during the following dates:  Sept 2 through Sept 4 (direct link will be provided to all entrants on Sept 1)

Gonna Fly Now Part II

The airport gives one such a sense or adventure, if one is inclined towards adventure and likes calling themselves one. From the very moment you enter the airport the excitement begins: will this be the day that I somehow look suspicious and I need to be strip searched. I don’t know what kind of training the TSA personnel go through, but I know one of the classes is “how to think you are the Ruler of the Airport.” of course that class has best lectures on “how to pretend you have power” and “how to make people think they are inferior.” must be a thankless job, no one appreciates what you’re doing and you have to smell a lot of feet.

It is a drag, for them, for us, for all but the idiots that ran a couple of planes into buildings and ended the freedom we used to have when flying. I miss the days when you could walk around and scope out babes from all countries. I fantasizes that a French woman would run into me, say “pardon” (in a cute French accent, not the thing a Governor does just before someone gets the chair) and then would need to hangs her flight and go wherever I was going so we could make love.

Nope, all I get is people in line at Starbuck’s that don’t understand others need to get through. And their accent is from New Jersey and really, why does anyone wan to look like Snooki. Ok, first boarding call. Please put me next to someone thin. I can’t take another trip like last time where the two large women, because of he theory of displacement, had me riding halfway into the aisle. Flight attendants are merciless wih this carts-I haven’t been able to play tennis since.