A Conversation Between Angels XVII

“I found one.”

“One what?”

“A cell phone.”

“Oh no you’re not.”

“I just want to call my kids and let ‘me know I’m alright. With the crash I didn’t get to say goodbye.”

“You can’t. We’re not supposed to communicate direct.”

“Look I’ll just call one; the good one that didn’t always let my calls go to voicemail.”

“Oh man-”

“Just keep an eye out for God and his goody two shoe minions.”

“Hey I’m not-”

“Just watch.”

“Fine.”

“Damn. Damn damn damn damn damn.”

“What?!”

“No signal.”

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In Praise of Class

While visiting my parents a couple of weeks ago my dad made a great comment about a news item. One candidate or another was speaking on class warfare and my dad said how could they comment when they didn’t really have any class. I apologize to him if I didn’t quote him properly, but this really isn’t about politics, because he followed it up with the most important part: his mom didn’t have the money or power (in their own heads) of these men but had more class then they’ll ever be able to buy. And right he is.

 

This five foot nothing Norwegian used to ride seven hours to a cabin in Wisconsin with two boys in the back seat of a Volkswagen. They complained, she didn’t.

She power walked all around Chicago before power walking was a thing, the same two boys unable to keep up even though loaded with M & M’s. She rode the bus to her destinations and took us on adventures with it.

She moved from house to house to visit her kids and grandkids, sleeping wherever was convenient for them, and I swear the only luggage she ever had was her knitting bag.

Although the guest, she got up and made Swedish pancakes, but don’t tell any Norwegian. She also made fantastic cranberry nut bread and great chocolate chip cookies.

The woman could nap in the blink of any eye, sitting up. Now that’s a talent.

Those are the memories I have of Grandma Mabel. I didn’t know the years before where she raised three children on her own, going to work every day, on that same bus, and I’m sure never complaining once. I imagine the kids did enough it on their own, that’s what kids do. She didn’t complain about the government not taking care of her, she just did what she needed to do. And those kids turned out to be amazing parents and aunts and uncles.

Now that’s class.

In Praise of Farts

Be warned: THIS IS GOING TO BE SILLY.

If you just recently started following me because of my Freshly Pressed post Evolution of a Friend, and you prefer the more heart-warming yet funny side, just come back tomorrow. I will not be going all Monty Python on you; I’m just feeling rather silly.

And I don’t think enough is said about farts. Those lift up your butt cheek, pull my finger little expellations (yep made it up) that can cause a five year old to fall over laughing. Now, I don’t have a fetish; I don’t follow people in the hopes that they’ll let one go and I can smell it. I’ve never lit one nor seen a flaming explosion as the result of lighting one.

I just think they’re funny.

And come on, who doesn’t? That our butts can toot is proof that God has a sense of humor. And if God does not exist, it proves that Science is funny. Either way, it’s a great noise, it doesn’t hurt anybody, and it usually makes everyone laugh.

Plus, it’s the great equalizer.

Everybody farts. Just like everybody poops. But unlike pooping, which after the age of three, is usually done in private, farts most often come out in public. When we don’t want them to. Yes, farts can expose our indiscretions and tame our egos. Who out there has not eaten something they shouldn’t; be it refried beans, peanuts, fried foods, and not been “outed” by the public fart. It’s your body telling you not to eat that. It’s not for you. Yet we insist and it persists. Give it the wrong fuel and out comes the gas. Too much drip and let her rip. Eat a slice of cheese and cut the cheese. You get the picture.

But even stronger than the fart’s desire to expose our unwillingness to work with our bodies is its desire to balance our egos.

Any time that you think too much of yourself, are too worried about some silly really insignificant thing in the scope of your life-you’ll fart. It will embarrass you, surprise you, force you to lie and say it wasn’t you; but it will also humble you. It will put you back in the human race where everybody’s got problems and everybody has that happen to them. And it doesn’t matter.

Everybody farts.

The Economy of Obesity

 

 

One of the more interesting developments of the troubled US economy is the expanding of America’s waistline. And it can be summed up in three words: Two for One.

The Great Depression

If you look at newsreels and photos from the Depression of the 30s, everyone was skinny. Unless that was because black and white film, unlike color, took away ten pounds unlike the current color film that adds ten pounds, which has made way too many actresses have way too many eating disorders. But really I don’t think so, I think there just wasn’t a lot of food. Of course, we were seeing the “best of”, excuse me “worst of” photographs that documented that time, but I’m pretty sure things weren’t good.

That’s because they didn’t have fast food.

In my travels, I have not seen a single fast food chain that didn’t tout some kind of 2 for 1 deal. That means that we’re consuming two sandwiches when one would take care of not only the requirements for that meal, but at the very least, take care of a few of those pesky in-between meal snacks. So two sandwiches would fill us up for the whole day. And that means just one thing: nap time. I don’t know about you, but if I eat a whole lot I would much rather sit and watch television as opposed to pounding the pavement trying to interview and tell bosses that I am the “man for the job.” I’d much rather unbutton my pants.

Now maybe I’m just a little guy, so I can’t consume as much and no one else can see this situation. But based on the TV ads for “combos”, that looks like it would take out at least 3/4 of the population, setting them into a recliner where, maybe, they would look for a job online. That is, if they have one of those tray thingys for their laptop because a big ole belly is just not stable.

So how can we blame the government for the current economic climate when we don’t feel like doing anything?

Now I understand both the consumer and the suppliers point of view. I take that back, I will never understand corporations. That’s because I have too much common sense. But I do understand the need to keep people’s jobs and so reducing their prices and using ways to get people in, preying on their need for value and their lack of understanding of how these sugars and sodiums work on our brains and…

Oh there I go again. Sorry, didn’t mean to get on a soapbox. Again, just don’t understand corporations. Why couldn’t they just have given the discount all along and charged the lower gas prices all along. But I’m a stupid idealistic boob who still believes that people can “wake up” and understand how easy it would be to just work together, man. It would be like so cool if, like we could just learn to only take what we need. And give back to each other in the ways that we need. Using the sun and the moon is in the seventh house and Jupiter aligns with Mars and peace will guide the planet and love will steer the stars, this is the dawning of the age-

Ahem. Sorry. Anyways big business does have to do their thing blah blah blah and of course I don’t want to see anyone lose their job: those uniforms are really stylish.

And I understand the consumer side. We all want some value right now. I get fast food. I don’t eat a lot of it. But that has more to do with the fact that five bucks buys me veggies enough to make juice for days. And I like that stuff. But that was a slow process. I will tell you this: I likes my snacks. And if there’s a day that I do a little pigging out on my favorites: like say pretzels and Fritos scoops, where you break off a piece of the big Dutch pretzel, put it in the little scoop and then dip it in the french onion dip with your Ben and Jerry’s pint next to you as well cause, hello, you have to have sweet with salty…I ain’t doing much the whole day. Whereas the buzz from those things, what are they called, nutrients, and I’m learning HTML5 and creating some bad-ass websites.

So America, let’s at least balance out the week! Fruits and veggies a couple of times a week. And slim down and get some work done. Save the munching for your day off. Then go have whatever you want and sit and watch TV. It is football season.

 

 

Water Cooler Talk 9-26-12

Weekly random thoughts. Since I’m self-employed it’s my version of water cooler talk: no one to talk to so it goes out to cyberspace. Please feel free to comment, it would be nice to talk to someone other than myself.

Do you think the guy that invented drawers was someone who always got his finger slammed in doors and just wanted to take his rage out on as many people as possible?

Has anyone actually “poked their eye out?”

Do you think Mitt Romney really wanted to name his first kid softball and Ann just said “no!”

I think people should wear those cycling outfits only if they’re in the Tour du France. When I see them on the bike path they just look like they’re lost, looking for the start line.

Retail spelled backwards is liater; which of course is Latin for later, which translates into paying for your purchases later, which translates into credit card fees. It’s all a subliminal Big Corporate plot!

Starbuck’s has a grande and venti size, why not a mini-latte? How cute would that be, and it would go along with their mini-donuts? Yes I know you can get an espresso but it’s just no the same miniature factor.

Lately I’ve heard the word “chaos” a lot, referring to people’s lives, or their friends, or the state of society. And I always think of the television show Get Smart. Which makes me think of him talking into his show. Then I forget the chaos.

In 2032, if things according to schedule, it will be the iPhone 25.

Why doesn’t my bologna have a middle name?

Boo!

I’ve been getting scared lately. About Halloween. And it’s not by a ghost or a goblin or a vampire or a werewolf.

It’s by my own stupidity.

For the last month I have entered grocery stores where there are displays of Halloween decorations, candy, costumes etc. and one of two things happens: I think “Geez haven’t they taken that down yet” or “Man that’s really early for Halloween.”

You see I am whatever is the opposite of a Halloween savant.

For over 25 years Halloween was one of the focal points of my year. That’s because I had been a professional magician for that period of time. So back in Chicago, the two weeks prior to Halloween were two of the busiest of the entire year with parties for children, school functions and then the ones where people dressed up in ridiculous costumes and I had to do card tricks while I “guessed what they were” and inhaled vodka fumes. Those would be the adult parties.

But since moving to California, I am not as busy as I was for so long, that’s just the nature of starting  up something like this in another location. So I have lost my inner calendar. Might have something to do with the weather never changing (No Angelenos there are not seasons here!)

I don’t know how to get in any spirit or replace it. I always liked seeing the costumes and how the kids were so happy, but I worked and didn’t go to any parties. Every year I just dressed up as a magician. And even then I’ve always dressed casual, so it’s not like I had the tuxedo, top hat and cape. More like khaki cargo pants and some kind of orange shirt.

Maybe it’s because I basically grew up in the biz it never really inspired me. See, in high school, I worked at a novelty shop that sold magic but it’s main focus was costumes. They made their money for the year in the latter half of September and October. The weekend for Halloween was a zoo! And I learned how to sell people all kinds of junk that would make this year “the best ever.” Told them how to apply the make-up even though I’d never done it myself (nobody came back to complain so I guess I read the instructions right) and up sold them on every costume. I’m not proud of it, but I was a teenager in the suburbs, so it was ridiculously funny to see “grown-ups”  spend what I considered a small fortune at the time on one night.

Or maybe it’s because I haven’t cared about scary movies since the ones in black and white: Dracula, Frankenstein, and of course, Abbot and Costello meet Frankenstein and the Wolfman. The only scary movie I can remember seeing in color is It’s The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown. It was implied scary, like Jaws.

Don’t think it’s going to change this year. Zombies are big in Long Beach and they have this huge Zombie Walk. So maybe I’ll check that out. Or maybe just eat one of those Snicker’s in the shape of a pumpkin. those rock.

At least I think my brain will finally get the date together now that I’ve blogged about it. As I’m sure my fellow bloggers out there will attest, it’s not real until you blogged about it.