I made it through Halloween without any candy. And then you had to release, not one but two, special Holiday editions! And they’re so fresh right now.
How can you prey on my love of these special editions as well as my love of Christmas and biting the head off of a toy soldier?
Regular readers of this blog have heard of my love of Snicker’s and these delicious Holiday treats are just so dangerous. How dare they in this time of mourning over Hostess? And I know they’re fresh and delicious, they have not been sitting on the shelves, picked up by some four year old and then placed back by an irate mother with a grip that she describes as delicate but that will put a dent in Santa’s little chubby cheeks; you’ll open the package and there will be a crack oozing nougat topped with caramel and peanuts.
They call me, they taunt me, they call me names saying “what are you some kind of a girl watching your calories? Maybe if you were more of a man that didn’t care you could actually get a girlfriend!”
Stop it. Stop it. STOP IT!
And what about the little toy soldier version?
Ever since I was a little kid and I was forced to go to the Nutcracker* I have hated not only the ballet but toy soldiers. And I have dreamt of doing harm to them, venting my anger on someone. But I could never hurt a fly, so every time I bite the head off of one of those soldiers I am putting a therapeutic dent into the pain I have carried with me.
Please Snicker’s, have mercy on me. Over-price the item. I’m broke but 2 for $1 is just too good to resist! Please help me.
*I actually love the ballet and have never seen the Nutcracker. But I’m trying out the whole macho thing because I could really go for a girlfriend.