The Big Three telephone cellular networks are in talks to impose considerable bans on the use of cellular phones out of the home. In effect, these bans would immediately disconnect the user when engaging in usage that is deemed “unnecessary, intrusive and ridiculous.”
Under this voluntary agreement, the networks would enforce these new guidelines based on their belief that current customers are straining too far from the original developer’s intentions. Under the proposed ban, the customer would be immediately disconnected when they:
- walked right in front of someone while talking and couldn’t take a moment to say “excuse me.”
- used profanity repeatedly before 9:00 in the morning while relating last night’s incidents to the person that couldn’t make it.
- stopped right in the middle of the street, blocking other people’s movement, to say “i did not. what? what are you trying to say?” or other things that could wait until they got home.
- exceeded the normal decibel level of speech if the person was right next to them.
- played music through the speaker instead of the earphones in direct conflict with the Boombox Repeal Act of 1996.
- did not pay attention to their children.
If deemed unanimous amongst the companies, these regulations would be brought up before Congress, which they concede is an uphill battle. Unless they turned off their phones so they’d listen.
Deconstructing popular children’s phrases to prove that our grandparents were liars:
Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me: Never broke a bone by either a stick or a stone but Larry yelled “hey Jeff” when I was eight, I turned, then ran my bike into a fire hydrant.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away: Except when your doctor is pushing 300 pounds and your mom makes killer caramel apples-he seems to need to “re-test.”
Step on a crack, break your mama’s back: Tried. Every day for a year on the way to school. Nothing.
There’s no place like home: When I was a kid everybody’s house looked the same, growing up in the suburbs.
Don’t watch t.v. too long or you’ll burn your eyes out: Hello, we’re on frickin screens all day!
There are starving people in Africa who would gladly eat your dinner!: Yeah cause that’s all they need is more chemicals.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with just a single step: Not if you trip.
Do unto others as you would have them do unto you: Um, see recent presidential election.
A fool and his money are soon parted: See Donald Trump.
Everything happens for a reason: Don’t even get me started.
“How was your Thanksgiving?”
“Same as yours, we died.”
“No I mean how were you served up?”
“You know, the usual. Flipped over, stuffed, legs tied and then flopped down on the table to be pawed over by a huge family that really all could be on a diet. You?”
“I ended up being used to feed the homeless. Very quiet and grateful.”
“Oh great, going straight for the sainthood. Always the over-achieving brother.”