“I know and it’s only eight am.”
“How many times does he have to repeat it?”
“Well apparently one hundred and forty two is not enough. Don’t ask me why but I decided to count this year.”
“Doesn’t he know that we all know?”
“Right, we’re sorry, you died for all our sins.”
“Yeah but I think this is the big one because he did it on his own. Immaculate conception, Dad, the word of God he spread, well that’s self-explanatory.”
“You’re right, you’re right and because of it we get our Lord the Savior skipping around all day singing ‘I’ve risen, I’ve risen.'”
“And he starts so early.”
“You know-never mind-”
“Well, I know it’s blasphemous, but I wish he was talking about a crescent roll.”
In an exciting announcement in my brain, my body has taken acquisition of my soul. Inspired by the merger of Amazon and Good Reads, the two entities have decided to co-exist.
Just like those two giants of the publishing world, my body and soul have decided that they work better together. One takes care of the maintenance and procurement of all that is the physical while the other has connection to the creativity and energy of the Universe. They decided it was silly to try and live independently anymore.
Now reading this, one might argue that the soul is the one that should really be in charge of the body, but just ask Jeff Bezos-the physical is much more organized and able to oversee the more esoteric desires and interests of the soul. Whereas the soul changes from individual to individual as it seeks to explain and understand existence, the body mainly needs to eat and poop.
By allowing the body to be in charge, the soul will not run around willy nilly thinking all kinds of thoughts and not arriving at one conclusion. It will be guided by the needs of the body to keep it stress free and live a long, healthy life.
Although there has been backlash by who gets control of the yoga practice, in general all systems are go and we’re looking forward to a strong merger. Already there’s talk of seeking out further entities to add, most likely in the form of a five foot four female with curly blond hair.
The blog title is one of my favorite movie lines but it also reflects my attitude as a pedestrian. Attention dog owners: I do not love your dog the way that you do.
I don’t dislike dogs, I just don’t feel the need to pet yours. When I’m walking down the street, I don’t feel like I should have to veer off course because you can’t pull the leash tight enough. And no matter how much “he’s harmless,” at this point in my life I’ve had enough dogs nip at me when I was told they didn’t bite that I don’t believe you.
I like my crotch. I wish I had someone being very nice to it, and so when your dog feels the need to sniff it, and you don’t stop it, it’s like a slap in the face that that is all the action I’m getting down there. Again, they make those cool leashes where there’s an automatic stopper on there.
I would go on about how un-cute it is when a dog humps your leg when you’re a first time visitor to someone’s house where the dog obviously runs the show, but I’m not anti-dog. I know there’s a lot of dog owners and I really don’t want to start a fight. I would just really appreciate being able to walk down the street unbothered. If I want to interact your dog, I’ll do just what another dog would do-approach it and sniff its butt.
Besides, I’ve got tons of skateboarders, homeless and bicyclists that think they’re still seven and need to ride on the sidewalk.
They’re sneaky. They’ve been planning for a long time. But cats are about to take over the world.
Once again, the public hasn’t been paying enough attention. They knew it. And they’re making their move. Cats have slowly been building off shore accounts and are about to fill their coffers with a tremendous amount of our money.
Everyone knows that cats can seem aloof. But it was all part of their master plan. They let dogs get all the attention, bouncing around and humping our shins, while the cats have been putting their master plan into action. You thought they were “just somewhere, they’ll be back” but they were meeting with bankers, lawyers and money management specialists.
It’s been a long term plan, a long term con. Like George Lucas waiting for special effects technology to develop before he made the three newest (and best*) Star Wars movies, cats have been laying low while the Internet developed in speed and accessibility. They waited while we became obsessed with silly social media outlets.
And now the cats can make their move. Don’t worry, this is not like The Planet of the Apes. They will not be striking with violence. But they will be doing damage, hitting us where it really counts-in our wallets. After years of slowly releasing more and more cute photos online, spreading through Facebook and Twitter, they’re hitting Madison Avenue and agents are negotiating some big contracts. They’ll be rolling around, acting cute, stealing our hearts, and reaping the rewards.
The cats have lied in wait. And now they’re getting paid.
We take you to a small tavern 10 miles outside of Kitty Hawk, South Carolna.
The date is December 17, 1903…
“Indeed Wilbur. After all those hours-days-weeks-we finally had success.”
“Don’t forget the years Orville.”
“Oh touché old boy.”
“So what do we do now.”
“Why we fly again and again, for longer times and farther distances.”
“Yeahhh. I’m wondering about a return on my investment.”
“Isn’t it enough to be part of history?”
“Welllll. I had a thought while I was up there for those twelve seconds. We carried ourselves, why not carry others?”
“We charge them to carry them from city to city. We’ll be flying that far in no time.”
“Hey gents can I get you another pint?”
“Yes my good woman-Two more.”
On yesterday’s Huffington Post front page there was an article about short celebrity men and how their size might surprise you. I took it as a guide to which celebrity’s a$$ I could kick.
Now I’m not a bully and I have never really had a problem with being short. So what if I’m too inches short of the 5’9″ average? It’s worked out well for me in my interest in gymnastics, magic, juggling, and really small cars. But occasionally the half-italian side of me wants to flaunt some machismo. Not as much as when I drank, but occasionally. And when I saw this article, the olive oil just started oozing. So in order of smallest to biggest-
Danny DeVito 5″0-
Oh no I can’t hit Louie. Sorry not the first one. Plus he’s Italian.
No, I don’t think so. That’s like breaking a Hummel figurine, it’s too pretty.
Michael J. Fox 5’4″-
Yeah right, I’m gonna be the guy to beat up Michael J. Fox, bravely and publicly fighting a debilitating disease.
Seth Green 5’4″-
Bruno Mars 5’5″-
Actually, I kind of like his singing.
Daniel Radcliffe 5’5″-
He’d probably slip on the Harry Potter glasses right before I tried to.
Jon Stewart 5’6″-
Before I get on his show. Uh, no.
Macaulay Culkin 5’7″-
Same height. Fair Fight. Now this I think I could do. Get that Home Alone expression right back on his face when he doesn’t know what hit him.
“Good evening ladies and gentleman, welcome to our weekly meeting of Living Anonymous. who would care to share first?”
“Alright Danny, go ahead.”
“I went down to Earth and sat in front of a McDondald’s and watched people eat Big Macs.”
“Oh that ain’t nothing.”
“Ok Stephanie what do you have to share?”
“Well, I-oh this is so embarrassing-”
“No, no, we’ve all been there. You’re not alone.”
“Ok. I went to a bar and watched people get silly drunk.”
“Oh that’s nothing, many of us miss the things that we’re considered bad but felt so good.”
“I did something like that.”
“Alright Stuart let’s hear it.”
“I watched people vote in a small election.”
“Well that’s just wrong.”