Water Cooler Talk 7-31-13

Weekly random thoughts. Since I’m self-employed it’s my version of water cooler talk: no one to talk to so it goes out to cyberspace.

Why is it called a potty? What if, while the kid was learning, he heard simultaneously “make sure you poop in the potty” and “the water’s boiling over in the pot” and started heading to the kitchen when it was “time?”

Why, oh why, and I mean someone please tell me, is Anthony Weiner still running for mayor? He sure has got some balls, he should have sexted those.

How come stores that say Beauty Supply don’t have really great looking women for me to browse?

If you say a secret to an ATM will it repeat it? Think about it.

Is it just me, because I don’t get it-townhouses have really small populations.

If you tow a rental car across the country do you still have to pay for it?

Why do car places always say “Tire and Auto?” Doesn’t the second include the first?

Seems like the republican and democratic colors should be black and blue instead of red and blue,  with all their fighting.

Self-serve dog washing places. I got nothing to say, that’s just too funny and absurd all on its own.

If you have a picnic indoors do you have to already have your garbage can full so you can get the whole experience?

Seriously? 68¢?

A photo of a McDonalds' Big Mac hamburge

 

I do not normally write about something in the news. For one, Jon Stewart and the Daily Show already do it too good. Two, it could possibly never end if I started, especially politics. And my brain has so many thoughts already running through it. But I just couldn’t pass this one up.

According to Huffington Post:

Doubling the salaries and benefits of all McDonald’s employees — from workers earning the federal minimum wage of $7.25 per hour to CEO Donald Thompson, whose 2012 compensation totaled $8.75 million — would cause the price of a Big Mac to increase just 68 cents, from $3.99 to $4.67, Arnobio Morelix told HuffPost. In addition, every item on the Dollar Menu would go up by 17 cents.

This is a study by a University of Kansas student who was probably eating McDonald’s or some other fast food as he researched and prepared it.

McDonald’s didn’t comment. There’s the funny part. I see the meeting going like this:

“Um, grumble, grumble, grumble.”

1st exec: “Where’s my coffee? No I don’t want ours, I want a triple shot mocha.”

2nd exec: “Did you see that study?”

1st exec: “Yes I did.”

2nd exec: : “Should we do anything about it?”

1st exec: “Heck no, I make 8.75 million dollars, why do I need to double my salary? And if I don’t need it, why should anyone else?”

The reality of this situation is insane. I wonder what the price would be if those executives in the millions didn’t take the raise and just let the minimum wage workers have it? It would probably go down.

One could argue that it’s their choice to work there for the wage but where else can you get a job that only entails pushing a picture of a product and withstanding the smell of grease? But seriously McD’s, it seems somewhere you could find it in your heart to figure it out. Don’t you get that all the good things you do end up getting overshadowed by this pettiness? And if your argument is that people around the world are also in dire economic times, well tell them to just get the small fries cause the calories are already in the gazillions.

Trouble is, I don’t eat at McD’s so I can’t protest. And I know how hard it is with kids to stop the moms from going to McDonald’s. And nothing makes the work day go slower like a quick drive-thru. So I wonder if there’s hope. I’ve worked with the people from McDonald’s for events at their Ronald McDonald Houses. They seemed to care. Let’s hope the higher ups do as well.

Volleyball

volleyball

 

The Asics World Something or Other rolled into Long Beach this weekend and two thoughts come to mind:

“Woo hoo, butts!”

“I don’t get it.”

Let’s take the latter first. Being a height-challenged individual, I tend to not understand sports like volleyball and basketball. Those were the kind that I slowly got worse as everyone else in junior high and high school kept growing, and considering my already chubby, slow state, I just lost interest. I also think that you have to live near or on the beach to fully immerse yourself in volleyball, I don’t think it’s as fun in a gym, the whistles are louder. But that’s not to say that I don’t appreciate it, I think that volleyball and basketball players are some of the finest-conditioned athletes and their movements are both graceful and amazing.

Here’s what I learned about volleyball this weekend:

  • Announcers love to say “Long Beach make some noise.” They do it a lot.
  • The balls themselves must be valuable cause if one goes flying into the crowd, they want it back. Not like baseball when a player can even throw one into the stands.
  • You can’t look away, stuff happens really quick. Not good for the short attention span individuals like me
  • Coconut water is really good. They were giving away tons of it. I always loved the smell of coconut but never the taste, but that was usually in its shaved state. This was good and they had mango and passion fruit tinged ones as well. Oh and the women giving them away were sooooo cute.
  • They make hand signals to each other. I don’t know what they are, but they forced me to look at their butts. It’s not my fault!

Which brings me to my first thought: butts. Volleyball players have amazing butts. I’m talking about the women here, you would have to ask someone else about the men. But there is a difference in that the men wear long shorts and the women wear these incredibly small thong-style bikinis so I just assume it’s an invitation to look. If not, it seems to me to be the same hypocritical notion as a woman who says “my eyes are up here” that’s wearing a very low cut top and has ample bosooms. “Then why are you wearing that” is always my question.*

volleyball2

The great thing about women volleyball players is that they’re very tall. So I’m not intimidated by them. I could fully flirt with them because I know there’s no chance. I just picture them patting me or kissing me on my bald head and then lifting me up by my arm pits and saying “who’s so cute? you’re so cute,” and then rubbing noses.

It was fun. The crowd was fun and there were a lot more women in bikinis my size that I didn’t get up the nerve to talk to. I believe when one of the women handing out coconut water, who had the most amazing legs and smile, asked if I wanted one I said “Betheopppppusus” and then she just handed it to me.

*This is a comedy blog-I’m very respectful.

A Conversation Between Angels L

“Hello Teddy.”

“Hello Franklin.”

“Can you believe that Anthony Weiner character, it gives us politicians such a bad name?”

“Yeah, maybe if his name didn’t match the crime he wouldn’t have even thought of it.”

“Well you know it’s a good thing that we wear loose fitting robes up here with no zippers.”

“Why’s that Franklin?”

“The way Nixon’s always pulling pranks up here he might have jumped on the bandwagon.”

Amusingz 8

The first time I heard the expression “pulled pork” I thought they were dragging little piggies around by their tiny tails.

If you hold back sneezes too much, does that put you in league with the Devil?

If we’re just going to end up back in them anyways, why not just use diapers all the time? It would save on paper and having trouble taking care of business when you’re not home.

Anthony Weiner. The name fits what he did and how he acts. Ya just can’t write that stuff.

Lately older former models are posting pics of themselves in bikinis in their 40s. They look good, but please someone tell them not to do that when they’re in their 70s.

Do other chickens find the legs and the wings the most attractive parts as well?

Do birds and fish ever contemplate the world and wonder why they don’t switch places during the day?

How old does the Royal baby have to be before you can ask him for money?

If you burn the candle at both ends doesn’t it eventually hurt your fingers and you stop working?

Did the whole kissing with your eyes closed thing start because Eve thought Adam was an uggo?

Crush on the Teacher

Lisa-Randall

 

Oh Tuesday, the Huffington Post ran a story on woman in physics and in particular about the number hired to teach on the college level. It went on to discuss statistics about blah blah blah blah blah. I really don’t know what it said because it had a picture of Lisa Randall and I kept looking up at that.

When I was a kid, I had crushes on two teachers, one who taught English and one who taught Biology. Even in junior high school when most guys were just talking about the Farrah Fawcett poster, I was going for the smart women.

Lisa Randall is a brilliant physicist who has written several books and appeared on numerous talk shows. She and I are the exact same age, so now it’s not just the school boy crush. Sure I’ll do some of the same things, tell her I don’t understand any thing about science so that she has to write stuff on the blackboard and I get to look at her butt. But my crush really started when I saw her on the Daily Show and Jon Stewart made her laugh. She likes funny guys. So I can be dazzled by her brilliance and she can be taken with my wit.

I’ll cook Italian for her and ask her to taste the sauce and she’ll go “mmm” and then tell me something about the molecular structure of tomatoes and I’ll tell her a joke.

Two physicists walk into a bar. Bartender says what’ll you have. The first physicist says I’ll take a beer. The second one says I’ll have the Secrets of the Universe. Bartender says I don’t know what that is and the physicist says Nobody does.

She’ll laugh and tea will come out of her nose. She drinks tea because she’s sophisticated and classy. I’ll worry about how much she’s out of my league and she’ll say things like “Honey, I don’t need a brilliant man. I’m around brilliant people all day.” I’ll be so focused on how I love when she calls me honey that I won’t realize I’ve been insulted. She knows this and she really just keeps me around for my body because all the people in the physics and science world really are kind of dull and not very physically active. She’s the “physics babe” and knows it.

It won’t last, it will be brief and it will be hot. At least unlike the crushes I had in school, it could happen. She won’t be arrested.

And like Wayne Campbell of Wayne’s World always said, “yeah and monkeys could fly out of my butt.”

The Origin of Schmooze

Talking with my writer friends the other day the word schmooze came up. I always liked the word, not for its definition but for its sound. I decided to look up the origin of Schmooze and the only facts were these: it comes from the Yiddish word schmues which means “to chat, to talk or to gossip” depending on which webpage you want to believe. And it is believed that it came into widespread use in the early 1900s when large numbers of Yiddish-speaking European Jews immigrated to the United States. Since that was all there was I was forced to make up my own history.

Felix Mendelsohn was twenty four years old when people began calling him the Schmoozer. And paying him to go away. In the small town his family lived in, he was alone most of the time while his parents worked to afford their small apartment. Therefore Felix was left to his own devices, an only child who was not shy and had quite the gift for gab. While many young children create fantasy worlds, making their toys talk and live adventures, Felix bragged to the street vendors and shop owners who would listen. he had a gift for crafting a story and the adults would listen to them until they could not listen anymore and gave him a few coins to go get something to eat or an ice cream.

Felix discovered that the more outlandish his stories were, the faster he would be paid and sent away. When he eventually reached high-school age, he was spending very little time in actual school and more on the streets learning who he could approach and what he could tell them to get some money in his pocket and food in his belly. He ate better during the day then he did at the family dinner table.

In 1884, Felix’s father announced that they were going to the New World and would seek new opportunities in America. This put Felix’s mind into overdrive. On the boat over, he began to ply the sailors for tales of the United States and what he could expect. By the time they arrived in New York and settled in Brookyln, Felix hit the pavement running, literally, to locate all the coffee shops, restaurants, places where people would meet. He learned all he could at the local bars, since he was now old enough to drink and people gave away a lot of information when they were drunk. Where Felix once made up his stories, he now learned the art of listening and relating those stories to others who valued the information and paid him for it.

On March 22nd, 1889, Bess Rosenstein met Felix in a local bagel shop. She was impressed by the man who everyone seemed to be interested in. When she walked up to him and introduced herself she asked what he did. “Well,” Feliz said, “I’m sort of a ‘schmues’ specialist.”

“Schues,” she said, “so you’re the town gossip.”

“No, it’s a little more,”Felix said. “I get paid. So maybe that’s not the right word. Besides, no one wants to hear Yiddish in American. I think I’ll call myself The Schmoozer. That way it sounds more American kind of English and then I can be the only one.”

Today, if Facebook still allowed, Felix Mendelsohn would be the King of Friends. And rich.