The REAL 4th


Gather ’round children, it’s time we tell you that the truth you learned about Independence Day is not the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. It’s only partially true.

Now don’t blame your parents or your teachers, because this version, it turns out, is a lot more fun. Let’s start with an interesting fact-the Declaration of Independence was not actually signed on July 4, it was August 2. And if you don’t believe me, it’s in Wikipedia and everything there is true. Do you know why it wasn’t signed on that date? Because they were all drunk.

Now Thomas Jefferson, John Adams, and Benjamin Franklin all did sign it on that day. But that’s just because they were the goodie two shoes of the group. The other 53 were wasted out of their mind and got around to it when they happened to see the paper sitting there and were like “oh yeah I’m supposed to sign this. Hey-yeah, put on your wig and get over here, you need to sigh this too!”

They can’t be blamed of course. They’d just beaten England and didn’t have to speak proper anymore and subside their emotions. It was time to party! So they would start a tradition of people drinking too much and saying things that they normally wouldn’t say. They would celebrate and embrace their independence from societal norms. The idea of fireworks for the 4th originally came from the tyrants that Samuel Adams went on for those three weeks. He was all, “I’m just a merchant and you guys are the smart ones! no no it’s ok, I know what you think of me! But it’s us regular folks that are going to run this country.” Thereto started another tradition of believing that just because one battle was one, the “little man” would prevail over big government and lawyers. Silly Sammy.

So to did the tradition of barbecues and potato salad and parades begin because drunks’ll eat anything and walk around like idiots with all sorts of stupid costumes and dances. When they’d finished their nearly month long string of booze and sobered up they tried to remember when they started and that’s the date they wrote on the page.

And that kids, is the real story of The 4th of July.


This of course is not true.