Crush on the Teacher



Oh Tuesday, the Huffington Post ran a story on woman in physics and in particular about the number hired to teach on the college level. It went on to discuss statistics about blah blah blah blah blah. I really don’t know what it said because it had a picture of Lisa Randall and I kept looking up at that.

When I was a kid, I had crushes on two teachers, one who taught English and one who taught Biology. Even in junior high school when most guys were just talking about the Farrah Fawcett poster, I was going for the smart women.

Lisa Randall is a brilliant physicist who has written several books and appeared on numerous talk shows. She and I are the exact same age, so now it’s not just the school boy crush. Sure I’ll do some of the same things, tell her I don’t understand any thing about science so that she has to write stuff on the blackboard and I get to look at her butt. But my crush really started when I saw her on the Daily Show and Jon Stewart made her laugh. She likes funny guys. So I can be dazzled by her brilliance and she can be taken with my wit.

I’ll cook Italian for her and ask her to taste the sauce and she’ll go “mmm” and then tell me something about the molecular structure of tomatoes and I’ll tell her a joke.

Two physicists walk into a bar. Bartender says what’ll you have. The first physicist says I’ll take a beer. The second one says I’ll have the Secrets of the Universe. Bartender says I don’t know what that is and the physicist says Nobody does.

She’ll laugh and tea will come out of her nose. She drinks tea because she’s sophisticated and classy. I’ll worry about how much she’s out of my league and she’ll say things like “Honey, I don’t need a brilliant man. I’m around brilliant people all day.” I’ll be so focused on how I love when she calls me honey that I won’t realize I’ve been insulted. She knows this and she really just keeps me around for my body because all the people in the physics and science world really are kind of dull and not very physically active. She’s the “physics babe” and knows it.

It won’t last, it will be brief and it will be hot. At least unlike the crushes I had in school, it could happen. She won’t be arrested.

And like Wayne Campbell of Wayne’s World always said, “yeah and monkeys could fly out of my butt.”


2 thoughts on “Crush on the Teacher

  1. I feel similarly about Caroline Heldman.

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