Volleyball

 

The Asics World Something or Other rolled into Long Beach this weekend and two thoughts come to mind:

“Woo hoo, butts!”

“I don’t get it.”

Let’s take the latter first. Being a height-challenged individual, I tend to not understand sports like volleyball and basketball. Those were the kind that I slowly got worse as everyone else in junior high and high school kept growing, and considering my already chubby, slow state, I just lost interest. I also think that you have to live near or on the beach to fully immerse yourself in volleyball, I don’t think it’s as fun in a gym, the whistles are louder. But that’s not to say that I don’t appreciate it, I think that volleyball and basketball players are some of the finest-conditioned athletes and their movements are both graceful and amazing.

Here’s what I learned about volleyball this weekend:

• Announcers love to say “Long Beach make some noise.” They do it a lot.
• The balls themselves must be valuable cause if one goes flying into the crowd, they want it back. Not like baseball when a player can even throw one into the stands.
• You can’t look away, stuff happens really quick. Not good for the short attention span individuals like me
• Coconut water is really good. They were giving away tons of it. I always loved the smell of coconut but never the taste, but that was usually in its shaved state. This was good and they had mango and passion fruit tinged ones as well. Oh and the women giving them away were sooooo cute.
• They make hand signals to each other. I don’t know what they are, but they forced me to look at their butts. It’s not my fault!

Which brings me to my first thought: butts. Volleyball players have amazing butts. I’m talking about the women here, you would have to ask someone else about the men. But there is a difference in that the men wear long shorts and the women wear these incredibly small thong-style bikinis so I just assume it’s an invitation to look. If not, it seems to me to be the same hypocritical notion as a woman who says “my eyes are up here” that’s wearing a very low cut top and has ample bosooms. “Then why are you wearing that” is always my question.*

The great thing about women volleyball players is that they’re very tall. So I’m not intimidated by them. I could fully flirt with them because I know there’s no chance. I just picture them patting me or kissing me on my bald head and then lifting me up by my arm pits and saying “who’s so cute? you’re so cute,” and then rubbing noses.

It was fun. The crowd was fun and there were a lot more women in bikinis my size that I didn’t get up the nerve to talk to. I believe when one of the women handing out coconut water, who had the most amazing legs and smile, asked if I wanted one I said “Betheopppppusus” and then she just handed it to me.

*This is a comedy blog-I’m very respectful.