Amusingz 13

If you live in a lighthouse do you really hate flashlights?

Would the Boogeyman scare anyone any more?

If you broke your arm and didn’t get it set would you look like the Scarecrow all the time?

If you knew you’d been a bad person all your life and started eating nothing but jalapeño peppers the last year, would you be ready?

Does the memory foam for beds also remember the sounds and smells you’ve passed on and return them to you?

I want to go back to school, but only if I can pay the same tuition as when I didn’t finish.

Just Stop!


What would happen if everything just stopped? Like a special effect in the movies, everyone just went still? Except we weren’t frozen, but were forced to stop texting and running and worrying and just stopped. And just like they make you do in church, we had to turn to the person next to us and say something like “Peace be with you” or shake their hand or <gasp> look them in the eyes. For, let’s not get crazy, fifteen minutes.

That’s not too long and that’s not too short. Five minutes everyone could power through. Many could make it without even saying anything. We’ve all waited in a line too long for something and had to deal with that awkwardness. But you go past the five minute mark and you get uncomfortable, you would have to say something. What would you say?

Would you want to post how awkward this is to Facebook? Would you rather know what your friends are saying on Twitter about this instead of asking people right there? Would you remember how to shake a hand?

Would the paparazzi lay down their cameras and ask the celebrities a question about what they’re really thinking and then discover nothing interesting and stop taking their pictures? Would the celebrities discover the people behind the camera were real human beings or discover they’re just creepy period?

Would we talk immediately about Syria and Anthony Weiner and Snowden with the same repetitive ridiculousness of all that we’re fed or would we realize that the person next to us has really blue eyes? And then realize that the sky is really blue and the sun is gorgeous and then take off our shoes and walk in the grass and realize what we’ve been missing?

And then everything would turn back on.

And what would we do? Would we do what everyone promises to do when they go on vacation and swear they’re going to relax and then never do it? Would we get on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram and share the beauty of those fifteen minutes or would we just tweet and share and post —


“What did I miss?”

Facebook is my Pimp



It has been a long time since I was on a date. A looong time. So long I’m seriously worried that I won’t know where stuff goes. So long that I’m afraid I’ll giggle when I touch a boob. So long I’m giggling thinking of and typing the word boob. The other day on the el platform a young woman in a tank top had a very interesting tattoo with the words “The truth will set you free” on her back and little birds flying beside the quote. I was two seconds away from licking the path that the birds were traveling.

And Facebook knows this.

We know that what Facebook has become is a data mining gold rush where it can tell us what we want to buy before we want to buy it. But I didn’t know that it could also tell our moods. Because I am opening my Facebook page every morning and finding ads that “Leslie, 34, has sent you a message.” There’s also ads for yoga singles and singles over 40 and singles who like to have their tattoos licked. Facebook knows exactly what I want!

And I know it’s just for me. Because there are no ads for Russian brides, there are no ads for successful executive singles, Facebook knows I don’t have any money.

And the trouble is, I have been two seconds away from clicking them. My hormones are nearly out of control where I will just touch someone and make noises like the Tasmanian Devil.

Help me Twitter, you’re my only hope.

Water Cooler Talk 8-27-13

Weekly random thoughts. Since I’m self-employed it’s my version of water cooler talk: no one to talk to so it goes out to cyberspace.

If Facebook itself had an emoticon that rolled its eyes at what people said would that change what people post in their status?

Are birds and fish jealous of what the other can do?

Do popped pimples work as sunscreen?

If a child picked up a leaf and tried to give it back to the tree, would the tree take it or would it go all Wizard of Oz on the kid and slap him?

They have speed limits, why not IQ minimums for our roads?

Have they ever found a fossil of a boner, was it ever left in that condition? I know, I know, very junior high.

If Willy Wonka could make an edible newspaper that tasted like coffee and donuts they’d be popular again.

Some say that a doctor does God’s work. So if the doctor gets to see God, does God make the doctor wait?

It’s right there yet I’ve seen no on use “Billy Ray Cyrus Acky Breaky Heart over Miley’s VMA performance.”

If they take jail out of Monopoly how will we teach our kids not to become Bernie Maddoffs and inside traders?

The Wrong Drug is Illegal



Just got back from a mile walk and I was nearly hit by four drivers crossing the street. One old man in a black cadillac yelled at me to “pick it up” because I wasn’t crossing the street fast enough for his needs. I used Woody Allen’s old stand-up joke. I told him to “be fruitful and multiply, but not in those exact words.” Another  (#1) was inching impatiently for me to cross so she could turn right on red and the driver across from her (#2) started honking because the woman (#1) was not turning and the driver (#2) failed to notice me trying to cross the street in one piece. Then the driver (#3) behind the original driver (#1) started honking because #1 was still waiting for me and then I crossed the street and yelled at the driver (#3) to shut up and then he started yelling at me instead of moving but his windows were rolled up so I couldn’t hear what he said and then another driver (#4) came up behind him and started honking which was ironic because the guy (#3) hadn’t moved and now was being honked at and he was the original honker.


So what is it? Then I looked down at my hand and saw the coffee cup. I remember in high school we were told that coffee was a drug and we all laughed because every adult we knew drank it. We also knew that adults were cranky and crabby but we never connected the two because the teacher went on to describe all the bad drugs.

But it occurs to me that with all the attempts to legalize marijuana maybe we’ve got the wrong drugs legal and illegal. They both grow in the same types of areas and climates, yet seem to have very different effects. What would this morning have been like if, instead of coffee, the drivers would have had a cup of tea brewed with marijuana.

I’m thinking the old man would have said “Top of the Morning” to me…because he looked Irish. The woman who was very impatiently waiting for me to cross so she could turn right might have said “Wow I like your blue t-shirt, it’s really bright, it’s like the sky” and then the guy who was waiting for her would have noticed me walking and also noticed the Dunkin Donuts cup in my hand and said “Oh man, do they have the chocolate chip muffins this morning, they are soooo good.” And then instead of all of them honking at each other, they could have all pulled over and we could have just sat on the grass and talked.

Now one might argue that people are just in a hurry to get to work at this early hour. Well that’s going to completely change if marijuana is also served at the office. The employee runs in and the boss will say “whoa, whoa, what’s your hurry? We’ve got plenty of time to get to the work. Sit down, how’s the family?” Everybody will be much more interested in the little, beautiful things of every one’s lives.

Slow down, you’re moving too fast. At the very least, maybe everyone should switch to tea. Tea drinkers seem to be a lot more mellow.