Halloween Amusingz

My mom loves Halloween and loves my Water Cooler Talk, so here’s the special Halloween edition just for her.

Do skeletons ever have a problem with calcium deficiency?

OMG, Wolfman… two words, con-ditioner.

I must have sang it a thousand times but no one ever smelled my feet and gave me something good to eat.

I hope the homeless won’t misread the situation and think I’m insulting them. I’m just going to be dressed like myself and I can’t afford new clothes yet.

Funny how many parents talk about having to get new candy because they have eaten the Halloween candy prematurely. Do they let their kids indulge early as well?

Did the first TP-ing of a house on Halloween occur when a child’s mummy costume was just too lame for him or her to handle any longer?

I think that acting out at your parents in puberty may have it’s root in trick-or-treating, first it’s Santa and then they steal the good Halloween candy.


Water Cooler Talk 10-30-13

Weekly random thoughts. Since I’m self-employed it’s my version of water cooler talk: no one to talk to so it goes out to cyberspace.

If you eat beer soaked beans does that make you burp and fart thus making it the musical orchestra?

Do hamsters think they’re going somewhere when they run on those wheels or do they just get their exercise that way and then laugh with all their little hamster buddies at how we watch them do it?

On that note, do hamsters wish they were fish so that they wouldn’t sweat while they work out for you viewing pleasure?

Why do people post they’ve already eaten all of their Halloween candy on Facebook? Does that make them seem “social” instead of fat pigs?

I’m surprised Tums doesn’t advertise more this time of year.

If you did a load of laundry in the dishwasher and a load of dishes in the washing machine, would you lose spoons and chip your underwear?

We had it made when we had walkie-talkies as kids. Because when the antenna broke off you had a sword too. Try and beat that smart phone.

I didn’t take a shower for a whole week and it turns out insects do have a sense of smell, my apartment is now bug-free.

I wonder if the Gettysburg Address would be as memorable if Lincoln used his original opening, “So yesterday…”



I wonder what it must be like to be the president. And I don’t just mean President Obama, but I have a feeling they’ve all had similar experiences.

What must it be like to have clear vision and ideals that you’re trying to get across?

In my performing career I dealt with rooms of drunks and four year olds, so that’s probably the same as it is with Congress. I dealt with name calling as a kid with glasses and was chubby, so it’s probably not far off from the media. But I grew up in (at the time) the whitest suburb in the nation so thinly veiled racial stereotypes in 2013 when the man has already served four years; well I just want to give him a cookie.

I can only picture myself in grade school, learning about the history of the United States and seeing the portraits of all the men who have led this country. It’s inspiring. And as you age and develop your own point of view, I think you hold onto that ideal that you might be able to do great things for what really is a great country.

But man, once you hit that office and face all the BS and day to day, well I just would be under the desk or curled up on that rug with my thumb in my mouth by lunch. Everybody criticized George Bush Junior for taking all the time off, but maybe that’s the only way that you can make it-go ride your horsey.

I don’t pay attention much to politics. I look at the headlines and I watch the Daily Show. Because I need the humor with it. I am a smart guy and if I paid too much attention it would just drive me nuts. There’s not enough yoga poses created to relieve that stress.

But I think about something I heard Dennis Miller say once, and I’m paraphrasing, “hey I didn’t vote for the guy but he’s got the job and I’m going to support him.” I don’t know which president was working at the time, but I think it’s valid no matter who. He’s elected, he’s got the job, let him do it. Does anyone follow a janitor around all day telling them they missed a spot?

Maybe Hillary could be next. Maybe she’s smart enough to be able to play them, and cry when she needs to. Not that she’d need to, but it would get all those old farts to shut up. Meantime, man, give the guy a break. Look how gray he’s become.