“Hello, good morning everyone, for those of you that are new I’m Judas. I know, I don’t look like the paintings, I wasn’t always portrayed in a very flattering light, and well, maybe deservedly so. Ok, so, my main job is heading up the relief team for this two week period surrounding the holidays.
“Having gone through what I went through and been forgiven, I’ve got a soft spot for lost souls. And the holidays bring out the loneliness in the single folks. Now, of course we can not be seen, but our presence will be felt. Most importantly, we can facilitate.
“So let’s go down the list. One, bring plenty of kleenex. It’s easy to sneak those just within reach. Two, we need to make sure that the wine is also within reach, except-and this is big-it needs to be set on the edge of tables when it’s time to quit and we’re there-again to facilitate-it getting knocked over so the individual can’t drink too much.
“And third, and perhaps related to number two, watch the calls and texting. Especially coming up this Tuesday, we are allowed to tamper with technology and data connections just a bit. Believe me when I say this, we don’t want to start the new year off with a lot of regret so let’s keep the people from calling their exes or people they are pining for but don’t feel the same way.
Ok, I think that’s all. Please, I can’t stress this enough, don’t make the decisions for them. Let them feel, let them be lonely, but don’t let them hurt themselves. Be careful out there.”
A special Friday edition of the Wednesday weekly Water Cooler Talk because, well, I felt like it. And it’s my blog.
I wrote a really long letter to Santa and all I got back was a credit card application with “Get Your Own” written across the top.
Why don’t snowmen put their hats in front of them on the ground to collect tips for being motionless like those street performers who paint themselves to look like statues.
I still don’t get the allure of skiing, sledding seems to be the same basic motion and a hell of a lot cheaper.
I’m very excited about my new exhibit The Frozen Booger Collection where I carve busts of past presidents.
Why don’t they make left-handed shovels?
What if the Grinch had never given Christmas back?
Why do weathermen still act surprised when it’s cold in the winter?
Jack Frost NIPPING at your nose, Chestnuts ROASTING on an open fire, Winter’s really angry.
Weekly random thoughts. Since I’m self-employed it’s my version of water cooler talk: no one to talk to so it goes out to cyberspace.
I wonder if the original reindeers were very skeptical of a dude with a red nose leading the pack?
How come it hasn’t been changed to Black and Blue Friday?
Does anyone worry about whether Santa is gluten-sensitive?
Do any of the elves make lifts for themselves?
I’ll bet Mrs. Claus doesn’t mind the night to herself.
So when the “stockings were hung by the chimney with care” do people take into consideration Santa’s coming through there and he doesn’t need some hippy “beaded door” to walk through?
I wonder if Mary was thinking, “Myrrh? I have an immaculate birth and you bring myrrh? What is myrrh?”
I wonder if Christmas trees are like dogs, they can see people coming and they just want to scream, “No you are not putting that sh*t on me, I am not getting dressed up for your amusement!!!”
I wonder if priests and ministers get nervous like other performers, “this is the biggest gig of the year.”
Elves must be really pissed when they open their gift and they made that one.
OK, so it’s like the night before the night before Christmas and all through the house, the only thing stirring is reruns on television and my fingers on the keyboard and mouse.
My parents are all snug in their beds and I’m wide awake on the couch cause I ate too much bread.
Snow has fallen and it’s zero degrees, I forgot about runny noses and the bite of the cold winter’s breeze.
But all is well and there will be good cheer, I just saw It’s A Wonderful Life and again shed a tear.
So a wish for you all on this eve of the eve, may the big man in red have some real magic up his sleeve.