Hi…God here

<screeech>

I’m sorry, I don’t know how to use this thing. I think John Bonham and Buddy Rich used it last playing drums.

Hey everybody, it’s God. Yep, the God.  I don’t do this often but I thought we could have a sunset chat. I know you might be thinking this is an impostor, and I could mess up the weather real quick to prove it, but you all have been doing that too good as of late. Suffice to say wherever you go you won’t escape this announcement and let’s move on.

So sometimes the boss has to bear responsibility for his employees. I saw the big news in Chicago about new information of—well, putting it mildly—inappropriate behavior, of some of the priests, that wasn’t reported fully. Ok, so I just need to make it clear. That is not the Word of God. Ok. I am the boss, but I am not responsible for what my employees do in their off hours. Which, I know, as I say it is not completely true because they did it with altar boys.

This is just another thing where people forget that no matter where they are in the company, they reflect everyone. They make Catholics look bad, they make the church look bad, they make me look bad. I gave you free will, I’m not really responsible, but c’mon fellas. Really, though, this is not about me. I just thought maybe this was a teaching moment that couldn’t be passed up. Everything you do does impact everyone else —so boys pull your pants up, girls leave your pants on, and please, clergy, keep it in your pants.

Wow, I am babbling. I don’t know what I’m saying, I’m still tired from the Creation and I’m missing Jeopardy. Here’s the thing folks, I have faith in you. Always did. So start thinking about how what you do affects everyone else, start taking responsibility for all your actions. And act like human beings for Christ’s sake.

Ohhh boy, he’s not gonna like that. He’s still mad at me for having to die for everyone’s sins.

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Water Cooler Talk 1-22-14

Weekly random thoughts. Since I’m self-employed it’s my version of water cooler talk: no one to talk to so it goes out to cyberspace.

If fruit is so good for you why does it hide in trees? Cows are just standing there.

Why does the phrase “like two peas in a pod” refer to being similar instead of trapped in a claustrophobic relationship?

I wonder if hot dogs secretly wish they were hamburgers so teenage boys couldn’t play with them and pretend they’re penises.

I wonder why Chef Boy-Ar-Dee didn’t buy Hostess, cause you pair up Spaghetti-Os and a Twinkie and you got a meal!

Cayenne Pepper has been praised for its healing capabilities, but poor old black pepper is still salt’s less attractive cousin.

Are birds disappointed that bird houses don’t have cable?

I wonder if the happy birthday song was supposed to be a short story but the author could only think of one character?

Let’s End the “Ha-Ha”

no-ha-ha

In my time as a writer I have been involved in three critique groups where I was given very valuable input. Sometimes it hurt. But it’s always in the spirit of giving and change for the better. And in that vein, I’d like to suggest a new universal rule—no one should write “ha ha” after what they conceive to be a joke in an email or text.* Anymore. Anywhere.

Now it’s good to back up criticism with information or facts.

  • People should be allowed to figure out if something is funny for themselves
  • If you have to explain a joke, it isn’t funny. Same logic with the “ha ha,” if you have to imply that it’s funny it might not be.
  • If you think you’re funny but unsure, and the “ha ha” is a nervous tick, go to an open mike at a comedy club. You will find out if you’re funny very quickly and then you’ll either drop the “ha ha” because you will no longer be insecure or you will drop it because you realize you’re not funny.
  • You know you’re putting that in there so that you get an LOL back.

Now let me make it clear. I’m ok with the lol. I think it’s an honest response and I use it responsibly. Lower case to denote small giggle or chuckle, uppercase when it really has been out loud. And let me caution you to also use them in moderation and efficiently, because you are in no small way responsible for the Ha Ha Monster —they’ve come to believe they’re funny because of too liberal use of lol. I’m even ok with the smiley face. That’s just a safety net to make sure the other side knows you’re kidding. Because it is hard to convey humor. I get that.

But when it comes to the ha-ha, I recommend you laugh to yourself when you think something’s funny. Let’s not make the Ha Ha and the LOL into the laugh track of modern society. Otherwise one day children will have lost their sense of humor the same way that people think How I Met Your Mother is funny. Because they’re been told it is.

*And bloggers or those interested in blogging, that goes double for you.

A Conversation Between Angels LXXVI

“Hey Burt.”

“Good morning.”

“I saw the funniest thing yesterday.”

“This isn’t about when the sun is just right you can see through the female’s robes-”

“No, no, no-”

“Cause that’s just not true. I’ve gotten busted staring.”

“No. I saw this guy, and he kept walking around people and kind of, I don’t know…nudging them together.”

“Like he wanted to make people into couples?”

“Yeah. He would walk behind, in front, around, until they would pair up.”

“Yeah that’s Noah. He does that.”

Germ Peace Time

From a very young age, we are taught to be careful of germs. We hear terms like “germ warfare.” But just like the absence of weapons of mass destruction, what if our fear of these little creatures that do much damage is greater than the threat itself?

I mean, nobody can see germs so how to we really know we’re there? All we know is to be careful of germs, that they exist on water fountains and door handles and little kid’s snot nose faces. But we know this because our grandma said it, and her grandma said it, and so on and so on, all the way back to the dinosaurs grandmas that said don’t eat that plant because it has germs, go eat that littler dinosaur.

Science tells us-and by science I mean kidsheath.org, which is where i looked up the definition of germs for this blog-that germs get their nutrients and multiply by feeding off their hosts, meaning us humans. But if that’s true and they are dependent on those things to sustain life, how did they start in the first place? What if germs don’t really exist and we have just created them because someone didn’t feel good and wanted to blame some tiny little helpless creature instead of blaming themselves for staying up too late, eating the wrong thing, drinking the wrong thing and maybe even kissing the wrong thing.

I once heard Dr. Wayne Dyer speak about how a woman asked him about not being sick and he said that he didn’t allow the thought of being sick to come in. Not sure that’s the only answer if you were also eating a pizza every night and drinking a six pack, but I do know that I’ve been on a very positive roll which also leads me to eat well and exercise and I haven’t been harboring any germs.

So maybe it’s time to start a germ peace movement! Instead of trying to fight off the possibility of attack with medicines we create a loving environment in our own bodies with all kinds of good stuff and it will be like a drumming, singing circle and any extemporaneous little one celled folks that happen to come around will be caught up in the joy going on in our bodies and only create more healthy cells instead of knocking us down.

Kumbaya Little Germies!