Water Cooler Talk 2-26-14

Weekly random thoughts. Since I’m self-employed it’s my version of water cooler talk: no one to talk to so it goes out to cyberspace.

In my next life, I’m going to come back as immortal.

With all the amazing technology inside, why haven’t they made the iPhone smudge-free?

I’m sad the Winter Olympics are over because now there are four more years until there’s something that I can honestly say I have absolutely no interest in.

I believe that all socks lost in the laundry go to an alternate Universe where they celebrate Christmas but they don’t like red.

I just figured out that people wanting “their share of the pie” does not refer to getting the last piece of pizza.

I wonder if any of my G.I. Joe action figures were gay?

I just realized that my spice rack has only different kinds of salt and pepper shakers. Lame right?

Do bananas know how to swim or are they really afraid when they’re cut up into cereal?

I wonder if people that lay on their sides while they read are better at crossword puzzles?

Why can’t life just hand me lemonade already made?

 

 

 

 

 

It’s The Forethought That Impresses Me

YouTube

Last night I was watching one of my favorite shows on YouTube, the Graham Norton Show, and noticed that there were multiple commercial breaks where there once was one, at the most. And the same with the second episode I watched. It struck me just how brilliant and foreword thinking the creators of YouTube and Facebook really are—they have been working the long con!

As a magician, I really have to admire the deception that they set up. YouTube got us slowly hooked on kittens and babies and soldiers returning from war that plucked at our heart strings. They made stars out of kids singing in their living rooms and people creating their own talk shows. Any one could do anything, post it for free, and they could send it anywhere.

And the same thing with Facebook. They let us connect with high school friends without having to go back for a reunion and have to pay for a hotel to see the town we wanted to leave. We could post photos of our children and not have to order the obligatory wallet size that only parents would use. And we could tell people where we were, what we had for lunch, and what we watched on TV—and someone listened.

And we had no idea that there was something lurking underneath. And that something was a swirling, bubbling, thick, river of money.

Even though I’m not paid to do this blog, i take it very seriously and so for you, my readers, I watched hours of Graham Norton specials.  At first I thought, you know, it’s fair. Why shouldn’t they make money?  And there’s only one commercial (for now) and many you can skip after five seconds.

That’s until I got to a commercial for a Long Beach political candidate.

OH MAN. That’s not a magic trick anymore, that’s a straight up deceit. That’s the psychic that magician’s debunk because they’re preying on the emotions of people and cheating them. That kind of thing makes me want to smack Mark Zuckerberg and then..kiss Marissa Meyer but also smash a grapefruit in her face like Jimmy Cagney did in the movie “The Public Enemy.” She didn’t invent YouTube  but I really want to kiss her and she’s probably done something to do with data mining in her role at Google and Yahoo. And the guys that invented YouTube aren’t that well known.

It really is the charlatan way, the Wizard behind the curtain faking it but not really coming out very lovable in the end. Sure Mark Zuckerberg is doing some good things with his money but he should after what he’s done.

But really who am I to judge. And how much different is knowing where you are and trying to sell you any different from the door to door vacuum cleaner salesman of the 1950s that would try to prey on the housewife in the suburbs by ringing their doorbells in the middle of the afternoon?

Just people trying to make money. And not thinking about bothering other people.

A Conversation Between Angels LXXVI

“Are you alright?”

“No, I think I have a headache.”

“No that’s impossible.”

“My stomach too, I think my stomach hurts.”

“You can’t get sick here.”

“Are you kidding, all the people, all the germs.”

“No, your physical ailments will never happen again.”

“Well if I can’t feel those things how will I know I’m alive?”

“Umm….”

I Do…And Scene.

Recently there was another story about another wedding where this time the woman sang instead of everyone dancing and the video has 14 million views. I’m all for sentimentality, joy and emotion, but what happened to the days when women didn’t want to be proposed to on the Jumbotron?

Seems like when all my friends were getting married, I’d hear about how the women would absolutely die if their man asked them to marry them via an announcement at a basketball game, sky-writing, or any overt display of a romantic and important moment to be shared by just the two of them. But something changed in the last twenty years because of reality television, or American Idol, or just plain folks starved for attention, because it now seems like it can only be the most “special moment of your life” if it goes viral.

Now I’m not really complaining because I’m quite the ham myself, but I’m worried about the future. How far will we take this?

Will it creep into funeral homes where people will try to outdo each other by making the eulogy unique? Maybe a puppet show with the deceased—a little “Weekend at Bernie’s” dance number with Uncle Charlie’s arms and legs tied to two of the talented nephews?  How about Cousin Edgar who’s always wanted to be a ventriloquist and just needs his big break? And let’s not ignore the possibility of a juggling number with the pall bearers and coffin itself.

I’m surprised there hasn’t been videos of wanna-be stand up comics performing to their soon to be arriving babies (and the area they’re coming from.) How about all the relatives doing a song and dance number to “My Blue Heaven,” given the mother-to-be’s name fits the lyric “Molly and Me and The Baby Makes Three?”

And how about a chorus serenading a three-time married woman with the Car’s “Here She Comes Again” as she enters the divorce court?

I don’t mean to be gross or any in any way diminish these blessed events with black humor, just trying to stop the train in time. Let’s be careful and keep priorities in check. If not, before we know it your great aunt Ida is going to be twerking it at Seth’s bar mitzvah after the blessings. And no one wants to see that.