Water Cooler Talk 5-27-14

Weekly random thoughts. Since I’m self-employed it’s my version of water cooler talk: no one to talk to so it goes out to cyberspace.

I wish I had kept it because I think the house I built out of Popsicle sticks when I was a kid is bigger than my present apartment.

I wonder how many mummies started out as hammocks gone awry?

I’ll bet pepperoni pizza thinks it’s soooo much sexier than sausage.

I wonder if Santa Claus ever wishes he could trade holidays one year and get candy instead of cookies?

I’m thinking of getting a t-shirt that says “I’m with Stupid” and just points down.

I remember once wishing the in-flight magazines had profiles of the flight attendants, specifically their turn-ons, so I could flirt. Now I just want to know what will make them less stressed so I can help them out.

If an IZOD shirt and a Ralph Lauren polo are washed together does the alligator try to bite the horse?

Oscar winning films should have more bald guys, just seems right.

If Cheetos are cheese that goes crunch, why don’t they put them on nachos to insure they don’t get mushy?

Yoga means union, of the body and the mind, yet every time I see a gorgeous female yoga body, I lose my mind. I must meditate on that.

Why does chicken that’s fried get cute names like “nuggets” and”fingers” and all poor fish gets is “sticks?”

A Conversation Between Angels LXXXVIII

“Hey Bernie, what you doing sitting by yourself?”

“Ah, just thinking about my life and if I accomplished everything I wanted.”

“Hmm. And, do you think you did?”

“Well, I had a good job and gave people what they wanted.”

“That’s good.”

“Yeah and I raised two kids that turned out to be good people.”

“Even better.”



“I didn’t do anything crazy, like get to sleep with some fabulous Hollywood actress. You know, without my wife finding out or hurting  her.”

“Well Bernie, you got every famous actress here.”

“Yeah, but even though my wife isn’t here yet, somehow, someway, she’ll know.”

The Battle of the Brains


It’s midnight, I want to go to sleep, but I also want to file my blog. I am a man of two minds, not only in this dilemma but the one that’s going on between the two hemispheres in the control of my functions: Left Brain vs. Right Brain.

I’ve found that my current personal and professional goals do battle in my noodle on a regular basis. There is the part of me that wants to be a full time writer and there’s the part of me that likes food and must still continue to do web design. And even though the second can be creative as well, the mathematical part necessary to code a web site puts it often more heavily into the left hemisphere and that side wants to dominate and tell the flaky artistic part to go get a burrito.

So I find myself here, laptop poised, fingers lightly on the a, s, d, f,j k, l and ; keys ready to type and I can’t get the brain to switch over. I slam the heel of my hand against the side of my skull trying to force the synapses to fire that way the way you might try to make water come out your ear. Nothing.

I watch a comedy clip of my favorite stand-up of the moment Louis CK. Nothing.

I wish to run nude and free through the unlimited universe of thought, imagination and creativity but there’s something unfinished on one of my website projects and the stubborn part of me that doesn’t like loose ends still has his pocket protector on.

The Battle of my Brains, or more appropriately, the sides of my brain, are like the battle waged every day in high school cafeterias, the cool kids versus the nerds. Each thinks they are better, each is a little jealous of the other’s capabilities, and neither wants to sit together. And the funny part is they need each other. Like the jock needs the nerd to copy off on test day, I need the left brain to manage websites and social media in order to increase my blogging audience. And like the geek needs the artist to introduce him to the art of talking to girls or at least procure beer so it won’t matter, I need the writer to help with all of the design parts and to keep me inspired on a day to day basis.

So why can’t they all just get along? Why is it that the logical side won’t make room for the creative side and vice-versa? Why do they have to have their “me” time? I suppose it’s like having twins, they both want more attention and will scream louder in an attempt to get it. But just like parents that can be exhausted by all the work until they see the twins dressed up for some special occasion, I should just be thankful that I’ve been blessed with both and keep doing my work.

Thanks for listening.





Water Cooler Talk 5-21-14

Weekly random thoughts. Since I’m self-employed it’s my version of water cooler talk: no one to talk to so it goes out to cyberspace.

I wonder if cartoons have health insurance.

There’s Agent Orange, but are there any other fruits that are spies?
Funny how the only animals that are obese are the ones that live with or are cared for by human.
I’ll bet stalagmites taunt stalactites all the time: “I dare ya, fall on me!”
Park is the same word for a place to gather and recreate and for a place to rest your car but you really shouldn’t mix the two.
I wonder who’d win in a cyber-race, the tortoise of the hare, whose thumbs would work better?
Which came first, the bowling ball or the bowling shoe, which one couldn’t live without the other?
Do the Keebler elves have to do their own weeding around the tree or are there even smaller people that do that?
I wonder if turkeys are getting suspicious yet that they can have anything they want to eat?