“Um, ok, hi.”
“Bernie, we’re the 100 and over club?”
“We all made it to 100 while we were alive. And we like to ask the newcomers how they lived so long?”
“I don’t think I did anything special.”
“Did you follow an all natural, organic diet?”
“Nope, mostly ate fast food, especially burgers.”
“Hmm, how about exercise, did you run, cycle, swim?”
“Nope, only when I played a video game.”
“Wow. Do you know what might have accounted for your longevity?”
“Just trying to avoid my wife’s cooking.”
I spend a lot of time on foot these days, so I am afforded more opportunities to observe people and I have developed some new names for certain types of people.
People in their 30s need to stop using the phrase “old-school hip hop.” Hip hop hasn’t been around long enough to be old-school, they’re using that wrong.
I call them the Time Tripper because they seem to trip over their correct decade usage. Old school should still relate to the era of the Rat Pack, when it was a different class of entertainer by their dress, manner and type of music. Old school hip-hop is still hip hop.
The staller is the person in line at the the 7-11 who doesn’t really have all of their items chosen. They are the next in line to pay yet they keep picking out things from the impulse-buy racks by the register. “Oh wait, this too” is their favorite phrase. It is possible that they secretly have a boatload of disposable income and this is the only way that they can spend it, or they either have a crush on the cashier or simply need to take more time being waited on by someone because they feel ignored.
An amalgam of stubborn and linebacker, this individual stands on the train platform and as soon as the doors open tries to enter the train before letting any passengers out. They know exactly how to position themselves directly in the center when the doors part so they also make it difficult for anyone to get through, like a good linebacker would. I try to gently coerce these people into changing their behavior by using terms like “Moron,” and “Move!” But that is all relative to their height and size in comparison to my one hundred and fifty pound, five foot seven inch frame.
The Mack Trucker
This is my current favorite. You’re walking along and someone comes out of a store and they don’t pay any attention to you, they simply pull out in front and inevitably walk at the pace of a three year old. They are usually in a number greater than one so you’re stopped dead. It’s just like a large truck pulling out in front of you knowing full well you have no course of action other than to stop.
I may sound like a bitter old curmudgeon but I’m really not. It’s the definition of this blog—I’m amazed at how people can act because it often goes against the core beliefs and common sense that were instilled in me, but at the same time I’m amused at how different we can be and how crazed I can get over the simplest things. The more I learn to laugh the better off I’ll be. And I’ll pass it on.
Weekly random thoughts. Since I’m self-employed it’s my version of water cooler talk: no one to talk to so it goes out to cyberspace.
I’ll bet porcupines just want to be loved.
If there was ever a need for an example of life in an inanimate object just look at the pistachio and it’s reluctance to be eaten.
I’ll bet collard greens are very jealous of kale getting all the attention and people thinking that kale is a “new” vegetable while they’re old-fashioned cooking.
Just think of all the freshmen starting college, finding out what they want to do with their life with wide-eyed enthusiasm, no idea just what a mountain of debt will feel like five years from now.
Chickens must absolutely freak out if they ever saw one of their babies colored.
I wonder if shoelaces “feel it” when you tie a double knot?
I wonder if bugs wish there was human repellant?
I’ll bet fire hydrants are bitter, people are always taking, never giving.
I wonder if it was predestined when they called the decision makers of a company the “board” that we have such corporate machines that are stiff and inflexible.
Sorry, I have to take the lazy way out today, but for anyone like me that doesn’t have television, you might have missed this and for all that read my blog about him, it’s done by a guy who knows, Billy Crystal.