Revisiting the Twelve Days of Christmas


The Twelve Days of Christmas was written in 1780 and it’s possible that it could use an overhaul.

Partridge in a Pear Tree

Really? I think we have to start with day one because I just think that PETA would have a problem with this and you might not want to risk ruining your true love’s Christmas if it turns out she’s an animal activist or just became a vegetarian.

2 Turtle Doves

Really, two? Do you know that if you have a male and a female you could have more in no time, and take it from a magician, those crazy birds are just clean pigeons. They’re dirty and they coo endlessly at night and lose their feathers like a drunk tosses his empties, so think about the mess and noise.

3 French Hens

You know, relations with other countries is very touchy right now, so I think I’d go American.

4 Calling Birds

Easy. Angry Birds is not only more practical and longer lasting, you can play together.

5 Golden Rings

What the hell kind of bling were women wearing back then? Even Beyone said put “a” ring on it.

6 Geese a Laying

Ok how in the world is Goose poop romantic? I think this was the half way point and the writer hit a block. Let’s just put in a teddy bear.

7 Swans a Swimming

See number 6 and then take her to some amusement park that has swan shaped boats, or just go ride the Dumbo ride.

8 Maids a Milking

Again, like the partridge I don’t think this is very ‘politically correct’ what with concerns over both lactose intolerance and women underpaid in the workforce. Soy or Almond milk might be a better option.

9 Ladies Dancing

What is this, a flash mob? If anything sign up for tango lessons. Not only will she find this more romantic, but you stand a better change of getting some than if you’re caught looking at nine ladies dancing, especially if they twerk.

10 Lords a Leaping

Ok, I’m sorry but I’m just reading this as homophobic. Just go horseback riding or take one of those carriage rides and get drunk in the back.

11 Pipers Piping-12 Drummers Drumming

and for God’s sake just take along an iPod and one of those bluetooth speakers.

There, I just saved you about a million dollars at today’s prices. You can send me a $1000 broker’s fee to the address on the contact page. Merry Christmas.










and a Partridge in a Pear Tree