“Hello, good morning everyone, for those of you that are new I’m Judas. I know, I don’t look like the paintings, I wasn’t always portrayed in a very flattering light, and well, maybe deservedly so. Ok, so, my main job is heading up the relief team for this two week period surrounding the holidays.
“Having gone through what I went through and been forgiven, I’ve got a soft spot for lost souls. And the holidays bring out the loneliness in the single folks. Now, of course we can not be seen, but our presence will be felt. Most importantly, we can facilitate.
“So let’s go down the list. One, bring plenty of kleenex. It’s easy to sneak those just within reach. Two, we need to make sure that the wine is also within reach, except-and this is big-it needs to be set on the edge of tables when it’s time to quit and we’re there-again to facilitate-it getting knocked over so the individual can’t drink too much.
“And third, and perhaps related to number two, watch the calls and texting. Especially coming up this Tuesday, we are allowed to tamper with technology and data connections just a bit. Believe me when I say this, we don’t want to start the new year off with a lot of regret so let’s keep the people from calling their exes or people they are pining for but don’t feel the same way.
Ok, I think that’s all. Please, I can’t stress this enough, don’t make the decisions for them. Let them feel, let them be lonely, but don’t let them hurt themselves. Be careful out there.”