Hi…God here


I’m sorry, I don’t know how to use this thing. I think John Bonham and Buddy Rich used it last playing drums.

Hey everybody, it’s God. Yep, the God.  I don’t do this often but I thought we could have a sunset chat. I know you might be thinking this is an impostor, and I could mess up the weather real quick to prove it, but you all have been doing that too good as of late. Suffice to say wherever you go you won’t escape this announcement and let’s move on.

So sometimes the boss has to bear responsibility for his employees. I saw the big news in Chicago about new information of—well, putting it mildly—inappropriate behavior, of some of the priests, that wasn’t reported fully. Ok, so I just need to make it clear. That is not the Word of God. Ok. I am the boss, but I am not responsible for what my employees do in their off hours. Which, I know, as I say it is not completely true because they did it with altar boys.

This is just another thing where people forget that no matter where they are in the company, they reflect everyone. They make Catholics look bad, they make the church look bad, they make me look bad. I gave you free will, I’m not really responsible, but c’mon fellas. Really, though, this is not about me. I just thought maybe this was a teaching moment that couldn’t be passed up. Everything you do does impact everyone else —so boys pull your pants up, girls leave your pants on, and please, clergy, keep it in your pants.

Wow, I am babbling. I don’t know what I’m saying, I’m still tired from the Creation and I’m missing Jeopardy. Here’s the thing folks, I have faith in you. Always did. So start thinking about how what you do affects everyone else, start taking responsibility for all your actions. And act like human beings for Christ’s sake.

Ohhh boy, he’s not gonna like that. He’s still mad at me for having to die for everyone’s sins.

Hell Hath…It’s Up To You


I don’t know if I believe in heaven and hell, I’m still trying to figure out if I believe in Peter Pan.* But I do know that the devil in me has nasty thoughts some times and one such thought is based on things that people do that I find irritating, as do many. When judgement day came, their hell would be very specific.

People that don’t pick up their dog’s waste…

Are eternally stepping in poop and can never scrape it off.

All reality TV stars, in say, the vein of The Kardashians or The Housewives…

Have to listen to everyone’s problems and can’t say a thing, not even “I know what you mean.”

People who wear track suits as designer wear…

Have to exercise and eat healthy for eternity. And we know everyone else is expecting the exact opposite.

People who are always standing in the middle of the aisle looking at things, irrelevant of who needs to pass…

Are always being bumped into. And no one ever says excuse me.

All grandmother who say “You never call” when it’s not true…

Never stop being called.

For people that pose with the “rock and roll” hand symbol with first finger and pinkie extended and the rest closed, in photographs…

Every being they ever encounter in the after-life does that to them. Even the fish find a way.

And they never stop.

People who ask “is it hot enough for you?”…

Well they’re screwed.

*For those too young to remember, this was from a commercial for Peter Pan peanut butter where the little kid said “I believe in Peter Pan.”