Pigeons Poop No More


I’ve solved the problem that has been plaguing man for centuries, that of stepping in, or getting directly dropped on by, pigeon poop.

Now the picture included will tell you that this won’t be limited to just those, to be kind, unattractive birds. The issue really comes down to the reason that the birds are even in our major cities, and that’s food.
The answer — helicopters. Maybe it’s just Los Angeles and they’re filming aerial shots for television and movies, but I think there’s also traffic copters and they can do double duty by dropping food for the birds to munch.  They’re never in a hurry, they can take the extra time. Then the birds can just drop their poop in the ocean or on the highways. We have, after all, already invented the automatic car wash and we do need to live harmoniously with nature.
Now here’s the real genius — gourmet drops. The birds come to feed because they know humans are a) sloppy and will leave or drop food b) they know there’s a lot of lonely humans with extra white bread and c) they like pooping on us. But now we’ll drop little bundles (environmentally friendly) that they can snack on. They’ll be attached to the parachutes like the little plastic army men and the birds will have their own al fresco dining experience.
You see, they like pooping on us because we don’t live harmoniously with them. We drive our cars, we ride our bicycles and make them move when they don’t want to move while they try to pick up our scraps. So if we provide them with superior quality, dropped in their native habitat, the sky, we will show that we know how to live together and provide for  the cycle of nature.
I know, genius. Now what to do for the mice?

It’s So Hot



Yesterday it reached 93 degrees in Southern California. It’s been very cool (for here) in the 60s for most of the Winter and early Spring. So what did folks do? Complain.

We’re never happy. It’s always too cold or too hot, depending on where you live and what time of year. I’ll admit I chose to move here because I don’t like the cold, but i really didn’t think it was too hot yesterday.

Is it only us humans that complain because we can, or because we can’t hear the animals. Are the squirrels speaking in their squirrel language. “You know, a little bit more of a warning, a little more gradual change and the shedding would have occurred. And what about my nuts, I have not moved them from the Winter storage to the Summer unit.”

Are the fish complaining in their fish language. “Um, hello, me likes a sauna just like any other bluegill but a little warning and I could have chosen to move to a cooler spot.”

Are the birds complaining in their bird language. “I just flew in from Duluth and boy are my arms tired.”

ED: Sorry, wrong blog excerpt. Correct one to follow.

Are the birds complaining in their bird language. “If the weather would have been more predictable I would have just made the quick jaunt to Duluth instead of Winnipeg. I’m soaked.”

I think not. Because they adapt. They just groove with nature. Nope, it’s only us that are unsatisfied and stinky and sweaty. We don’t think about having water and cool foods instead of McDonald’s. Maybe it’s because it makes us feel connected-when we say it’s so hot we’re guaranteed to get some one to agree.

Birds Are Just Plain Rude

I can really understand that animals are basically not that fond of humans, seeing as we don’t really work with them in the whole eco-system. But what is with birds, they really seemed to be PO’ed?

We don’t really occupy the same spaces considering they’re flying most often. And I just don’t think their brains are big enough to figure out we are the ones responsible for airplanes, yet they instead on taking a dump on us as often as possible. Is that their version of hunting?

You know, dogs like to sniff around and find the sweet spot, cats like to bury their stuff, but not birds. They want to spread it around like they’re making a Jackson Pollack painting, getting it all colorful and splattered as wide as possible.

And then there’s pigeons. Pigeons are like little Italian guys who after a few drinks think they’re tougher than their size will produce. Pigeons will wait until the very last second to get out of your way, turning and looking at you and I presume flipping you off, you just can’t see it.

Here in Long Beach you see more seagulls than pigeons like I ran into in Chicago. But here’s a fact: seagulls are just well dressed pigeons. They’re like the guy who thinks he’s classier when he wears a tuxedo even though he still farts and doesn’t say excuse me. Seagulls don’t flip you off, they just look at you and then turn their heads away with a superior flair. But they do not have a sophisticated palate, they will eat the same trash the pigeons will, just slower.

I don’t get why birds take our human existence as such an insult. I don’t know if it’s passed down from generation to generation, I just always know to look up if you happen to catch a bird in flight in your sight. Cause they’re aiming for you.