Water Cooler Talk I

Being self-employed I don’t enjoy the chit-chat that happens at the water cooler. So as I refill my glass from the Brita, I put my random ¬†thoughts out to you.
My seventh grade social studies teacher, while instructing us in the ways of the branches of government, told us that government was “by the people, for the people.” Oops.
Why do the people walking with other people, who are wearing ear or headphones, stand for it?
I just passed a Chinese food take-out that was open at 7:00am. You’re gonna be hungry in an hour, then how are you going to do your job? A donut would have lasted a lot longer.
If Sponge Bob Square Pants lives in the ocean he would absorb it all, so how come he doesn’t look like he took a dump in his shorts?
NOTE TO DRIVERS: That big, thick white line that comes before the stop sign is where you stop first, not pull over it ready to gun the engine like NASCAR.
If the Internet is wireless, why do we have to have things plugged in?
Note to cell phone manufacturers: you need to make them big again because people can’t be heard with the mouthpiece so far away now. Poor folks have to yell when they’re on the bus or in the grocery store.
So I just saw a video on CNN where the bride sang as she walked down the aisle and there was that cool one with the dance sequence. When is someone going to shove their hand up their groom’s behind and do a ventriloquism act?
The child obesity level is very high now and I’m hoping doctors have changed. Mine said my weight was fine as a pre-teen and that I would grow out of it, which led me to a life as a chubby teen with no girlfriends. But that guy was pushing 300 lbs. and smoked in the exam room. Let’s hope that only happens on Mad Men now.
I think bills should take a month or two off, then we’d appreciate them more.

The Loneliness of the Brita

Loneliness of the Brita

I have been self-employed nearly all my adult life. For the most part, it’s wonderful, but there is that missing element: water-cooler kibitzing (or gossip.) It’s just not the same around the Brita in the kitchen. I already know that I saw last night’s Mad Men, and no, my God, I can’t believe that Don Draper did that. I already know the boss is an a$$ and isn’t fooling anyone by saying he’s really going to swear off junk food this time. I already know Jeff thinks the girl in the cubicle (apartment) next to him is hot and yes, he is way too old for her and she’s just being nice.

So what is a self-employed performer and writer to do. Well, blog. This way I can say what’s on my mind and maybe soon people will ¬†start commenting and I’ll have someone to talk to.

How are you? Really, well you look great! No that dress does not make you look fat but yeah, dude, you should hit the gym.

Ok here’s what’s on my mind:

I think that when someone throws a cigarette out their car window it should fly back in and burn them. Just an “ouch” so they won’t do it again. You made the choice to smoke and, um, there’s an ASHTRAY in there.

I believe that if you continuously wear sunglasses inside when it’s unnecessary something will eventually happen to your eyes to cause long-term damage. So stop it. I say that for your health.

Musician and magician are only different by two letters. But one gets the girls and the other doesn’t. I better just accept that or take up the guitar.

I don’t have a car right now and have to take public transportation for the first time in many years. Just a quick note to riders because I believe it’s good advice: if you’re overweight you should just go ahead and walk those couple of blocks instead of waiting for the bus.

The 1% doesn’t really care that you’re mad. They can afford security.

I think all the women in Los Angeles that carry their dogs around in their purses should have to get in there sometime and be carried around. Might be me, but I don’t think it’s comfortable for (wo)man or beast.

Ok it is both scary and cute when they do pop out of the purses like a little puppet show. I expect them to jump out and run to pull the curtain back on the Wizard.

My grandmother once told me I was going to be famous in ten years, she could feel it. She was also drunk.

I lived through the 80’s and never once go to “Wang Chung” tonight. That bums me out.

I think the word “poop” is hysterical. Every time. Poop.