I’m Ok Getting Old

old-man

In my 20s I was a fanatic about knowing all the latest bands and hit singles, as well as information about them. But that was long before social media and trends and memes-which it turns out is not the name of a band. I’m so happy I don’t have to keep up.

There was a joke in some show about grinder. As it processed through my brain I realized it probably wasn’t a reference to coffee brewing or the people that can’t control their teeth at night. So I took to the Interwebs (as us old folks call it) and found Grindr to be an app that helps gay and bi-sexual people find friends. Hmm. That’s interesting.  How nice for them.

How nice that they have a specialty app and how nice that there’s a specialty app for tall people to find love, but they might want to wait for the new bigger iPhone. But man am I glad that I don’t care. It must be so hard to keep up with everything that now changes so fast.

Oh my God, it’s like Facebook was popular but that’s so not now, it’s Instagram this week and who knows what next week. And you have to keep up with who to follow and why, although the latter doesn’t seem that important anymore. It seems exhausting to have to look at so many websites and RSS feeds and social media apps in order to stay abreast of what’s going on and look cool in front of your friends. I mean, ultimately that’s why I tried to learn everything about bands and music. Because that’s when you could impress some girl at a record store or a concert. I wonder how you could possibly get someone’s attention now. You would have to be simultaneously podcasting, taking video, blogging and posting all at the same time. No wonder our education system just keeps going down, how can kids possibly ever do school work?

Phew. I’m just happy I’m at the point where I don’t care if someone expects me to know something. I just want to read about the things I’m interested in and write my little blog and novel. And listen to the music that I used to be so obsessed over.

 

Actually I still love new music. This is my current favorite.

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Et Tu Mr. P?

mr peanut

My childhood took a big hit when they made a live version of How The Grinch Stole Christmas. Then they did the same thing with Speed Racer. But now I don’t know if I can take it a third time—they’re messing with Mr. Peanut.

I didn’t care for the live version of the Grinch but I could understand it. I figured Ron Howard is a fan and wanted to do something with his beloved childhood memory. The technology and make up had come a long way and Jim Carrey was a very logical choice. I could even see, and I think it’s fairly well received, that kids who didn’t grow up watching the animated version would become attached to the new one. But still I didn’t think it had the charm, and come on, it didn’t have Boris Karloff doing the narration!

Then the Wachowski Brothers, the same boys behind the Matrix—sorry, correct that now one boy and one girl—were going to make Speed Racer. And the Mach 5 looked cool. And it was so amazing that the guys behind Neo, one of the coolest heroes, could make such a bad movie. Oh man, so bad. So very very bad.  Spritle and Chim Chim were now so tarnished, heads drooped low in shame.

And now Mr. Peanut. Unlike the other two, I really don’t know why. The Mr. Peanut that I knew was just a classy little legume. He simply tipped his hat and smiled. That’s all. But the new one, and I really love Bill Hader, is, well I don’t think it knows what it is. When I saw Mr. Peanut  I would have given him an English accent—or at least a pompous one. But this sounds like a combination of a white kid from the suburbs who grew up and in his 30s still wanted to sound like an african-american rapper. Oh and that combined with Tony Robbins if the most recent commercial is viewed where the tiny Peanut is on the stage in front of thousands of people extolling the power of the peanut like Eckhart Tolle.

The questions is why? If you want to remake the symbol why not remake him so he sounds like his voice. Give him a tank top and high tops instead of spats and a monocle. If you think the classic image doesn’t work anymore then ditch it? But seriously what are the people that run Planter’s thinking?

The only thing I can think of, and this really is unfortunate, is that over the last thirty years kids developed peanut allergies. When I was in school no one, I mean no one, was allergic to peanuts. But in my career as a professional magician, I would see at least one kid at every birthday party and the number grew as the years went by. With no real explanation as to how this virus or epidemic or freak of nature started.

So this probably flabbergasted the peanut people and they’ve been drunk for the last decade or so. Or just have gone a little kookoo trying to figure it all out. That’s the only reason I can come up with to take the classic, sophisticated Mr. Peanut and make him into a cross between pimpled out Thurston Howell III and Jerry Falwell.

The Power of the Peanut. Whaaaaaat?

 

I Don’t Like Mondays

Mondays usually don’t mean anything to me as part of the self-employed union. There is no weekend, there is no work week. But I woke up, fell back to sleep, and woke up cranky. So here goes, the cranky comedy. I promise it’s only temporary, a single day lapse. But I gotta get it out.

I hate little freakin yapping dogs. I want to kick them and see how far they can fly.

Why is everyone in Walmart so freakin fat and so freakin stupid? What is it about that store? Is it the little Rollover Price Guy? Does something hypnotize them to come and walk slowly through the store, unable to understand that there are others in the aisles and therefore they can’t push the cart that slow and so in the middle no one can pass, and then lure them straight to the Little Debbie’s aisle?

Why are so many white dudes (and I use that term loosely because they really aren’t) trying to look like Vanilla Ice and Eminem circa 1990 something? It was a dumb look then, it’s even dumber now. Get a mirror, turn the ball cap either all the way backwards or turn it the right way.

While I’m on men’s fashions, wearing long basketball shorts with slippers should only be worn by real basketball players in their freakin expensive homes. If you picked it up on MTV cribs or whatever (I’m old I don’t know) it’s not for outside. You just look really lazy and this country doesn’t need any more lazy.

What is with the cigarette behind the ear thing happening again? Will those same people soon be rolling them into their t-shirt sleeves and doing the greased pompadour thing? It came back when I was in high school and even at fifteen I knew it only looked cool in the 50s when everything was in black and white.

I don’t care if you have a Mercedes or a BMW. You didn’t pay for the right to drive like a moron. I like my life and I don’t want to have to watch you and whether you’re looking both ways and seeing that I have the walk signal. I swear I will take you for everything if you so much as touch my shoe.

Mitt Romney, President Obama, SHUT UP! Intelligent men of your age should not be so childish to attack each other. F&*k the Presidential debate, why don’t you two just meet at the damn flag after school and see who can kick each other’s ass. It’s ridiculous, it’s infantile and it needs to be over. Been going on for decades where because of the media we see this rhetoric. Neither of you deserves the job if you can’t show the maturity and growth this country needs so badly. We need peace in this country and this world and it starts with you. F&*k trickle down economics, we need trickle down style, class and coolness. I’m voting for you Mr. President, but the Hope and Change this time needs to be about how we act, how we all act, and you are the role model.

 

I feel better. Thank you. Tomorrow we return to our regularly scheduled program when I’m not bitter.