Essential December 23 Questions


Can you undo all the naughty with something really nice?

Do home-made cookies make Santa more generous than store bought?

How about a little something in Santa’s milk?

How stuffed should a stocking be, can you use packing material on the bottom?

Shoveling your roof has got to help, right, I mean those boots look slippery?




Jesus Christ: Two Time Loser?


I mean no blasphemy whatsoever, I am a big fan of Jesus Christ’s teachings. I just started to think about Christmas and the celebration of Jesus’ birth which most concede was not December 25— that guy could not catch a break!

He is the original looked over child. Researchers disagree on the actual birth date, but all evidence of my investigation (one page of Goole links) proves that they all agree it wasn’t what we now consider Christmas and he was just lumped into the winter solstice and Saturnalia festival. Wow! I know kids are mad at their parents when they get gipped out of gifts because their birthday falls too close to Christmas, but this guy’s dad let them change the date so it was more convenient.

Ouch. That’s gotta hurt. And now that we mention hurt, he had to go through that whole cross thing and then this? I mean, if they needed to change the date to accommodate something, or they just thought snow was pretty, then fine. But come up with a special date for the guy, don’t lump it in with another holiday. Heck we give kids stuff because they lose a tooth, I would think he could get his own day for dying for our sins.

And think about it, not even in Heaven does he get the attention he deserves. If the movie It’s a Wonderful Life or A Christmas Carol is to be believed, all the rest of the angels are busy doing angel stuff, rescuing lost souls and trying to right mean people. And come on, if the whole Santa Claus thing is mapped out, I think there’s a lot of divine intervention involved in making that whole toy delivery system happen.

And there’s Jesus, probably sitting in his room in an IKEA version of the manger with too many lights on it. Doodling pictures of God with a slash through him and writing things like “The Almighty doesn’t love me” and “Never mind forsaken, how about forgotten?” Or maybe just playing with a yo-yo because he believes in simple things.

We need to think of him, what he stood for, and not all the trappings. The guy had some good ideas, he deserves our respect and attention.




Revisiting the Twelve Days of Christmas


The Twelve Days of Christmas was written in 1780 and it’s possible that it could use an overhaul.

Partridge in a Pear Tree

Really? I think we have to start with day one because I just think that PETA would have a problem with this and you might not want to risk ruining your true love’s Christmas if it turns out she’s an animal activist or just became a vegetarian.

2 Turtle Doves

Really, two? Do you know that if you have a male and a female you could have more in no time, and take it from a magician, those crazy birds are just clean pigeons. They’re dirty and they coo endlessly at night and lose their feathers like a drunk tosses his empties, so think about the mess and noise.

3 French Hens

You know, relations with other countries is very touchy right now, so I think I’d go American.

4 Calling Birds

Easy. Angry Birds is not only more practical and longer lasting, you can play together.

5 Golden Rings

What the hell kind of bling were women wearing back then? Even Beyone said put “a” ring on it.

6 Geese a Laying

Ok how in the world is Goose poop romantic? I think this was the half way point and the writer hit a block. Let’s just put in a teddy bear.

7 Swans a Swimming

See number 6 and then take her to some amusement park that has swan shaped boats, or just go ride the Dumbo ride.

8 Maids a Milking

Again, like the partridge I don’t think this is very ‘politically correct’ what with concerns over both lactose intolerance and women underpaid in the workforce. Soy or Almond milk might be a better option.

9 Ladies Dancing

What is this, a flash mob? If anything sign up for tango lessons. Not only will she find this more romantic, but you stand a better change of getting some than if you’re caught looking at nine ladies dancing, especially if they twerk.

10 Lords a Leaping

Ok, I’m sorry but I’m just reading this as homophobic. Just go horseback riding or take one of those carriage rides and get drunk in the back.

11 Pipers Piping-12 Drummers Drumming

and for God’s sake just take along an iPod and one of those bluetooth speakers.

There, I just saved you about a million dollars at today’s prices. You can send me a $1000 broker’s fee to the address on the contact page. Merry Christmas.










and a Partridge in a Pear Tree