The Wrong Drug is Illegal



Just got back from a mile walk and I was nearly hit by four drivers crossing the street. One old man in a black cadillac yelled at me to “pick it up” because I wasn’t crossing the street fast enough for his needs. I used Woody Allen’s old stand-up joke. I told him to “be fruitful and multiply, but not in those exact words.” Another  (#1) was inching impatiently for me to cross so she could turn right on red and the driver across from her (#2) started honking because the woman (#1) was not turning and the driver (#2) failed to notice me trying to cross the street in one piece. Then the driver (#3) behind the original driver (#1) started honking because #1 was still waiting for me and then I crossed the street and yelled at the driver (#3) to shut up and then he started yelling at me instead of moving but his windows were rolled up so I couldn’t hear what he said and then another driver (#4) came up behind him and started honking which was ironic because the guy (#3) hadn’t moved and now was being honked at and he was the original honker.


So what is it? Then I looked down at my hand and saw the coffee cup. I remember in high school we were told that coffee was a drug and we all laughed because every adult we knew drank it. We also knew that adults were cranky and crabby but we never connected the two because the teacher went on to describe all the bad drugs.

But it occurs to me that with all the attempts to legalize marijuana maybe we’ve got the wrong drugs legal and illegal. They both grow in the same types of areas and climates, yet seem to have very different effects. What would this morning have been like if, instead of coffee, the drivers would have had a cup of tea brewed with marijuana.

I’m thinking the old man would have said “Top of the Morning” to me…because he looked Irish. The woman who was very impatiently waiting for me to cross so she could turn right might have said “Wow I like your blue t-shirt, it’s really bright, it’s like the sky” and then the guy who was waiting for her would have noticed me walking and also noticed the Dunkin Donuts cup in my hand and said “Oh man, do they have the chocolate chip muffins this morning, they are soooo good.” And then instead of all of them honking at each other, they could have all pulled over and we could have just sat on the grass and talked.

Now one might argue that people are just in a hurry to get to work at this early hour. Well that’s going to completely change if marijuana is also served at the office. The employee runs in and the boss will say “whoa, whoa, what’s your hurry? We’ve got plenty of time to get to the work. Sit down, how’s the family?” Everybody will be much more interested in the little, beautiful things of every one’s lives.

Slow down, you’re moving too fast. At the very least, maybe everyone should switch to tea. Tea drinkers seem to be a lot more mellow.


I Love Sturkybooboo, I’m never leaving


It always seemed to me that Starbucks was not the kind of place you hung out all day. I often would spend time there when there was a big gap between shows, reading or people watching (read:looking at girls) and get a little snippy-to myself-about people that were there working for hours and not buying anything.

But visiting my folks I went to the Starbuck’s in Schaumburg, Illinois, and here, they serve wine and beer after 4:00. This one is already busy, very large, and filled with meetings and laptops and even has a couple of private rooms and outdoor seating. But I can only imagine the party that gets started when the laptops are shut and the last “I think we should…” Is spoken.

This is perfect. You’ve got your morning coffee, meeting, lunch with co-workers, AND happy hour, all in one place! Finally the baristas will get tipped what they deserve-because pouring a glass of wine takes much more skill than getting an espresso drink right-well to a drunk anyways. No more vanilla shots, when are they gonna get Kahlua? This is truly a return to Mad Men days-I’m thinking that 4:00 can keep getting pushed earlier until red eyes are the norm. They’ll just need a deep fryer because Starbucks is very attentive to the needs of the customer so they’re going to need some greasy foods.

In one 24 hour period you can have a top CEO make a million dollar deal over a half decaf soy latte, celebrate with his team and buying everybody drinks them only to have to apologize for any inappropriate things he might have said the next day, when they start all over again.

Do they do this at the Starbucks in hotels because you’d never have to leave. “I love this place and I love the barista and I love the guy who’s dusting the shelves and I love-oh, you’re not a person, you’re just a travel mug-oh what the heck I love you too.”

The Starbucks Sizing

Seriously this is a tall? I never order one but I was getting on a train and it will be more than a hour before I’m at the bathroom.


I remember when Starbucks had “short.” It was basically just the size for to-go espresso shots. I think there was short, medium and tall. Somebody will probably correct me. That was probably because they just just started to expand so the folks that started the company were sinking all the profits into stretching across the country. Eventually it would become the phenomenon it is, they’d have money to travel to Europe and decide they needed to use more Italian names like grande and venti. The only logic I can see to leaving this little s&@t called tall is that a lot of Italian guys are shorter but think they’re bigger when they drink. Well I heard that somewhere anyway.

So back to the tall. It’s teeny. It’s a half-caf so it’s not about the noon pick-me up, just don’t see the point. And because I have a cold so I’m a little cranky I’ll just go ahead and say it:

I paid over three dollars for this? In my day…

The Facts Are These: I’m Broke

I’m broke for the first time in my adult life. I started working when I was 16 and had good jobs then made a living as a professional comedian/magician for 25 years; I was very fortunate. I’m not going to complain, everybody’s broke and I have some amazing parents that have really helped.

But I want to tell you the funny stuff.

Yesterday I dug my coffee cup out of the garbage at the laundromat. Very carefully wiped any lint or dryer sheet residue. Fortunately it was on the top. You see, 7-11 refills are half the amount, so I work that cup until the paper is bent and won’t hold the lid. Absurd, I know, cause that’s when it spills out between the lid and the disintegrating cup and then I have to do more laundry. Which costs money.

Did you know that Starbuck’s is really expensive? I can get vegetables to make enough juice for three days for the price of a soy latte. But, I am a fancy pants, so I would never just get the drip. Well I used to be a fancy pants when I never thought twice about how much it cost, now I resort to the aforementioned 7-11 four coffees for the price of two.

Did you know that grocery stores have things on sale all the time? I didn’t. Again, never paid attention. Just went straight for the brands I liked, and being raised on colorful characters and packaging, it was about looks for me. No longer, generic is the way to go! Turns out it’s the same thing inside, it’s just the ugly stepsister outside.

I get inordinately upset with the homeless, because I, in fact, can’t spare any change.

Did you know that pennies and nickels can be used to buy stuff? I used to always collect them until I had a big jar full. I didn’t realize they could be used on a daily basis.

I’m too old to sell sperm. Man.

Jack in the Box tacos are 2 for 99 cents! I’m little, that’s a whole meal. And in my current economic status, a real treat. They used to have a jingle that said “take life a little easier” and sometimes they just make it so.

The Breakfast of Champions

Wheaties originated the phrase “Breakfast of Champions” back in 1927 and it is an iconic tagline that was punctuated by its endorsements by athletes. From your blogger’s comedic perspective, I’m wondering what today’s breakfast should be called.

Now there were rumors that Babe Ruth, who was a big endorser for Wheaties, had beer and rye for breakfast and was still able to perform like a champion. But if you look at the modern American diet how are we performing?

Of course when we were kids, our breakfast consisted of a bowl of sugar in the shape of, let’s see: crowns (Captain Crunch), flying saucers (Quisp),  and four leaf clovers (Lucky Charms); among others that charmed our palettes. It really wasn’t about the cereal, it was about the box and the character. Count Dracula and Frankenberry were way cooler than  the nutrition information panel they’re now required to put on there. And man did those cereals perform! We rode our bikes, played baseball, had dirt fights, fished for crayfish in the creek, and hid and seeked…and that was before school.

Maybe the reason we took naps in kindergarten was because we were all simultaneously crashing from the sugar high.

So I started considering this blog as I stood in line with my coffee at 7-11. I really  can’t handle that much caffeine anymore, so my cup is filled 7/8 with decaf. ( to think at one time I could have two Venti lattes and two double espressos.) And I’m standing in line with people holding their cups in one hand and a packaged or “fresh” pastry in the other. Caffeine and sugar. And I think of all the people I see lined up at McDonalds or enjoying a Grand Slam breakfast (don’t think the athletes endorse this one) and here are my slogan ideas:

Breakfast: Hey, You Got Two Good Hours In

Breakfast of the Obese: Hey We’re At 35%, Come On America We Can Hit 75% by 2014

Breakfast of the Couch: Where Else Did You Think You Were Going After All of That?

Breakfast of the Buzzed: I Can Do Anything You Can Do Faster

Breakfast of the Given Up:  These Taste Good, Heck with the Diet

But why am I even teasing? Eating a nutritious, healthy breakfast would mean that you had the energy to real do something, and then no excuses not to achieve your goals. A donut and a nap sounds a lot easier.