An Introduction to Walking

Uncle_Sam_walking

 

Having spent the last two years as a pedestrian, I can tell you something unequivocally…people don’t know how to walk. But then I thought, “they don’t know how to walk.” We’re given driving instruction but not walking instruction. So I present Jeffery’s Rules of the Pavement.

  1. Walk on the right* Simple really. We drive on the right in this country, let’s just keep the same traffic pattern on the sidewalk. Now I know there are exceptions, in fact, the driver’s ed book I had as a teen said that when there is no sidewalk you should continue to ride your bicycle on the right but walk on the left to see traffic and allow them to see you. Keep that. Drivers love to wave that they see you as you’re starting to cross the street but still go in front of you. Being alive is good.
  2. Watch when crossing Ok, now this is a timing thing. If you cross in the path of someone, decide when you might crash into each other and then speed up or slow down as to avoid smashing into each other and falling onto your butts in a slapstick fashion. This means that you might have to yield to the other individual because it would be stupid rude to simply walk in front of someone because you can’t be bothered and you’re busy on your phone.
  3. Four across If you are over the age of fourteen don’t all take up the entire sidewalk. You are not in the halls of high school displaying dominance. Move over, or better yet, walk two and two so that the oncoming pedestrian does not have to veer off into the dog poop.
  4. Hand in hand This follows number 3 that if you are a couple who is walking together side by side, in blissful love, adjust for oncoming traffic. Let her hand go for a sec you henpecked wuss.
  5. Flow of traffic Just because it is eight am or six pm, it doesn’t mean that everyone is going one way because they’re coming from or going to work. Allow others to get to the train platform. Thank you.
  6. Bells and Whistles If you ride a bicycle on the sidewalk and ring a bell indicating pedestrians should move out of your way, let me point out that the gun laws have not changed yet.

 

I think that about covers it. It is a fault of mine that I am born with a logical brain but I think that things need to be less stressful and move easier in this country, so please give these rules a read. There will be a test. Have a nice weekend.

*European readers may want to change that to the left.

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I’m a D**k

I went to Best Buy today and I think I gave the “sales associate” a little more attitude than necessary. But I’ll tell you why in a second. At first the guy seemed cool. I was looking at the new Macbook Pro and he just sort of stepped in front to give a demo, explaining what he was doing even though I told him in the first minute that I’m on my 7th Mac. He may have had some hearing problems because he had these green things imbedded into his earlobes. It’s called gauging and I don’t know if it’s to help with or treat hearing loss, I only know that it looks really frickin’ weird when they’re not in and there’s a whole in the ear lobe. (I know it’s got nothing to do with hearing loss, I think it’s kooky)

So after the demo, which was impressive not because of him but because Apple has done it once again (( attention any promotion people, please leave a comment and I’ll send my complete address because I’m sure that no other blogger is looking to trade promotion for a brand new shiny laptop with a kick-a$$ retina display and thinner than a California Pizza Kitchen’s Pizza (attention any California Pizza Kitchen promotion people, I love your pizza and there’s one here in Long Beach so please leave a comment and I’ll send you my address for those coupons))). Oh wait, I was in the middle of a sentence…

So after the demo, I told him I was here for a printer and did he know about them too. Now he had a button or a sticker on his collar that read Geek Squad, and he wasn’t wearing one of those AWESOME blue polo shirts (or yellow) that identify the sales people (attention any Best Buy promotions people, I do not want one of those shirts so please don’t leave a comment) so he could have been a repair guy who just happened to be on the sales floor. But here’s my thing: if you can’t sell, if you’re not good on the sales floor, STAY IN THE BACK where the lighting will hep your pale complexion and you can eat junk food all day because no one will see your acne.

So here’ s the d**k part. I get real aggravated when people can’t do their job. I have a father that taught me manners when I was very young (there’s your Father’s Day card Dad, hope you like it) and I started working when I was 16 at a Speedway gas station/convenience mart in beautiful Schaumburg, Illinois. Somehow, whether it’s in my genes or training, I was good from the very beginning: I knew how to greet people, how to say thank you, would remember what cigarettes they bought and pull them out before they asked for them. But you know what I figured out on my own? When I did my job better it made my life easier. When someone came in ready to bitch to a high school student about the gas prices (which were in the 60 cent range in 1979, when we walked ten miles in the snow to school) and I had their cigarettes out or I greeted them with a smile, man I just shut them down. So as this dude got worse, it just brought out all the smart-a$$ in me. You’re not going to look at me-bam. You’re going to look away from me when you’re talking-bam. Had enough yet? You’re not going to listen and answer the questions I’m asking? You’re going down son. I’ve worked with smart alleck rich kids all my life and dealt with hecklers drinking unlimited beer or wine on the dinner theater stage (I should go into that one in another blog. Noted.) — you’re a walk in the park.

I’m sorry, but you get me unsatisfied and that part of me comes out. I don’t want to say that people can blame things on genetics or the way they were raised. Look around and figure out what works in this world. I don’t want you to lose your job, I bet you’re a nice guy. I bet all your friends that you play World of Warcraft with would attest to it.

Ok, I just went too far. The dude’s probably nice. Really he was pleasant. But come on folks, this world needs common sense more than it ever did. I bet you could find some. I bet there’s even books on it at the library. I bet I could start a business where I write books about it and conduct seminars all over the country.

On second thought, keep being the way you are and Best Buy please leave a comment for me with the contact information to human resources so I can send them my promotional material for my new corporate seminars Don’t Be a D**k.