A Conversation Between Angles C

“Welcome Bernie!”

“Um, ok, hi.”

“Bernie, we’re the 100 and over club?”

“The what?”

“We all made it to 100 while we were alive. And we like to ask the newcomers how they lived so long?”

“I don’t think I did anything special.”

“Did you follow an all natural, organic diet?”

“Nope, mostly ate fast food, especially burgers.”

“Hmm, how about exercise, did you run, cycle, swim?”

“Nope, only when I played a video game.”

“Wow. Do you know what might have accounted for your longevity?”

“Just trying to avoid my wife’s cooking.”

 

 

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The Married Messiah

(Karen L. King – (C) KAREN L. KING 2012) http://www.washingtonpost.com

In case you’ve missed it, a papyrus fragment from the fourth century was discovered whose text has Jesus referring to “my wife.” When I saw this on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart they played a clip from Fox News where the commentator said “lucky lady.” Let’s examine that shall we?

You’re Going Out Again?

Sure he could fix things, one would think, but once he started preaching was he ever home again? I mean the dude probably traveled more than a CEO of a corporate conglomerate. Even if he was just “gone for the day”, he could not time his miracles nor the exact walking time so I’m sure he came home to cold leftovers and a wife that had long gone to bed. If he was indeed married, there was no way they ever had kids.

And when he was there, was he “really there?” First off, I’m thinking it was hard for her to get a word in edgewise. He not only had to regale her with the activities of the preaching but had to work on new material. And trust me I’m a comedian, when we’re thinking of new stuff we’re not really listening. Second, I’m thinking the guy was always exhausted when he did come home. Those miracles, all that walking, nobody could be in good enough shape to not just want dinner and then hit the sack.

Wouldn’t she be saying, “You’re going out again, can’t you stay home just one day?” And what about the jealousy. “Do they all have to touch you?” I just think no woman could stand her man being touched and adored by so many people.

I’m Going With You

So there is the possibility that she traveled with him. But would anyone want to camp that long? Wouldn’t you want to turn around at some point and sleep on your own hay or whatever beds were made of back then? Have a nice home cooked meal? I’m sure at that time they were still well versed in hunting and gathering and maybe people fed them, but you just don’t like everyone else’s food the way you like and get used to your own. And I’m thinking the diners just sucked!

 

Does Your Dad Always Have to Call?

Let’s face it, most of the time it’s mother-in-laws, but when your father-in-law is God, it’s a little different. He would have wanted a pre-nup, I mean he owns everything. How do you cook for a man that made the Heavens and Earth and everything on it? And I’m thinking He called with advice all the time. I mean it all was “the Word of God.”

But on the flip side, how could you not resent a man that sent His only son to die? I’d think she’d be one really pissed off widow.

 

This would have been one really tough marriage. The average marriage has kids, money, and changing interests and opinions to deal with. But this one? Phew.

 

Surviving A Studio Apartment

Living in a studio apartment can be a bit claustrophobic, especially if you have lived in bigger places before and/or are self-employed.

Here’s my Top Ten Tips For Surviving the Studio Apartment

10. Live in a climate where you can go outside  lot.

9. Have a fold out couch. Makes it feel like a bedroom at night and an office during the day.

8. Get a floral, tropical or outdoor scented fragrance. It will keep you calm and thinking of the outdoors and “openness.”

7. Make your bathroom really nice so you like taking baths and relaxing.

6. Cook a lot. The smells will help (see #8)

5. Talk on the phone a lot and pace. Since you’re busy talking you won’t notice how far you’re getting, your brain will just register the paces and give you the illusion you have room to move.

4. Read  a lot. Your imagination will put you in the setting of the story instead of your crappy little apartment.

3. TV works too.

2. Embrace your inner Lincoln. Candles keep you from seeing how small the space is.

1. Everything’s easier with alcohol. Just kidding.