The Stillness of Society

 

I was walking down the beach one day, watching all the dogs as they frolicked in their area while all the owners just stood watching, talking and snacking. It seemed that  for many it was an effort to throw a ball or a frisbee. And I got to wondering, why is it that evolution has advanced our minds and yet our bodies, not so much?

Sure we stand erect, but it’s no secret that our society is lazy and fat. That’s just a fact. But how does it come about? How can a dog be so excited about the idea…

“We’re going out? You’re kidding, where? It doesn’t matter! In fact, I’m gonna run around like crazy for a while just in celebration of this event. Be back in a minute.”

One minute later.

“So what again? Oh right, we’re going out. I call shotgun! Can we got lots of places for lots of time because I like the different temps on my nose when I stick it out of the window? And you know what else, would it be ok, if when we get to the place, or places, or whatever, can I run around some more until I’m like spent, and then rest for about a half a minute, maybe have some water—from a toilet is always nice—and then run around like a madman hopefully with other dogs and you too?  Can I?”

And then there’s us…

“What? Ahhhh. Just let me finish watching this. Where’s the remote? Can’t I just stay here and eat? And speaking of that, it’s been an hour and a half since I’ve had something fried!”

So what happens? We’re not born that way, you see little children anxious to go out, happy to frolic and excited to be alive. But it also seems to be happening at a younger age as evidenced by childhood obesity. So where’s the chink in nature’s armor? How come all other living things are naturally active, working, playing, moving about when needed—including flying and migrating to other countries and for us it’s a struggle to get out of bed? Has it just been the change of diet and sedentary lifestyle derived from modern technology or is this the natural evolution?

Or is it cats?

Yes, cats are the only ones that are content to sit around all day. Cats don’t want to be bothered. Cats are arrogant, unfriendly, dismissive and stand-offish. Cats are trying to take over the world. They’re using videos to lull us into thinking how cute they are and then we’ll act more like them.

We must stop the kitties. It’s the only way! Who’s with me?! Come on. Come on, let’s go.

Ok, move over. Wanna order a pizza?

 

 

 

What About the Bottom?

Puttin On The Glitz Dog Sweater

 

I’ve always chuckled a bit when I’ve seen dogs in sweaters, but the other day I was struck with the notion “what about the bottoms?”

Now I must clarify that when I say chuckle I mean that I laugh at dog owners who put the sweaters on. Quite often there’s something rather interesting and amusing about the owners themselves. You will rarely see a dirty tank-top, belly hanging over the shorts guy, walking a poodle with a  cardigan.

But let’s get back to the topic at hand. A great many of the dogs sporting sweaters are often of the poodle or similar canine variety, one that often has more shaving going on in the nether regions, so how about a little love for the pooch’s genitals? Nope, the bottoms are always flapping in the breeze.

And while we’re at it, why is it that the small dogs in Southern California aren’t wearing matching Ugg boots like their owners? If it’s cold enough that the girls that are wearing short skirts need them then so do their fluffer-whatter-lovee-doveee. Come on, ladies, don’t let PETA see you!

I remember when we were kids, my brother’s dog (a schnozzle) would go for his haircut and come back with bows in its ears. And we would go boy-listic on it and wail like crazy. But I think the dog knew we didn’t like it, because it was tearing the thing out before we could get to it.

So the fact remains, the dog doesn’t need it. But the dogs want attention and love. And they’ll wear the stupid sweater if it means getting kisses and hugs. Can’t say I blame ’em.

It’s Not My Dog

mangy_dog

The blog title is one of my favorite movie lines but it also reflects my attitude as a pedestrian. Attention dog owners: I do not love your dog the way that you do.

I don’t dislike dogs, I just don’t feel the need to pet yours. When I’m walking down the street, I don’t feel like I should have to veer off course because you can’t pull the leash tight enough. And no matter how much “he’s harmless,” at this point in my life I’ve had enough dogs nip at me when I was told they didn’t bite that I don’t believe you.

I like my crotch. I wish I had someone being very nice to it, and so when your dog feels the need to sniff it, and you don’t stop it, it’s like a slap in the face that that is all the action I’m getting down there. Again, they make those cool leashes where there’s an automatic stopper on there.

I would go on about how un-cute it is when a dog humps your leg when you’re a first time visitor to someone’s house where the dog obviously runs the show, but I’m not anti-dog. I know there’s a lot of dog owners and I really don’t want to start a fight. I would just really appreciate being able to walk down the street unbothered. If I want to interact your dog, I’ll do just what another dog would do-approach it and sniff its butt.

Besides, I’ve got tons of skateboarders, homeless and bicyclists that think they’re still seven and need to ride on the sidewalk.

Water Cooler Talk 8-30-12

Weekly water cooler talk for the self-employed, no one to talk to so it goes out to cyberspace. Please feel free to comment, it would be nice to talk to someone other than myself.

That a company that delivers portable toilets is called Oui Oui Enterprises makes me laugh out very loud.

Santa oversees production and the elves make toys all year, what do the reindeers do? Just play their reindeer games, the lazy sob’s?

If you keep farting, can you blow up your underwear like a balloon?

If you Journey to the Center of the Earth are there upside down fountains?

I’m surprised the dove is the symbol of peace. I had doves as a boy magician and they pooped all over the place, threw their cage fillings haphazardly and cooed all night long. Kind of the opposite of peace. Then again it was caged. But then again then again that’s how we like our peaceful people to be, quiet and contained.

 

I saw a sign that read “No Dogs Allowed During Concerts and Festivals.” Makes sense, they might touch someone inappropriately, puke up something they ate, pee where they’re not supposed to and bark too much when people are trying to listen. Humans would never do that.

Ok bear with me on this one. They have those accordion “blinds” things that you put on the inside of the front window of your car to keep the dash and interior from becoming too hot. Now in the movies “Cars” and “Cars 2” automobiles have feeling and personalities. So would they not like the tan lines?

According to wiki-answers the difference between momma and mama is “Mama is Spanish and is emphasized on the second syllable- maMA. Momma is MOMma.” I would say the difference is about 25 pounds.

Anybody watch The Republican National Convention? I didn’t figure they had anything new to say.
If fences are meant to keep people out, why is the nicer side facing out? I’d think it would make people think “I want to be in there.”

 

If I Were Mean…

Jack Russell Terror Snarling

Jack Russell Terrier Snarling — Image by © Royalty-Free/Corbis

I would stop every obese person walking into a restaurant and tell them to order a salad.

I would give every teenage boy who wears their pants too low a huge wedgie.

I would trip every guy who wore his gym shoes untied, just so he’d tie them. Especially anyone over the age of twelve.

I would take all the video games away from the baby mamas on the train and give them to their children where they belong.

I would flip off all the guys that gel their hair and make it look like it’s flipping me off, cause they’re being mean because I’m bald and can’t do that.

I would walk around the campuses of Harvard and Oxford and talk to myself out loud, ending each sentence with a preposition.

I would pretend someone was calling me and then talk really loud on my cell phone inches away from the face of the person that was doing it already.

I would poop on the shoes of the people that don’t pick up their dog’s waste.

I would stop every woman who was about to buy make-up and tell them they look more beautiful without it.

Ah, there’s the problem. I’m not mean, just think that way sometimes. I could do none of the above, although I’m going to build up the guts to do the last one.