I Don’t Like Mondays

Mondays usually don’t mean anything to me as part of the self-employed union. There is no weekend, there is no work week. But I woke up, fell back to sleep, and woke up cranky. So here goes, the cranky comedy. I promise it’s only temporary, a single day lapse. But I gotta get it out.

I hate little freakin yapping dogs. I want to kick them and see how far they can fly.

Why is everyone in Walmart so freakin fat and so freakin stupid? What is it about that store? Is it the little Rollover Price Guy? Does something hypnotize them to come and walk slowly through the store, unable to understand that there are others in the aisles and therefore they can’t push the cart that slow and so in the middle no one can pass, and then lure them straight to the Little Debbie’s aisle?

Why are so many white dudes (and I use that term loosely because they really aren’t) trying to look like Vanilla Ice and Eminem circa 1990 something? It was a dumb look then, it’s even dumber now. Get a mirror, turn the ball cap either all the way backwards or turn it the right way.

While I’m on men’s fashions, wearing long basketball shorts with slippers should only be worn by real basketball players in their freakin expensive homes. If you picked it up on MTV cribs or whatever (I’m old I don’t know) it’s not for outside. You just look really lazy and this country doesn’t need any more lazy.

What is with the cigarette behind the ear thing happening again? Will those same people soon be rolling them into their t-shirt sleeves and doing the greased pompadour thing? It came back when I was in high school and even at fifteen I knew it only looked cool in the 50s when everything was in black and white.

I don’t care if you have a Mercedes or a BMW. You didn’t pay for the right to drive like a moron. I like my life and I don’t want to have to watch you and whether you’re looking both ways and seeing that I have the walk signal. I swear I will take you for everything if you so much as touch my shoe.

Mitt Romney, President Obama, SHUT UP! Intelligent men of your age should not be so childish to attack each other. F&*k the Presidential debate, why don’t you two just meet at the damn flag after school and see who can kick each other’s ass. It’s ridiculous, it’s infantile and it needs to be over. Been going on for decades where because of the media we see this rhetoric. Neither of you deserves the job if you can’t show the maturity and growth this country needs so badly. We need peace in this country and this world and it starts with you. F&*k trickle down economics, we need trickle down style, class and coolness. I’m voting for you Mr. President, but the Hope and Change this time needs to be about how we act, how we all act, and you are the role model.

 

I feel better. Thank you. Tomorrow we return to our regularly scheduled program when I’m not bitter.

 

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The Effects of Evolution

Since the dawn of time man has recognized that the opposable thumb was a step in evolution that allowed us to create what we now have. But where has it gone from there?

It seems that since our modern age affords us ease and not the same need to work with our hands as much as we once did, our left hands have become much weaker. This is evidenced by the inability of drivers to use their turn signal.

We don’t have to yell and scream at predators or to get the attention of our tribe, which has resulted in the weakening of our throat muscles. That is why it’s very difficult to say “excuse me” when reaching for something in front of someone at the grocery store.

We don’t have the same need we once had for having a wide gaze and being aware of predators, and are primarily focused on the screens in front of us. So we can only see the traffic in front of us and not the people about to enter the crosswalk as we make a turn.

We don’t have the same need to walk lightly and sneak up on our prey so we can only walk barely lifting our feet and clomping or shuffling along lazily.

We also don’t have to hear oncoming redactors and therefore our hearing has diminished and we must yell into our cell phones.

We don’t have to run from approaching enemies, we don’t have to hunt and gather, we don’t have to walk to move our homes…that’s why we’re all SO FREAKIN’ FAT!