A Conversation Between Angels CXXX

“Phil what are you doing with that clipboard?”

“I am getting signatures to take to God so that I can go back and visit?”

“That’s not how it works.”

“Until now. I have got all the heavy hitters behind this petition—Moses, Abraham, even St. Peter wants to see a brass gate.”

“It’s never gonna happen.”

“Says you, there’s no way He can turn this down with all this support.”

“His son has been trying to get back every year, on his birthday, to see people when they’re nice—I don’t think he’s going to grant your wish.”

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Jesus Christ: Two Time Loser?

jesus

I mean no blasphemy whatsoever, I am a big fan of Jesus Christ’s teachings. I just started to think about Christmas and the celebration of Jesus’ birth which most concede was not December 25— that guy could not catch a break!

He is the original looked over child. Researchers disagree on the actual birth date, but all evidence of my investigation (one page of Goole links) proves that they all agree it wasn’t what we now consider Christmas and he was just lumped into the winter solstice and Saturnalia festival. Wow! I know kids are mad at their parents when they get gipped out of gifts because their birthday falls too close to Christmas, but this guy’s dad let them change the date so it was more convenient.

Ouch. That’s gotta hurt. And now that we mention hurt, he had to go through that whole cross thing and then this? I mean, if they needed to change the date to accommodate something, or they just thought snow was pretty, then fine. But come up with a special date for the guy, don’t lump it in with another holiday. Heck we give kids stuff because they lose a tooth, I would think he could get his own day for dying for our sins.

And think about it, not even in Heaven does he get the attention he deserves. If the movie It’s a Wonderful Life or A Christmas Carol is to be believed, all the rest of the angels are busy doing angel stuff, rescuing lost souls and trying to right mean people. And come on, if the whole Santa Claus thing is mapped out, I think there’s a lot of divine intervention involved in making that whole toy delivery system happen.

And there’s Jesus, probably sitting in his room in an IKEA version of the manger with too many lights on it. Doodling pictures of God with a slash through him and writing things like “The Almighty doesn’t love me” and “Never mind forsaken, how about forgotten?” Or maybe just playing with a yo-yo because he believes in simple things.

We need to think of him, what he stood for, and not all the trappings. The guy had some good ideas, he deserves our respect and attention.

 

 

 

A Conversation Between Angels LXXX

“Hey what’s with all the exercise?”

“Getting myself ready, getting pumped up.”

“For what?”

“I need the confidence to not back off, tell Him how I feel.”

“Who?”

“God.”

“You’re gonna tell God off?”

“Yeah. For letting people live with such misery and inhumanity!”

“Alright, you go to it.”

“Ok, wish me luck.”

“Good luck!”

*****************2 minutes later*********************

“Man that was fast. So you did it?”

“Well no, I figured Sunday was His day off. So I’ll do it tomorrow.”

The Beginning of Time Part Two

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On Tuesday I wrote The Beginning of Time Part One from a scientific viewpoint, today I write from a religious perspective on what one might think based on that education. You see, I remember having questions when we went to religious studies as a child, but unfortunately at that age they were trumped by “when do we get out of here?” So I thought I’d raise them now.

Ok, so according to what I learned, God made man in his image so let’s start there. First, off all the images of God I’d seen were a man with long white hair and a white beard. And all the images of Adam were much younger so was God creating man in the image of his former, svelter self? And if God is immortal why couldn’t he have just stayed like that? I’ve been living near Los Angeles for a few years now and all the celebrities know that people don’t pay as much attention to them as they get older, so why would the All-Knowing want to lose popularity among the key demographics?

Anywho, the blog was intended to be about what it would have been like to be alive at the beginning of time, the first one. And that would be Adam. Eve was to follow made from Adam’s rib and it seems like that just spells trouble for a couple  right off the bat. That had to hurt and it seems that it just sets up the relationship with a whole lot of resentment. Now there are two different versions, one where Adam and Eve were created simultaneously and one where she was second, and I tend to believe the latter. If God truly created man, I think he would have wanted to give his creation “some alone time.” Now I don’t want to suggest that he did anything inappropriate, but it would explain why Adam went for the apple and sin so easily.

But let’s step back for a second. In one description in the bible, God mad man out of dust and then blew breath into his nostrils. Whoa! If you want to blame drug addiction on genetics I think it goes back to that because I can not imagine beating that rush. Suddenly you are alive and you are looking for more of that life stuff. So Adam goes traipsing around and it’s pretty and all, but these other creatures got four legs, two legs, eight legs, no legs, and he’s just not feeling it. In this same story Adam is tasked with naming all the animals and well, that’s got to get old real fast, so then God creates woman. Ok, so he gets past the hurt like we already described but then hello Eve! Now there was no internet or dirty magazines at the time but I would believe that he knew what to do with what where and hello! life is ringing again.

Now I’m a man of inspiration, hopes and dreams, but I’m also a man. And if Eve looked so fine I think it’d be alright to just fool around, lay around and cuddle and then if she’d make me a sandwich, I’d be set. So what happened? Why didn’t it just stop there if everyone knows deep down inside it’s just all about love?

Hi…God here

<screeech>

I’m sorry, I don’t know how to use this thing. I think John Bonham and Buddy Rich used it last playing drums.

Hey everybody, it’s God. Yep, the God.  I don’t do this often but I thought we could have a sunset chat. I know you might be thinking this is an impostor, and I could mess up the weather real quick to prove it, but you all have been doing that too good as of late. Suffice to say wherever you go you won’t escape this announcement and let’s move on.

So sometimes the boss has to bear responsibility for his employees. I saw the big news in Chicago about new information of—well, putting it mildly—inappropriate behavior, of some of the priests, that wasn’t reported fully. Ok, so I just need to make it clear. That is not the Word of God. Ok. I am the boss, but I am not responsible for what my employees do in their off hours. Which, I know, as I say it is not completely true because they did it with altar boys.

This is just another thing where people forget that no matter where they are in the company, they reflect everyone. They make Catholics look bad, they make the church look bad, they make me look bad. I gave you free will, I’m not really responsible, but c’mon fellas. Really, though, this is not about me. I just thought maybe this was a teaching moment that couldn’t be passed up. Everything you do does impact everyone else —so boys pull your pants up, girls leave your pants on, and please, clergy, keep it in your pants.

Wow, I am babbling. I don’t know what I’m saying, I’m still tired from the Creation and I’m missing Jeopardy. Here’s the thing folks, I have faith in you. Always did. So start thinking about how what you do affects everyone else, start taking responsibility for all your actions. And act like human beings for Christ’s sake.

Ohhh boy, he’s not gonna like that. He’s still mad at me for having to die for everyone’s sins.

A Conversation Between Angels XXXVIII

“Hello Father.”

“Good Morning Son.”

“You look rather pensive this morning, head in hands looking down. You’re usually having breakfast at this time.”

“It’s just been such a tragic week down there. Sometimes I feel hopeless not being able to do anything.”

“Is it time for me?”

“Oh my Me no. Can you imagine how fast they’ll fight over you, make last time look like a blood test.”

“Yes I remember thank you, I still have the scars. But shucks I really want to meet Oprah.”

“Yeah she’s a good one.”

“Why can’t you do anything to stop the loss of life like that, with creating being your thing.”

“Well I just sort of made the deal with myself. Start it and then not stop it. Besides the human race is the only one that messes up what I’ve created. The rest works harmoniously. Still it’s sad, there’s such potential. I mean even in those bombings look what it did to the human spirit.”

“Do you think they’ll ever just get it right?”

“We can only pray Son, we can only pray. Now let’s go get some waffles.”

State of the Universe

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My fellow Alive Things.

God here. The time has come for me to speak to you about the current status of Earth and the far reaching Universe around it. Number one, you all are messing it up. For those of you that don’t believe everything is connected, stop. It is. Take my word for it cause I made everything.

So let’s just proceed with that being a given and listen good. You need to stop polluting. And I don’t just mean with your emissions and gases and hair spray and pesticides. I mean with your words and your deeds and your thoughts. You think you all are in trouble because of stress? Just imagine the therapist that your planet could use right now? Can you imagine the Zanax pill Mother Earth needs to take in order to cope with all of your craziness? Give her a break. Just like your teachers gave you “time-outs” as young children, take a time-out right now. Stop talking about each other, slinging rumors about each other and making it more of a headline to slip a nip than it is to do something for someone else.

And don’t think that I’m not talking about the chemical pollution as well. Some of you are going to have to bite the bullet and just live on that $20 million this year and not get a bonus. Some will have to cram the kids into a hybrid instead of a big wasteful mini-van. And many of you, dare I say most of you, will have to remember what things I put on that planet for you to use as food and use those legs you’ve been given to work off that fat. If you don’t understand how that’s connected to global warming, just give a quick read to the ingredients panel on that bag of chips.

You see what you do does reach everywhere else. And if you don’t want to take my word for it, keep it up. And your future will look more like the Terminator and less like E.T.

Up to you, you still have free will.