A Conversation Between Angels XXX

“Good Morning Father.”

“Good morning my Son.”

“Are you glad it’s Sunday?”

“You know, I thought I would just sit and read the paper and then I see the accusations that La Repubblica made against The Vatican.”

“I was kind of hoping you’d missed that Dad, you’re always so busy.”

“It’s really hard to get good help these days. Benedict’s making us look bad and nobody’s denying it. Why did I bother even writing the commandments? Might as well just have written a trashy novel-at least more people would have read it.”

“Do you think it’s maybe time for me to go back?”

“Son, I know you keep talking about wanting to show Rihanna and Lindsay Lohan the Way but you know I’m the One behind the whole Adam and Eve apple thing so I know what you’re really thinking.”

“Dadddd.”

“Besides, they really haven’t hit bottom yet.”

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And God said “Let there be light”

 

And God said “Let there be light” and there was light. And everybody was like, “seriously man, just one more hour.”

And God said “Hey, I’ve been up for like three days solid and look at all this-stuff-I created, and you can’t get up and do something?”

And we were all, like, oh-okay and we dragged our sorry butts out of bed and decided to get a job. It wasn’t fun, it looked a lot more fun to do the whole Adam and Eve thing and just be naked and eat fruit. But nooooo. We had to create society or something. So we asked God if he had any, like advice, and he sent these ten commandments. And we all like, lol’d. And then when he didn’t smile, we were like, “oh you were serious?” And thus confession was born.

So then we were like, “can you just show us,” and I guess he was really busy like creating Europe or something so he sent his son. He was pretty cool, he could do tricks and stuff, but then like all the other magicians he gets to thinking his tricks are real and he’s got real powers so this guy starts like telling everybody how to act. And we’re all like “as if.” One guy was really pissed at him, although I think he was mostly mad that his parents named him Pontius-I mean who does that to a kid-and he like had him crucified. Which really blows. Supposedly he was pressured but someone also said that he was mad because not only did he get the name Pontius but then his initials were PP and all the kids teased him since he was little so he just had a lot of anger issues.

Ok so then we were on our own again, which wasn’t good, and God was nowhere to be found. He told these other guys to write a book about how we should act and they all wanted their name first so then they just finally decided to each write a book and man did that make things confusing.  Everybody like fought each other over who was right for like, years. Actually, huh, we’re like still fighting. Ok, wait I have to look up society.  Oh, man, I’ll get back to you. I don’t have 4G.

A Conversation Between Angels XVII

“I found one.”

“One what?”

“A cell phone.”

“Oh no you’re not.”

“I just want to call my kids and let ‘me know I’m alright. With the crash I didn’t get to say goodbye.”

“You can’t. We’re not supposed to communicate direct.”

“Look I’ll just call one; the good one that didn’t always let my calls go to voicemail.”

“Oh man-”

“Just keep an eye out for God and his goody two shoe minions.”

“Hey I’m not-”

“Just watch.”

“Fine.”

“Damn. Damn damn damn damn damn.”

“What?!”

“No signal.”

The Married Messiah

(Karen L. King – (C) KAREN L. KING 2012) http://www.washingtonpost.com

In case you’ve missed it, a papyrus fragment from the fourth century was discovered whose text has Jesus referring to “my wife.” When I saw this on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart they played a clip from Fox News where the commentator said “lucky lady.” Let’s examine that shall we?

You’re Going Out Again?

Sure he could fix things, one would think, but once he started preaching was he ever home again? I mean the dude probably traveled more than a CEO of a corporate conglomerate. Even if he was just “gone for the day”, he could not time his miracles nor the exact walking time so I’m sure he came home to cold leftovers and a wife that had long gone to bed. If he was indeed married, there was no way they ever had kids.

And when he was there, was he “really there?” First off, I’m thinking it was hard for her to get a word in edgewise. He not only had to regale her with the activities of the preaching but had to work on new material. And trust me I’m a comedian, when we’re thinking of new stuff we’re not really listening. Second, I’m thinking the guy was always exhausted when he did come home. Those miracles, all that walking, nobody could be in good enough shape to not just want dinner and then hit the sack.

Wouldn’t she be saying, “You’re going out again, can’t you stay home just one day?” And what about the jealousy. “Do they all have to touch you?” I just think no woman could stand her man being touched and adored by so many people.

I’m Going With You

So there is the possibility that she traveled with him. But would anyone want to camp that long? Wouldn’t you want to turn around at some point and sleep on your own hay or whatever beds were made of back then? Have a nice home cooked meal? I’m sure at that time they were still well versed in hunting and gathering and maybe people fed them, but you just don’t like everyone else’s food the way you like and get used to your own. And I’m thinking the diners just sucked!

 

Does Your Dad Always Have to Call?

Let’s face it, most of the time it’s mother-in-laws, but when your father-in-law is God, it’s a little different. He would have wanted a pre-nup, I mean he owns everything. How do you cook for a man that made the Heavens and Earth and everything on it? And I’m thinking He called with advice all the time. I mean it all was “the Word of God.”

But on the flip side, how could you not resent a man that sent His only son to die? I’d think she’d be one really pissed off widow.

 

This would have been one really tough marriage. The average marriage has kids, money, and changing interests and opinions to deal with. But this one? Phew.

 

A Conversation Between Angels XII

“Next.”

“Is this check-in?”

“Yes it is. Name?”

“Pissed.”

“Excuse me.”

“I am pissed.”

“Is that your first name or your last?”

“Neither. My name is Steve and I am pissed off.”

“Well I’m sorry to hear that sir.”

“Yeah well can I talk to God. I mean…a plane crash?”

“I can tell you that God doesn’t control those things, he just set the wheels in motion.”

“Yeah well the big corporations set the wheels in motion and they’re getting bail outs.”

“You know, I really can’t help you, I can get your suite number for you.”

“Jeez, I do everything right: I pay my taxes, stay faithful to my wife, give my kids all the attention and things they need. And then BAM, gone in a second.”

“I really am sorry.”

“Well, how did you, uh, go?”

“Um…”

“Oh no, don’t tell me, in your sleep?

“Well sort of.”

“Sort of? Either you’re asleep or you’re awake?”

“Well my husband died, the love of my life, and I lay down and then joined him.”

“Oh come on! Like the Notebook, you died in bliss? And I turned down that invitation from the twenty-something to join the Mile High Club.”

And God said…

 

A short film about God.

Fade in:

EXT MISTS AND NOTHINGNESS

God: Hello.  Hello.  Is any one out there?

God snaps his fingers and there is light.

God: Ah, better. But still nothing.

Cut to:

EXT DAY TWO

God: Need some color. Blues good, I like blue.

God waves his hand and creates the sky and sea.

God: Good I could use a swim. and some color.

God jumps in the ocean.

God: Ok, where do I lie down?

And God creates land.

Cut to:

EXT DAY THREE

God: Man I gotta get out of the sun.

Cut to:

EXT DAY FOUR

God creates the stars, moons and Happy Hour.

God: Man I need some action.

Cut to:

EXT DAY FIVE

God created every living creature of the seas and every winged bird, blessing them to multiply and fill the waters and the sky with life.

God: Now that’s what I’m talking about. Hey guys, guys, guys! Oh right they can’t talk or let me pet them.

Cut to:

EXT DAY SIX

God created the animals to fill the earth. On day six, God also created man and woman  in his own image to commune with him. He blessed them and gave them every creature and the whole earth to rule over, care for, and cultivate.

Cut to:

EXT DAY SEVEN

God is reclining in a lounge chair.

God: Who da man?

Cut to:

INT HEAVEN GOD’S OFFICE

God sits in a large office chair surveying a dozen monitors. On one three punk girls are being jailed for protesting. On another trouble in the Middle East is being broadcast while two more play violence in Korea and Africa. The other eight show rhetoric of the United States Presidential race.

God puts his head between his hands.

God: Oh crap why didn’t I stop on Thursday.

A Message from God

 

Hello.  Hello. Is this on? Can you all hear me down there? STOP WHAT YOU’RE DOING.

Good. Just listen for a second and then you can get back to totally ignoring all the things I created and go back to obsessing over Twitter.

I just had to speak up because of this whole chicken thing. Dan Cathy of Chick-Fil-A: first off silly name. Second I never said that a marriage is between a man and a woman. No one’s ever talked to me. That’s just what someone wrote way back when in a book. And then it got misinterpreted through the ages. That’s the Word of God as interpreted by someone else.

Here’s the fact. I made everything and then that was that. I made a deal with myself that I would create the Heavens and Earth and then sit back and see what happens. I’m not ready to intervene yet.

I mean My Me. There are far more blunders you all have made that I should have intervened in and given my opinion. In the last 100 years there’s been that guy with the little mustache, the guy with the turban and let’s not forget what the guy did to my only son. Cause he certainly won’t let me forget it!

And they’re all in the name of what people think I say.

Wronnnnng.

And really if I had such an opinion about homosexuality don’t you think I would have done something about the Catholic priests and their proclivities?

And before you all hug yourselves thinking you’re right, Dan Cathy can say whatever he wants to say. You’re not better than he. You didn’t win. You all need to express your opinions, take them in, offer yours and do it all without hurting anyone, judging anyone and causing the media to obsess over it. Because that just breeds more misinterpretation and silly debate. And you do not need that down there. The only things that you should be doing are trying to love each other more and oh, yeah, Gore was right. Figure that mess out and reverse it cause it stinks up here.