Please Tie Your Shoes

There’s been a fad for a number of years of not tying your gym shoes all the way, sometimes not at all. What’s wrong with me? Mine fall off when I do that.

I have little feet. So maybe it’s just something that us small-hooved aren’t allowed to do. Isn’t there a way around that? Isn’t there some kind of insole that I can use?

Please I want to look cool. I saw this photo of Josh Duhamel at the fancy premiere of his latest movie with the (grrrrr) lovely Julianne Hough. Look how cool he looks, at 40, with his pants tucked into the tongue of his high tops? You can only do that if they’re loosened.

Come on, I want to get the “respect” of my fellow Angelenos when I ride the rail. Won’t someone help me.

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If I Were Mean…

Jack Russell Terror Snarling

Jack Russell Terrier Snarling — Image by © Royalty-Free/Corbis

I would stop every obese person walking into a restaurant and tell them to order a salad.

I would give every teenage boy who wears their pants too low a huge wedgie.

I would trip every guy who wore his gym shoes untied, just so he’d tie them. Especially anyone over the age of twelve.

I would take all the video games away from the baby mamas on the train and give them to their children where they belong.

I would flip off all the guys that gel their hair and make it look like it’s flipping me off, cause they’re being mean because I’m bald and can’t do that.

I would walk around the campuses of Harvard and Oxford and talk to myself out loud, ending each sentence with a preposition.

I would pretend someone was calling me and then talk really loud on my cell phone inches away from the face of the person that was doing it already.

I would poop on the shoes of the people that don’t pick up their dog’s waste.

I would stop every woman who was about to buy make-up and tell them they look more beautiful without it.

Ah, there’s the problem. I’m not mean, just think that way sometimes. I could do none of the above, although I’m going to build up the guts to do the last one.