“You know Harvey, I intellectually realize this is Paradise, but it’s sometimes hard to feel emotionally.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, in life I lived in Chicago so every Winter the wife and I would fly to Hawaii.”
“Oh nice.”
“Yeah and that way you saw the difference of the bitterness and lushness. So there’s nothing to compare it to now.”
“Well Chuck I think I can help you.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. You’re an asshole!”
“Thanks Harvey.”
“Hey, Bill, good morning, come sit with us.”
“Hi, thanks, Stan.”
“Lovely morning isn’t it?”
“Um, yeah.”
“Isn’t all this lovely fruit and juice just beautiful?”
‘Yeah Rose I guess it is.”
“Anything wrong?”
“Nope, nope.”
“Well then, why don’t you say Grace?”
“Ok. Bless Us O—hey do you think he’d mind if after I think him for the gifts I ask if we could have bacon tomorrow?”
“I so miss driving.”
“Driving?”
“Yeah, you know, just getting in the car and going somewhere.”
“How can you miss driving? Do you miss the people driving too slow? Do you miss the people driving too fast? Do you miss the people turning in front of you with no turn signal, the texting, the tailgating, the traffic?!”
“No. But I miss yelling at them about it.”
“Phil what are you doing with that clipboard?”
“I am getting signatures to take to God so that I can go back and visit?”
“That’s not how it works.”
“Until now. I have got all the heavy hitters behind this petition—Moses, Abraham, even St. Peter wants to see a brass gate.”
“It’s never gonna happen.”
“Says you, there’s no way He can turn this down with all this support.”
“His son has been trying to get back every year, on his birthday, to see people when they’re nice—I don’t think he’s going to grant your wish.”
“Good morning everyone. Since you all are new this year, we just want to talk about New Year’s resolutions. We are always growing so there may always be some room that you’d like to improve. Sally?”
“I would like to pray more, I mean consciously pray.”
“Excellent, always good to hear. How about you Pete?”
“I think I’d like to make an effort to ask more about people—their past, their feelings.”
“That is tremendous. And you Freddie?”
“I’m going to try and find stones.”
“Stones? What do you need those for?”
“So I can build a wall to hide behind when I get tired of Pete asking too many questions?”
“Ahhhh.”
“Wow, Phil, that was some sigh.”
“Yeah, just having a memory of the holidays, pushing back from the chair and unbuckling the belt. These robes would have been terrific.”
“Indeed.”
“And then taking a nap afterwards.”
“You can have all you want to eat and nap anytime you want now?”
“Yeah not the same.”
“Why?”
“Because falling asleep doesn’t mean you miss the dishes.”
“You know Stu, I miss the smell of peanut shells on the floor.”
“Not to mention the crunch.”
“No I’m serious, I miss smells. Pizza, burgers.”
“I hear ya.”
“And this week means another Thanksgiving where I don’t get the smell of turkey, mashed potatoes…I miss the smells.”
“We’ve been friends since we were six years old, and you know what, if I could fart right now so you’d have something to smell I would.”
