The Purity of the HO-HO

is ruined!


I accepted it when they remade the Grinch into a live action film, figuring somehow somewhere a new generation had never seen the original animated version and therefore did not understand its inferiority. Luckily the Wachowskis did not make a good live action version of Speed Racer, so the cartoon with its mismatched English dubbing and its sound effects remained intact. But now they’ve gone and tried to improve the Ho-Ho.

I don’t know when they did it so I don’t know how many generations of school children have been affected. I haven’t eaten one in several decades. I didn’t even eat one when I saw it. I just couldn’t. The wrapping have been replaced. The tinfoil was gone. That chocolate cakey delight could no longer be unveiled.

What kind of adolescent can get a package like this open without destroying the perfect symmetry of the sugar and preservative treasure? No child will ever know the perfection of not a tiny crack in the dark shell until one decides how it will be eaten. Shall it be slowly unrolled? Shall it be broken off bit by bit to be deliciously consumed until the cake, with just the ends remaining, awaits the mouth? Or just one quick shove?

They’ll never know. It will be broken and damaged. Surely crumbs of chocolate shall beĀ wasted on the wrapper and the floor. Completion will never be theres. Hurry I must run to the store for a jar of peanut butter. I must see perfection through thy watery eyes.