The Purity of the HO-HO

is ruined!


I accepted it when they remade the Grinch into a live action film, figuring somehow somewhere a new generation had never seen the original animated version and therefore did not understand its inferiority. Luckily the Wachowskis did not make a good live action version of Speed Racer, so the cartoon with its mismatched English dubbing and its sound effects remained intact. But now they’ve gone and tried to improve the Ho-Ho.

I don’t know when they did it so I don’t know how many generations of school children have been affected. I haven’t eaten one in several decades. I didn’t even eat one when I saw it. I just couldn’t. The wrapping have been replaced. The tinfoil was gone. That chocolate cakey delight could no longer be unveiled.

What kind of adolescent can get a package like this open without destroying the perfect symmetry of the sugar and preservative treasure? No child will ever know the perfection of not a tiny crack in the dark shell until one decides how it will be eaten. Shall it be slowly unrolled? Shall it be broken off bit by bit to be deliciously consumed until the cake, with just the ends remaining, awaits the mouth? Or just one quick shove?

They’ll never know. It will be broken and damaged. Surely crumbs of chocolate shall be wasted on the wrapper and the floor. Completion will never be theres. Hurry I must run to the store for a jar of peanut butter. I must see perfection through thy watery eyes.


What’s To Become of the Sack Lunch?


Hostess you’re not thinking about the children. What will fill their sack lunches for school, camp and field trips? Do you think they can really survive on a sandwich and a piece of fruit?

Everyone had their favorite. Ho-Hos, Ding Dongs, Twinkies, Cupcakes, Fruitpies. Seldom did anyone finish the whole pastry as they went straight for the chemical-filled cream and fruit filling. There are going to be millions of children going through withdrawal because their bodies can not be immediately cut off of that chemical! We’re going to have to form 12 step meetings to deal with all of this. I guess it will be called HA.

But more importantly, if no company buys Hostess once it goes bankrupt think of all the fun stolen from their fingers. They won’t be able to peel the top off the cupcake and just eat the icing, that’s the only good part. Wont’ be able to split a Twinkie top from bottom and lick out the cream filling. And what about the peanut butter and jelly sandwiches that will have to remain square instead of being squished into a ball now that there’s no Wonder bread?

Hostess, bakers, your financial situation is tough. But are you sure you can let this go? Are you sure there’s nothing you can do for the kids? Pleas try.