A Conversation Between Angels CXXX

“Phil what are you doing with that clipboard?”

“I am getting signatures to take to God so that I can go back and visit?”

“That’s not how it works.”

“Until now. I have got all the heavy hitters behind this petition—Moses, Abraham, even St. Peter wants to see a brass gate.”

“It’s never gonna happen.”

“Says you, there’s no way He can turn this down with all this support.”

“His son has been trying to get back every year, on his birthday, to see people when they’re nice—I don’t think he’s going to grant your wish.”

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A Conversation Between Angels CXXVIII

“Excuse me sir.”

“Please, call me Jesus.”

“Ok, Jesus. I’m just wondering, you said so many things people have quoted—”

“I did do some of my best work down there.”

“yes, and I wonder if there’s one that you felt was the most important for man.”

“Actually there’s one I didn’t get to say.”

“Really. May, may i hear it?”

“Of course. If you’re invited to a Last Supper, check the guest list.”

Jesus Christ: Two Time Loser?

jesus

I mean no blasphemy whatsoever, I am a big fan of Jesus Christ’s teachings. I just started to think about Christmas and the celebration of Jesus’ birth which most concede was not December 25— that guy could not catch a break!

He is the original looked over child. Researchers disagree on the actual birth date, but all evidence of my investigation (one page of Goole links) proves that they all agree it wasn’t what we now consider Christmas and he was just lumped into the winter solstice and Saturnalia festival. Wow! I know kids are mad at their parents when they get gipped out of gifts because their birthday falls too close to Christmas, but this guy’s dad let them change the date so it was more convenient.

Ouch. That’s gotta hurt. And now that we mention hurt, he had to go through that whole cross thing and then this? I mean, if they needed to change the date to accommodate something, or they just thought snow was pretty, then fine. But come up with a special date for the guy, don’t lump it in with another holiday. Heck we give kids stuff because they lose a tooth, I would think he could get his own day for dying for our sins.

And think about it, not even in Heaven does he get the attention he deserves. If the movie It’s a Wonderful Life or A Christmas Carol is to be believed, all the rest of the angels are busy doing angel stuff, rescuing lost souls and trying to right mean people. And come on, if the whole Santa Claus thing is mapped out, I think there’s a lot of divine intervention involved in making that whole toy delivery system happen.

And there’s Jesus, probably sitting in his room in an IKEA version of the manger with too many lights on it. Doodling pictures of God with a slash through him and writing things like “The Almighty doesn’t love me” and “Never mind forsaken, how about forgotten?” Or maybe just playing with a yo-yo because he believes in simple things.

We need to think of him, what he stood for, and not all the trappings. The guy had some good ideas, he deserves our respect and attention.

 

 

 

A Conversation Between Angels LXXXIII

“My Lord, he’s in a good mood!”

“Isn’t that redundant, My Lord and he?”

“Well I’m Jewish so to me it’s just an expression. What do you think is making him so happy?”

“Well you do realize what today is don’t you?”

“Yeah Sunday.”

“Yes but it’s Easter Sunday.”

“Again, Jewish.”

“Right but you know what the Christians believe.”

“I do, they tell me all the time.”

“No I mean that Jesus died and rose from the grave on Easter Sunday.”

“Oh yeah right, that old chestnut.”

“So every year that he doesn’t have to go through that again, he celebrates like it’s 33 AD.”

“Ah, get it. That’s nice.”

“Nice? Look at the joy, the hoopla, the music.”

“Obviously you never went to one of our bar-mitvzahs.”

The Second Time Around

I’m a big fan of Jesus Christ and I think most people agree that his teachings are all poignant and valuable to us as human beings and the guy got a really bad rap. Different religions have different views of his precise role and whether he was the true messiah, but having been raised Catholic and knowing the story of this weekend, I got to thinking about what would happen if the Second Coming of Christ occurred now.

First of all, where would he start? Two thousand years later, there’s a lot more people, there’s a lot more cities, there’s a lot more stuff. Would he want to go with the same kind of teachings or want to first right all the wrongs we’ve committed since we didn’t listen the first time?

And what about location? Jerusalem again? I don’t know, is that the best place to start? Many speakers know that you should start small, so it would seem really practical to warm up in a more welcoming environment before attacking that part of the World? I hear the Swiss are really nice.

But what if Jesus was on a get in—get out mission? I mean, you can’t blame the guy, he’s gotta be a little gun shy. Between what happened the first time around and the expectations that people would have it’s gotta make the best of the best nervous. So what if he skipped the whole preaching to individual groups and just used the full power of video and headed straight to the source—Hollywood. Maybe hit the major talk shows, maybe record an hour long special. If Scientology can get all kinds of volunteers I’m sure he could manage to attract some interns to create and manage the website and social media campaign to keep it going. And that way he wouldn’t be misquoted and he’d get the message out on a large scale.

So let’s talk wardrobe. The hair has got to be trimmed and something better than the robes or he’ll look like a homeless person and no one will stop to hear a peep. No matter what he said, they’d hear “can you spare some change?” or think it was another pro-marijuana legalization advocate. A nice suit and he looks like millions of other media personalities or infomercial hosts.  Who gets attention? I don’t remember any mention of his singing voice in the Bible so not sure if he could try to get notice that way, but he could always rap. Having firsthand knowledge, I know that this society is not going to be as awed by the types of miracles he performed the first time, so the whole magic thing is out.

My solution is he has a partner, and I mean a cat, puppy or baby. Does something incredibly cute and catches us when we temporarily drop the cynicism and stress of our daily lives and we’re at our purest. Catch us the way we’re supposed to be and maybe enough of us will listen.

That could be the coolest thing to go viral ever!

A Conversation Between Angels XXXVIII

“Hello Father.”

“Good Morning Son.”

“You look rather pensive this morning, head in hands looking down. You’re usually having breakfast at this time.”

“It’s just been such a tragic week down there. Sometimes I feel hopeless not being able to do anything.”

“Is it time for me?”

“Oh my Me no. Can you imagine how fast they’ll fight over you, make last time look like a blood test.”

“Yes I remember thank you, I still have the scars. But shucks I really want to meet Oprah.”

“Yeah she’s a good one.”

“Why can’t you do anything to stop the loss of life like that, with creating being your thing.”

“Well I just sort of made the deal with myself. Start it and then not stop it. Besides the human race is the only one that messes up what I’ve created. The rest works harmoniously. Still it’s sad, there’s such potential. I mean even in those bombings look what it did to the human spirit.”

“Do you think they’ll ever just get it right?”

“We can only pray Son, we can only pray. Now let’s go get some waffles.”

A Conversation Between Angels XXXV

“I’m exhausted.”

“I know and it’s only eight am.”

“How many times does he have to repeat it?”

“Well apparently one hundred and forty two is not enough. Don’t ask me why but I decided to count this year.”

“Doesn’t he know that we all know?”

“Right, we’re sorry, you died for all our sins.”

“Yeah but I think this is the big one because he did it on his own. Immaculate conception, Dad, the word of God he spread, well that’s self-explanatory.”

“You’re right, you’re right and because of it we get our Lord the Savior skipping around all day singing ‘I’ve risen, I’ve risen.'”

“And he starts so early.”

“You know-never mind-”

“What?”

“Well, I know it’s blasphemous, but I wish he was talking about a crescent roll.”