The Facts Are These: I’m Broke

I’m broke for the first time in my adult life. I started working when I was 16 and had good jobs then made a living as a professional comedian/magician for 25 years; I was very fortunate. I’m not going to complain, everybody’s broke and I have some amazing parents that have really helped.

But I want to tell you the funny stuff.

Yesterday I dug my coffee cup out of the garbage at the laundromat. Very carefully wiped any lint or dryer sheet residue. Fortunately it was on the top. You see, 7-11 refills are half the amount, so I work that cup until the paper is bent and won’t hold the lid. Absurd, I know, cause that’s when it spills out between the lid and the disintegrating cup and then I have to do more laundry. Which costs money.

Did you know that Starbuck’s is really expensive? I can get vegetables to make enough juice for three days for the price of a soy latte. But, I am a fancy pants, so I would never just get the drip. Well I used to be a fancy pants when I never thought twice about how much it cost, now I resort to the aforementioned 7-11 four coffees for the price of two.

Did you know that grocery stores have things on sale all the time? I didn’t. Again, never paid attention. Just went straight for the brands I liked, and being raised on colorful characters and packaging, it was about looks for me. No longer, generic is the way to go! Turns out it’s the same thing inside, it’s just the ugly stepsister outside.

I get inordinately upset with the homeless, because I, in fact, can’t spare any change.

Did you know that pennies and nickels can be used to buy stuff? I used to always collect them until I had a big jar full. I didn’t realize they could be used on a daily basis.

I’m too old to sell sperm. Man.

Jack in the Box tacos are 2 for 99 cents! I’m little, that’s a whole meal. And in my current economic status, a real treat.¬†They used to have a jingle that said “take life a little easier” and sometimes they just make it so.

Chance of Rain: 100%


It’s Wednesday, which means this self-employed guy has to use all of you for his water cooler talk and submit my random thoughts.

Why can we pay bills online, they’re even paying for things with smart phones now, but the laundromat change machine won’t accept a slightly wrinkled $1 bill?

Why are they making dryer sheets so heavy now no one can pick them up and carry them to the garbage?

Boy I have been out of touch working so much at home on this web design gig. I did not know that it was now common speaking style to use f*ck every other word. Every one was speaking that way at the laundromat and I felt so out of touch. I guess it replaced using “like” every other word here in Southern California.

Note to self’s mental health self: Never forget your earphones when doing laundry at the laundromat.

Yesterday I chased an ice cream truck for ten blocks only to discover it was just a white van driven by a guy with an ice cream truck ring tone.

Do they make “Really Great Glue?” Because every time I open a Super Glue, it glues it self shut and I only get that one use.

I’m really strong. I break rubber bands every time I stretch them.

There is currently no better candy in the world than pretzel M& M’s. They are a sweet salty sensation. And they make me poetic.

If the chance of rain is 100%, why is it still a chance?

My best friend from second grade, Ian Brown, still hasn’t found me.