Your Feet are Blocking My View

feetIt always struck me as more of a female thing, and I don’t mean that in a derogatory way, just seemed that women would take pictures of themselves on the beach and they’d be showing off their toes—I never blamed them, I’m sure a pedicure is expensive.  I’d want to show it off too. But no, I was wrong, it’s men too, taking pictures of the view they’re looking at, the vista, and they can’t get their feet out of the way!

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To Pick Up or Not To Pick Up…

paperthat is the question that I argued within myself this very morning, standing in line at the Starbuck’s counter in the Von’s store.  On the floor in front of me was a crumpled receipt and there began the argument between my two brains.

I wrote a blog recently called the The Battle of the Brains in which I described the conflict of my left and right hemispheres. This is a very similar battle that wages in my skull, but it’s more of an emotional fight that isn’t quite as half and half. This debate comes from an ongoing question of what’s right and what’s wrong, when to be responsible and when to teach a lesson, and how many synonyms can I come up with for ‘battle’ in one paragraph.

So here’s how the conversation in my head starts:

<looks down at paper>

“wh-wh-wha-what’s this? Who dropped this? Why couldn’t they pick it up?”* That’s the angry man side. Then the side of me that is always trying to find the good in people, tries to find that possibility. “Maybe a mom gave a baby the receipt and the baby crumpled up the paper and then dropped it. That’s what kids do.”* Now that argument is usually ruled out, because a) it’s pretty lame, and really it’s only good for kids under about 3 that can be excused for not picking up after themselves b) if it wasn’t a baby in its mother’s arms, what are the chances that she saw it and could have picked it up? Or dad, no sexism here.

And so it goes. The race is on while question after question races around in my head. Why do people think it’s ok to just throw stuff on the floor? Why hasn’t someone else picked this up? Why should I pick it up? Why shouldn’t I? Why are we so lazy? Isn’t it this very laziness that causes global warming? Wouldn’t a cleaner environment lead to cleaner heads and cleaner hearts? Doesn’t this sense of ‘I’m better than everyone else so who cares where I throw my stuff’ contribute to the continuation of war?

And that’s just four minutes of my day.

And I did pick it up.

 

*These are not said out loud.

 

Applaud or Scream?

scratch

 

 

I recently got an iTunes gift card and on the back there is now the choice to either scratch with a coin to reveal the hidden code, or to simply grab the corner and peel the sticker off. This is the kind of thing that makes me go “Whaaaaaaaaatttt?????

Because I don’t know what to think. Why didn’t they do this so many years ago when they started? Has it become too difficult for the average human being to properly manipulate the edge of a coin against a scratch-able material? Should I be grateful to Apple for making our lives easier or should I protest and not buy any of their products because they are contributing to the dumbing down of America. We all know that’s not going to happen because how will I submit my blog if I have no Macbook Pro or iPhone to access the WordPress Dashboard?

Every Christmas my mom buys a couple of hundred dollars worth of lottery tickets and we sit there scratching away, the silver shavings blowing around the dining room table like the snow outside in suburban Chicago. Each year we win about twelve dollars. I believe this is because my parent’s have worked hard and don’t need the money and there is talent within me that should be used and I shouldn’t be merely handed a fortune. Apparently I’ve been waiting for the second half of my life.

The last time I took these winning lottery tickets to the 7-11 the woman made a big show about how she had to completely remove the last of the shavings in order for the machine to read the results. She made a big show of this because she knew that I was not going to spend the money there. I was going to go the other side of the strip mall and buy an extra large coffee, black, half-decaf half-regular and a banana muffin. How did she know this? I don’t care because I just wanted Dunkin Donuts coffee and muffin because they don’t have them in Southern California. But she did know, she was right, and she had to do extra work because I didn’t operate a coin properly and remove all remnants revealing my prize.

We are not as careful as we can be, we are not as diligent as we need to be and I don’t think we should applaud Apple for making our lives easier, I think we should scream because we’re getting dumber. Now if you’ll excuse me, I am going to the 7-11 next door in Long Beach because their coffee’s pretty good.

I Don’t Like Mondays

Mondays usually don’t mean anything to me as part of the self-employed union. There is no weekend, there is no work week. But I woke up, fell back to sleep, and woke up cranky. So here goes, the cranky comedy. I promise it’s only temporary, a single day lapse. But I gotta get it out.

I hate little freakin yapping dogs. I want to kick them and see how far they can fly.

Why is everyone in Walmart so freakin fat and so freakin stupid? What is it about that store? Is it the little Rollover Price Guy? Does something hypnotize them to come and walk slowly through the store, unable to understand that there are others in the aisles and therefore they can’t push the cart that slow and so in the middle no one can pass, and then lure them straight to the Little Debbie’s aisle?

Why are so many white dudes (and I use that term loosely because they really aren’t) trying to look like Vanilla Ice and Eminem circa 1990 something? It was a dumb look then, it’s even dumber now. Get a mirror, turn the ball cap either all the way backwards or turn it the right way.

While I’m on men’s fashions, wearing long basketball shorts with slippers should only be worn by real basketball players in their freakin expensive homes. If you picked it up on MTV cribs or whatever (I’m old I don’t know) it’s not for outside. You just look really lazy and this country doesn’t need any more lazy.

What is with the cigarette behind the ear thing happening again? Will those same people soon be rolling them into their t-shirt sleeves and doing the greased pompadour thing? It came back when I was in high school and even at fifteen I knew it only looked cool in the 50s when everything was in black and white.

I don’t care if you have a Mercedes or a BMW. You didn’t pay for the right to drive like a moron. I like my life and I don’t want to have to watch you and whether you’re looking both ways and seeing that I have the walk signal. I swear I will take you for everything if you so much as touch my shoe.

Mitt Romney, President Obama, SHUT UP! Intelligent men of your age should not be so childish to attack each other. F&*k the Presidential debate, why don’t you two just meet at the damn flag after school and see who can kick each other’s ass. It’s ridiculous, it’s infantile and it needs to be over. Been going on for decades where because of the media we see this rhetoric. Neither of you deserves the job if you can’t show the maturity and growth this country needs so badly. We need peace in this country and this world and it starts with you. F&*k trickle down economics, we need trickle down style, class and coolness. I’m voting for you Mr. President, but the Hope and Change this time needs to be about how we act, how we all act, and you are the role model.

 

I feel better. Thank you. Tomorrow we return to our regularly scheduled program when I’m not bitter.

 

The Effects of Evolution

Since the dawn of time man has recognized that the opposable thumb was a step in evolution that allowed us to create what we now have. But where has it gone from there?

It seems that since our modern age affords us ease and not the same need to work with our hands as much as we once did, our left hands have become much weaker. This is evidenced by the inability of drivers to use their turn signal.

We don’t have to yell and scream at predators or to get the attention of our tribe, which has resulted in the weakening of our throat muscles. That is why it’s very difficult to say “excuse me” when reaching for something in front of someone at the grocery store.

We don’t have the same need we once had for having a wide gaze and being aware of predators, and are primarily focused on the screens in front of us. So we can only see the traffic in front of us and not the people about to enter the crosswalk as we make a turn.

We don’t have the same need to walk lightly and sneak up on our prey so we can only walk barely lifting our feet and clomping or shuffling along lazily.

We also don’t have to hear oncoming redactors and therefore our hearing has diminished and we must yell into our cell phones.

We don’t have to run from approaching enemies, we don’t have to hunt and gather, we don’t have to walk to move our homes…that’s why we’re all SO FREAKIN’ FAT!