The Nose Knows..


Nothing! The Nose knows nothing! Or at least mine doesn’t. Because it is not easy to get a date when you’ve got a long nose hair creeping out and saying howdy

I haven’t had a date for some time now. It seems the rest of my body is doing its best to cooperate, responding to the exercise and healthy eating I’ve been giving it, feeling good. But my nose seems to have something against me. How many times has it done this to me without my knowledge. Now I have hedge, I mean nose trimmers. I am cursed by some Italian thing or something whereby there ain’t nothing on top but it sprouts out of my ears and nose with the utmost speed. I can usually catch it. But then there’s morning like this one, when I shower then finish shaving in the mirror and BANG there it is, this long black tentacle looking thing crawling down from my nostril presumably to shake hands with my mustache.

How many times has that happened when I’ve been talking to a girl? Does the little sucker snake out and hiss? I didn’t think there were that many lesbians.

What did I do to it? Smell the wrong flower? Squeeze too hard with a tissue? Bury it in the wrong woman? Come on fellas, give a guy a break. Women smell nice. I promise to give you a woman with great hair to snuggle into, a natural scented beauty to graze along her shoulder. And I promise to check her feet, cause we know we’ve got something to be attentive to there as well.

But you help me and I help you. We can do this, together!

Scenes From A Bus

For some reason everyone on the bus stinks this morning. Now I don’t have an overly sensitive nasal machine. I’ve walked hand in hand with girls who then literally wanted to stop and smell the rises and I’d be like “whatever.”. But these aren’t bus smells. This is definitely BO.

Can’t people tell? Don’t they have friends or family that might be able to gently suggest, I.e. get them a gift bag from Bath and Body Works?

I don’t think it’s one person because it’s strong. As a performer I’m really sensitive to body odor for fear it would send some negative publicity out there. Do these people have nowhere to go and it doesn’t matter how they smell? Are they simply going to SA (Smellys Anonymous) meetings and they’re getting support for their problem, after all it is noon and that’s a common time for support meetings?

Is that part of their culture? I know that in some cultures it is different.

Is it their way of making a statement?

Are they fed up with society and government and the wealthy and the 1% and they want to piss off all they can?

Oh my, are they in financial trouble and the water was turned off in their building without advanced notice?

Everyone looks nice. I can’t figure out who it would be.

Oh wait.


I think it might be me.