If I Were Mean…

Jack Russell Terror Snarling

Jack Russell Terrier Snarling — Image by © Royalty-Free/Corbis

I would stop every obese person walking into a restaurant and tell them to order a salad.

I would give every teenage boy who wears their pants too low a huge wedgie.

I would trip every guy who wore his gym shoes untied, just so he’d tie them. Especially anyone over the age of twelve.

I would take all the video games away from the baby mamas on the train and give them to their children where they belong.

I would flip off all the guys that gel their hair and make it look like it’s flipping me off, cause they’re being mean because I’m bald and can’t do that.

I would walk around the campuses of Harvard and Oxford and talk to myself out loud, ending each sentence with a preposition.

I would pretend someone was calling me and then talk really loud on my cell phone inches away from the face of the person that was doing it already.

I would poop on the shoes of the people that don’t pick up their dog’s waste.

I would stop every woman who was about to buy make-up and tell them they look more beautiful without it.

Ah, there’s the problem. I’m not mean, just think that way sometimes. I could do none of the above, although I’m going to build up the guts to do the last one.

The Breakfast of Champions

Wheaties originated the phrase “Breakfast of Champions” back in 1927 and it is an iconic tagline that was punctuated by its endorsements by athletes. From your blogger’s comedic perspective, I’m wondering what today’s breakfast should be called.

Now there were rumors that Babe Ruth, who was a big endorser for Wheaties, had beer and rye for breakfast and was still able to perform like a champion. But if you look at the modern American diet how are we performing?

Of course when we were kids, our breakfast consisted of a bowl of sugar in the shape of, let’s see: crowns (Captain Crunch), flying saucers (Quisp),  and four leaf clovers (Lucky Charms); among others that charmed our palettes. It really wasn’t about the cereal, it was about the box and the character. Count Dracula and Frankenberry were way cooler than  the nutrition information panel they’re now required to put on there. And man did those cereals perform! We rode our bikes, played baseball, had dirt fights, fished for crayfish in the creek, and hid and seeked…and that was before school.

Maybe the reason we took naps in kindergarten was because we were all simultaneously crashing from the sugar high.

So I started considering this blog as I stood in line with my coffee at 7-11. I really  can’t handle that much caffeine anymore, so my cup is filled 7/8 with decaf. ( to think at one time I could have two Venti lattes and two double espressos.) And I’m standing in line with people holding their cups in one hand and a packaged or “fresh” pastry in the other. Caffeine and sugar. And I think of all the people I see lined up at McDonalds or enjoying a Grand Slam breakfast (don’t think the athletes endorse this one) and here are my slogan ideas:

Breakfast: Hey, You Got Two Good Hours In

Breakfast of the Obese: Hey We’re At 35%, Come On America We Can Hit 75% by 2014

Breakfast of the Couch: Where Else Did You Think You Were Going After All of That?

Breakfast of the Buzzed: I Can Do Anything You Can Do Faster

Breakfast of the Given Up:  These Taste Good, Heck with the Diet

But why am I even teasing? Eating a nutritious, healthy breakfast would mean that you had the energy to real do something, and then no excuses not to achieve your goals. A donut and a nap sounds a lot easier.