Essential December 23 Questions


Can you undo all the naughty with something really nice?

Do home-made cookies make Santa more generous than store bought?

How about a little something in Santa’s milk?

How stuffed should a stocking be, can you use packing material on the bottom?

Shoveling your roof has got to help, right, I mean those boots look slippery?




Superheroes Subbing for Santa


The recent rash of movies released by Marvel has brought the super heroes back into our lives and they save damsels in distress, small children, and cats in trees. But why not save the guy who’s out traversing the entire world in one night and bringing joy to all its children? Why not fill in for Santa?

Now one might say that these guys are pretty bulky and can’t get down a chimney, but let’s face it that little old man in the red suit has got a belly as big as their shoulders. And why not work in teams so for instance the Hulk does the heavy lifting with all the sacks and tosses them to Spiderman who slinks down with the goodies?

Considering the man power, strength, concentration and pure speed, I say they’re done in two hours tops! They get to really help out a nice guy so it’s a rest for them from dealing with the villain. And a really nice guy who has been doing this for years, get’s a night off.


Iron Man, Super Man, and probably Thor can top the speed of the reindeer.

Usually very quick on their feet to react to any unforeseen circumstances.

They don’t sleep anyways.

They really never seem to eat much so cookies are good.

And being wholesome I’m sure they love milk (except for maybe Iron Man.)


There are none!

Ok, how do we cal them? I only know of the Bat phone for communication and I think that guy might be a bad choice, he’d skew a little too much towards the naughty.



Damn You Snickers!!!


I made it through Halloween without any candy. And then you had to release, not one but two, special Holiday editions! And they’re so fresh right now.

How can you prey on my love of these special editions as well as my love of Christmas and biting the head off of a toy soldier?


Regular readers of this blog have heard of my love of Snicker’s and these delicious Holiday treats are just so dangerous. How dare they in this time of mourning over Hostess? And I know they’re fresh and delicious, they have not been sitting on the shelves, picked up by some four year old and then placed back by an irate mother with a grip that she describes as delicate but that will put a dent in Santa’s little chubby cheeks; you’ll open the package and there will be a crack oozing nougat topped with caramel and peanuts.

They call me, they taunt me, they call me names saying “what are you some kind of a girl watching your calories? Maybe if you were more of a man that didn’t care you could actually get a girlfriend!”

Stop it. Stop it. STOP IT!

And what about the little toy soldier version?

Ever since I was a little kid and I was forced to go to the Nutcracker* I have hated not only the ballet but toy soldiers. And I have dreamt of doing harm to them, venting my anger on someone. But I could never hurt a fly, so every time I bite the head off of one of those soldiers I am putting a therapeutic dent into the pain I have carried with me.

Please Snicker’s, have mercy on me. Over-price the item. I’m broke but 2 for $1 is just too good to resist! Please help me.

*I actually love the ballet and have never seen the Nutcracker. But I’m trying out the whole macho thing because I could really go for a girlfriend.