Sunglasses are Cool, On Everyone But Me

sunglasses are just too difficult

I used to wear sunglasses all the time in an attempt to a) be cool b) promote an air of mystery c) keep my contacts from burning like hell when something flew in them. But somewhere in my late 30s, I started getting up early, liking the sun and wanting to see without a drop shadow, so I stopped wearing them.

Well recently, while visiting Chicago, my mom commented on how she was surprised that I didn’t wear sunglasses because people with blue eyes blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. Now it’s not that I don’t listen to my mom, I just tend to do that with everyone. I apologize to you all if you thought I was listening. It is a biological defect that promotes a healthy imagination and therefore is valuable in my lines of work as performer and writer,’s really rude. Sorry, I’m seeing someone.

So when I got back to Long Beach in late March I decided I should try wearing sunglasses again, simply because the sun never shuts off in Southern California and I was afraid that my mom told me that the blue fades and you end up with brown eyes. There’s nothing wrong with brown eyes, I just have a lot of clothes that bring out my blue eyes and I can’t afford a new wardrobe at this time.

The Back of the Head Move

So upon donning sunglasses again I began to take notice of a few “cool” moves that I felt I needed to adopt. The first one is the habit of wearing the sunglasses on the back of the head when they’re not obscuring your clear vision. I saw this on Diners and Whatever Else (again with the short attention span) with Guy Ferrari. What? Oh sorry, Fieri. He’s always wearing them on the back of his head and at first I thought that was so he looked like a punk version of Cousin It to people behind him. But then I realized that it’s just cause it looks cool, so I tried it. Well…

I have a shaved head. So one of two things happens: either the sunglasses won’t stay in place and just keep sliding down my neck no matter how many times I push them up, or, they get so slimy because I do have a shaved head and I sweat a lot. Which means that I must constantly wipe them off with my t-shirt and then I just look like a drooler. Either way not a pretty picture.

The Back of the Shirt Move

The second thing I saw, at the grocery store, was a guy who took his sunglasses off, folded them closed, then reached behind to hook them on the back of his t-shirt. Nice. That way you don’t have a crew-neck t-shirt doing a lousy impersonation of a v-neck. So I tried it. Well it didn’t hook. They fell into the back of my t-shirt and I spun around like a dog chasing his tail trying to dig them out.  I scratched my back horribly in the process.

The Loser

After failing at the first two moves, I went back to my old standby: I lost my sunglasses. Or left them somewhere. Or they’re behind something. I don’t know, I just remembered that I used to go through them fast. So I’m just giving them up again. Brown eyes aren’t bad; they’re more mysterious.