The Green Party Convention

The Republic National Convention and The Democratic National Convention have ended and they’ve justified the enormous expense by nominating their respective candidates. I assume they could have done that without the balloons, especially in the President’s case, but I really don’t know that much about politics. But I do wonder why The Green Party has never had a convention; it might have helped their cause.

I remember thinking Ralph Nader was the only one that made sense back in 1996 and 2000, but even in my 30s I knew he wouldn’t win, he just didn’t have the charisma, or in the vernacular of us performers, he didn’t know how to “blow smoke up people’s asses” in order to get elected. Pssh, who wants someone who knows what they’re doing? But what if they would have surrounded him with a little pomp and circumstance.

The Minimalist Convention

Now there’s a problem with talking about their convention: money. Those things cost a fortune. So it would have to be a scaled-down affair. Hence the picture above. There will be no HUGE stage like the DNC where Clinton had time to stroll to the microphone and soak in all the adoration from everyone who forgot that he said “I did not have sexual relations with that woman.” Nope I’m picturing something out of the movie Roadhouse, just a tiny stage with a microphone. And let’s face it, there’s just not going to be as many people. The supporters of the Green Party have jobs and can’t afford to take the week off to wear silly hats. They take their one week off to take their family on a vacation.

It’s The Green Party After All

Better yet, this really is going to have to be outside isn’t it? That way there’s no expense for lights and video screens. The color will come from wind socks and the music will be wind chimes that people hang outside their tents. Oh did I mention the tents? ┬áThese folks won’t be able to afford a hotel. And since The Green Party focuses on ecological wisdom as one of their “Ten Key Values,” the week is going to have to be all about the sack lunch, with the emphasis on the sack and recycling. There will be no Twinkies! Really this is going to have to be like Burning Man where they leave no trace that they were ever there. Which brings us to the attendees…

Every Shape and Color

Pretty much everyone will have to be welcome in accordance with three of their other Ten Key Values: Social Justice and Equal Opportunity, Feminism and Gender Equality, and Respect for Diversity. (Personally guys I think you could have whittled this down to one: “Y’all come down now, here?” I think you could have combined a couple of others and made it “5 Key Values”, it’s easier for the media.) So it is going to be like a big music festival without the musicians, unless you count drum circles because those are free. There will be all races and colors and shapes and sizes running around and hugging each other and talking about really cool ways that people can really do stuff to move things forward in a cooperative and respectful manner. You silly wabbits!

Well it is idealistic thinking, as is the slogan I think that they should adopt, because it’s way too honest:

 

I’M PRETTY SURE WE CAN FIX IT

 

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A Conversation Between Angels XIII

 

“Morning Abe.”

“Morning George.”

“What’cha doing?”

“Ah just reading the paper, taking a look at the opinions about the convention.”

“Why don’t you just watch it, we get every channel?”

“I thought studying by candlelight was hard, but watching those screens just bugs my eyes.”

“So what do you think of what happened?”

“You know these guys are just mean. The only thing Steven Douglas ever said is that it looked stupid without a mustache.”

“Yeah, I’m glad I ran unopposed. Guess it’s a good thing we didn’t have the media they have now, they would be all over my wooden teeth.”

“Oh yeah, and my hat. Everyone would come up with some sort of joke about compensating for size.”

“Hey if you had the kind of money that they spend on these conventions, what would you do with it Abe?”

“I would have given all the money to the slaves with my humblest of apologies and hoped that they could use it to start a new, prosperous life. You?”

“I would have gotten plugs.”