I Love Sturkybooboo, I’m never leaving


It always seemed to me that Starbucks was not the kind of place you hung out all day. I often would spend time there when there was a big gap between shows, reading or people watching (read:looking at girls) and get a little snippy-to myself-about people that were there working for hours and not buying anything.

But visiting my folks I went to the Starbuck’s in Schaumburg, Illinois, and here, they serve wine and beer after 4:00. This one is already busy, very large, and filled with meetings and laptops and even has a couple of private rooms and outdoor seating. But I can only imagine the party that gets started when the laptops are shut and the last “I think we should…” Is spoken.

This is perfect. You’ve got your morning coffee, meeting, lunch with co-workers, AND happy hour, all in one place! Finally the baristas will get tipped what they deserve-because pouring a glass of wine takes much more skill than getting an espresso drink right-well to a drunk anyways. No more vanilla shots, when are they gonna get Kahlua? This is truly a return to Mad Men days-I’m thinking that 4:00 can keep getting pushed earlier until red eyes are the norm. They’ll just need a deep fryer because Starbucks is very attentive to the needs of the customer so they’re going to need some greasy foods.

In one 24 hour period you can have a top CEO make a million dollar deal over a half decaf soy latte, celebrate with his team and buying everybody drinks them only to have to apologize for any inappropriate things he might have said the next day, when they start all over again.

Do they do this at the Starbucks in hotels because you’d never have to leave. “I love this place and I love the barista and I love the guy who’s dusting the shelves and I love-oh, you’re not a person, you’re just a travel mug-oh what the heck I love you too.”

The Starbucks Sizing

Seriously this is a tall? I never order one but I was getting on a train and it will be more than a hour before I’m at the bathroom.


I remember when Starbucks had “short.” It was basically just the size for to-go espresso shots. I think there was short, medium and tall. Somebody will probably correct me. That was probably because they just just started to expand so the folks that started the company were sinking all the profits into stretching across the country. Eventually it would become the phenomenon it is, they’d have money to travel to Europe and decide they needed to use more Italian names like grande and venti. The only logic I can see to leaving this little s&@t called tall is that a lot of Italian guys are shorter but think they’re bigger when they drink. Well I heard that somewhere anyway.

So back to the tall. It’s teeny. It’s a half-caf so it’s not about the noon pick-me up, just don’t see the point. And because I have a cold so I’m a little cranky I’ll just go ahead and say it:

I paid over three dollars for this? In my day…

The Facts Are These: I’m Broke

I’m broke for the first time in my adult life. I started working when I was 16 and had good jobs then made a living as a professional comedian/magician for 25 years; I was very fortunate. I’m not going to complain, everybody’s broke and I have some amazing parents that have really helped.

But I want to tell you the funny stuff.

Yesterday I dug my coffee cup out of the garbage at the laundromat. Very carefully wiped any lint or dryer sheet residue. Fortunately it was on the top. You see, 7-11 refills are half the amount, so I work that cup until the paper is bent and won’t hold the lid. Absurd, I know, cause that’s when it spills out between the lid and the disintegrating cup and then I have to do more laundry. Which costs money.

Did you know that Starbuck’s is really expensive? I can get vegetables to make enough juice for three days for the price of a soy latte. But, I am a fancy pants, so I would never just get the drip. Well I used to be a fancy pants when I never thought twice about how much it cost, now I resort to the aforementioned 7-11 four coffees for the price of two.

Did you know that grocery stores have things on sale all the time? I didn’t. Again, never paid attention. Just went straight for the brands I liked, and being raised on colorful characters and packaging, it was about looks for me. No longer, generic is the way to go! Turns out it’s the same thing inside, it’s just the ugly stepsister outside.

I get inordinately upset with the homeless, because I, in fact, can’t spare any change.

Did you know that pennies and nickels can be used to buy stuff? I used to always collect them until I had a big jar full. I didn’t realize they could be used on a daily basis.

I’m too old to sell sperm. Man.

Jack in the Box tacos are 2 for 99 cents! I’m little, that’s a whole meal. And in my current economic status, a real treat.¬†They used to have a jingle that said “take life a little easier” and sometimes they just make it so.

A Conversation Between Angels 3

“God’s kind of old.”

“I know. I figured people that were around forever got to pick their age. What’s with the long hair and the beard, I mean he looks like Jesus.”

“How about that omni-presents thing?”

“That/ is/ annoying! Hello. I’m trying to make my pearly whites look like the pearly gates and he’s all perving on me, staring at me in the mirror asking me if I’ve like atoned for my sins and stuff.”

“Totally. These gowns are so not flattering.”

“I know, does everyone have to wear white? I mean come on, it’s like Summer, can’t we have some color.”

“Yeah. I wish I was alive still, I want a Frappucino.”

“Oh My God, why’d you have to say that? ¬†They have no Starbuck’s here and that’s just so wrong.”

“I’m gonna tweet that.”

“Um, don’t you remember, they like took away our phones.”

“Oh right. This place blows.”