Scenes From A Train Part 2

I’m writing this underground on the second train of today’s commute so it will post at North Hollywood. No seats so I’m standing. I feel guilty. A tiny Hispanic woman kept pushing at my bag and me as she tried to get by everyone to get down the escalator and onto the train to a job she probably hates. Twice I asked her, nicely, to please stop pushing. Finally I elbowed her over the side. I’m pretty sure she was ok: she landed on her over-sized bag and her eyes were open.

There’s a woman staring at me. At least I think she’s staring at me, she’s wearing sunglasses so I can’t see her eyes. I’m pretty sure she’s staring at me because I have no tattoos. She’s covered in them. There’s one across her chest and I want to read what it says but I don’t want her to think I’m looking at her boobs. Wait a sec, she got it there. She had to have lay there for hours while the tattoo guy did it. Maybe it was her boyfriend so it was ok. Maybe it says “howdy” because she has friendly boobs? Maybe it says “I’m up here” with an arrow pointing to her eyes so she can catch guys with her feminist ways? I better not chance it, I figure women that can withstand the pain of getting all those tats likes to inflict it. I’ll look the other way.

The Red Line heads to Hollywood so there’s always interesting characters. There’s Purple Guy I see a lot: completely dressed in purple including the large feather in his fedora. He’s either really a pimp or played one on a 70s cop show and the never got another gig and these are the only clothes he owns. Today there’s a drag queen, African-American, thin with vey taut muscles wearing a silver lame (please put the accent in, I don’t know how to find it on the iPhone) dress that shows off his/her legs. How do you say it? I would assume he’d rather be called she, I mean she would rather not be called he. You get it. I wish the Hispanic woman from the Blue line had gotten on because I think she should give silver girl her jeweled iPhone, it would look really good with the dress. And her copy of Ebony! And I bet the transvestite would have hair tips for the other woman.

Oh crap I have to fart. Oh man, this is embarrassing. I can feel it’s not going to be silent. Or odor free. Oh jeez and there’s a stop and a half. What do I do? Think about baseball. Oh no that’s for sex. What if I don’t let it out? I think farts are funny so I tend to let them loose and then laugh. Does it build up until it comes out my mouth? Or nose? Eeekkks. I’m saved. North Hollywood. More later.

Hump Day

turkey bacon avocado

Last Wednesday I wrote a blog about The Loneliness of the Brita and my lack of good water-cooler chat. So I repeat that format to get over this hump day like everyone else and just make random statements.

The photo above was taken at a fast-food establishment which I probably shouldn’t name but it rhymes with Bubway. My question is what is a turkey bacon avocado? Is the turkey and bacon where the pit usually is and this is some kind of strange genetic engineering. It scares me.

I’ve never yelped. Not even once.

It’s kind of sad that Hump Day comes only two days after the start of the work week. Are we really that tired or bored that fast?

I forgot so much I learned in math in school. I heard the word perimeter the other day and had to look it up to remember what it meant. So the teachers were wrong; you won’t use it in everyday life.

Rogaine is for suckers.

Peanut butter should be the fifth food group.

If dolphins are so smart, how come they never figure out how to break out?

My inner jukebox is playing that “Voulez-vous coucher aver moi ce soi” song this morning. Unfortunately that’s all the words it knows so it just keeps repeating.

I have a profile on OkCupid. I wrote this woman and she wrote back, asked what kind of performer I am. I told her magician. She disappeared.

If it’s such a smart phone, why do I have to tell it what to do.