A Simpler Time

I long for a simpler time and by simpler I mean the 80s. I had great hair, and even though it was a mullet in the back it was so nice and fluffy on top I could have done a handstand and dusted.

My favorite ensem was a black and white striped shirt with black parachute pants. The shirt was skin tight but I was a gymnastics teacher than so it worked. Actually I could still fit into both of those but thankfully they’re not around. I would dance FEROCIOUSLY to Michael Jackson and one one of his hits was played every fifteen minutes at the clubs, so there were plenty of chances. The dance teacher at the gym had taught us the moves so I felt like I was in the video when I was out on the floor spinning. We were the coolest white guys on the north side of Chicago.

I was horribly inept at flirting with girls but luckily i met a great one in the adult gymnastics class and she looked AMAZING in a leotard. Her name is Trish and we were blissfully in love for five years. We made out everywhere and were told “you can’t do that in the post office.” We could be happy just spooning and watching Cheers, Family Ties and whatever the rest of the Thursday night line-up was. I hope she’s happy.

Cell phones were the size of your thigh and all they did was call someone. So you had to ask for directions, go to a restaurant someone recommended to you, and get together with people instead of simply connecting on Facebook. And you wanted to. And you talked.

You talked in restaurants, you talked at parties, and you talked on car trips—or maybe you just sat in silence. Remember silence. I remember when the occasional drunk couple would have a fight on the street but now you’re constantly barraged by people fighting on speaker phones.

I miss seeing people talking and laughing and being respectful to others, not ignoring them on their phone. I can’t help but feel a lot of people are missing out on so much life by staring at a screen.  Instead of dancing to Michael Jackson.

Cellular Ban Under Consideration!


The Big Three telephone cellular networks are in talks to impose considerable bans on the use of cellular phones out of the home. In effect, these bans would immediately disconnect the user when engaging in usage that is deemed “unnecessary, intrusive and ridiculous.”

Under this voluntary agreement, the networks would enforce these new guidelines based on their belief that current customers are straining too far from the original developer’s intentions. Under the proposed ban, the customer would be immediately disconnected when they:

  • walked right in front of someone while talking and couldn’t take a moment to say “excuse me.”
  • used profanity repeatedly before 9:00 in the morning while relating last night’s incidents to the person that couldn’t make it.
  • stopped right in the middle of the street, blocking other people’s movement, to say “i did not. what? what are you trying to say?” or other things that could wait until they got home.
  • exceeded the normal decibel level of speech if the person was right next to them.
  • played music through the speaker instead of the earphones in direct conflict with the Boombox Repeal Act of 1996.
  • did not pay attention to their children.

If deemed unanimous amongst the companies, these regulations would be brought up before Congress, which they concede is an uphill battle. Unless they turned off their phones so they’d listen.

The Silent Era

I watched the movie The Artist last night and it was absolutely wonderful. But it got me thinking, what would life be like if it were a silent movie.

Well, we’d have to make grand gestures to get people’s attention. Perhaps expose our private areas, take off our clothes in the most inappropriate situations or maybe cause a big ruckus outside of a restaurant or bar.

We couldn’t talk on the telephone so we’d have to text each other all the time. We wouldn’t be able to get each other’s attention verbally so we’d have to walk around looking at our phone’s waiting to see what other people had to say and what’s important.

At home we wouldn’t be able to talk to each other so we’d have to rely on the computer to keep us informed of each other’s activities. We’d have to instant message when we wanted to say something to anyone and post about our thoughts and feelings somewhere.

Thank goodness life isn’t silent, that doesn’t sound like a whole lot of fun.