BIg and Tall


I’ve always dreamt of being big and tall. The summer Between Freshman and Sophmore year in high school my mom said “you’ll shoot up.” Between Sophmore and Junior she said “you’ll shoot up.” Between Junior and Senior I said “Bite me.” (Not really, I love my mom.)

I ended up only 5’7″. The average height for a male is 5’10”, which means I’m the victim of getting patted on the head and  always having to look up. One of my best buddies is 6’7″ so I basically feel like his ventriloquist dummy.

Maybe that’s why I ended up performing for children most of my life. I towered over them! They were tiny little villagers that I could stomp on with my Godzilla feet. It doesn’t hurt that kids are always sitting when I do a show, then I’m really tall. I love performing for schools because you get to go in the kid’s bathrooms and you feel like a giant in there as well.

Truth is, I’ve never had a problem being short. It allows me to be good at gymnastics and yoga. Clothes cost less. And so does food, you don’t need to eat as much. But I could have done without the bald thing.

The Starbucks Sizing

Seriously this is a tall? I never order one but I was getting on a train and it will be more than a hour before I’m at the bathroom.


I remember when Starbucks had “short.” It was basically just the size for to-go espresso shots. I think there was short, medium and tall. Somebody will probably correct me. That was probably because they just just started to expand so the folks that started the company were sinking all the profits into stretching across the country. Eventually it would become the phenomenon it is, they’d have money to travel to Europe and decide they needed to use more Italian names like grande and venti. The only logic I can see to leaving this little s&@t called tall is that a lot of Italian guys are shorter but think they’re bigger when they drink. Well I heard that somewhere anyway.

So back to the tall. It’s teeny. It’s a half-caf so it’s not about the noon pick-me up, just don’t see the point. And because I have a cold so I’m a little cranky I’ll just go ahead and say it:

I paid over three dollars for this? In my day…